#177: How Social Media Exacerbates Anxious Attachment
Social media can be a minefield at the best of times, but if you have an anxious attachment style, it can amplify relationship anxiety in ways that feel overwhelming. From overanalysing who your partner follows to spiralling over why they haven’t posted about you, social media can fuel insecurity, comparison, and even compulsive checking behaviours.
Social media can be a minefield at the best of times, but if you have an anxious attachment style, it can amplify relationship anxiety in ways that feel overwhelming. From overanalysing who your partner follows to spiralling over why they haven’t posted about you, social media can fuel insecurity, comparison, and even compulsive checking behaviours.
In today’s episode, we’re exploring why social media is such a common trigger for people with anxious attachment, the unhealthy patterns it can create, and most importantly, how to navigate it in a way that supports your wellbeing and relationship security.
What We Cover in This Episode:
Why social media fuels anxiety for anxiously attached people
The biggest relationship triggers—who your partner follows, why they won't post about you, and more
The comparison trap and how it distorts reality
Unhealthy social media behaviours that reinforce insecurity
Practical strategies to reduce social media anxiety and feel more secure
Link to Episode #165: Why Validation is So Important for Anxiously Attached People
How Social Media Exacerbates Anxious Attachment and What to Do About It
In an age where social media is pervasive, the impact it has on our mental health and relationships is profound, particularly for those who struggle with anxious attachment. Anxious attachment is characterised by a deep-seated fear of abandonment and a constant need for reassurance in relationships. When partnered with the stimulating environment of social platforms, these traits can lead to exacerbated anxieties and behaviours that are challenging to manage. Understanding the intersection between social media and anxious attachment is essential for fostering healthier relationships and a balanced mental state.
The Social Media Minefield
Social media is meticulously designed to capture and hold our attention. Its endless scroll, algorithm-driven feeds, and constant notifications create a realm that is both addictive and anxiety-inducing. For individuals with anxious attachment, who are naturally sensitive to perceived threats to their relationships, social media can act as a catalyst, amplifying feelings of insecurity, jealousy, and comparison.
A common struggle arises when comparing one's relationship to the seemingly perfect relationships displayed online. This constant comparison can lead to feelings of inadequacy and unworthiness, destabilising one's self-esteem. Moreover, witnessing a partner's online interactions—such as who they follow or what they post—can trigger anxiety and lead to compulsive checking behaviours. This often manifests in hyper-vigilance and a relentless pursuit of information, as if more data could somehow mitigate the underlying fear of being abandoned or unloved.
Navigating Partner Dynamics Online
Anxiously attached individuals may find themselves particularly sensitive to how much—or how little—their partners share about them on social media. The disparity between one's own posts about the relationship and a partner’s posts (or lack thereof) can evoke feelings of invisibility or even suspicion. If one partner regularly shares relationship highlights while the other remains silent, it may lead to assumptions about their commitment or feelings, igniting unnecessary disputes rooted in misunderstanding rather than reality.
Discomfort might also emerge around the types of accounts a partner follows, especially if those accounts are flirtatious or overtly sexual. The idea that a partner could be engaging, even passively, with potentially tempting content might stir deep-seated fears and insecurities, prompting complex discussions about boundaries and respect. It's crucial to note that these feelings, while deeply personal, are entirely valid and deserve a considerate dialogue.
Establishing Personal and Relational Boundaries
Setting clear boundaries regarding social media usage is pivotal for managing the impact on one's emotional well-being and relationships. Begin by engaging in open conversations with your partner about any discomforting behaviours online. Ensure these discussions are anchored in your personal experience, avoiding blame and instead focusing on how these actions affect your emotional state. For instance, expressing discomfort about certain accounts your partner follows should be framed around how it makes you feel, rather than a direct accusation.
In addition to relational boundaries, personal boundaries are equally important. Limiting social media usage can significantly reduce anxiety. Consider strategies like removing apps from your phone during certain times, setting screen time limits, or consciously curating your feed to eliminate content that triggers negative emotions. Being mindful of the amount of time spent online and understanding its effects on your mental health allows you to reclaim control from these addictive platforms.
The Path to Greater Security
Ultimately, navigating social media's impact on anxious attachment requires a combination of personal introspection and open communication with your partner. Being in tune with your vulnerabilities and taking active steps to mitigate their overwhelming influence is a form of self-care that benefits not only you but also the health of your relationship.
Remember, it's essential to trust your feelings and validate your experiences without dismissing them as overreactions. Your discomfort is real, and it points towards needs that deserve to be addressed. By setting boundaries, engaging in empathetic dialogue, and managing your social media interactions responsibly, you pave the way towards a more secure attachment style and a healthier relational dynamic.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you find yourself engaging in compulsive checking behaviors on social media in your relationships? Reflect on the impact this might have on your mental health and relationship dynamics.
How do you feel when your partner's social media activity, such as the accounts they follow or the people they interact with, conflicts with your comfort levels? Have you had a conversation about this with them?
What are your personal boundaries around social media usage, and how do they support or challenge your well-being? Are there any adjustments you feel you need to make?
Reflect on how social media comparisons have affected your self-worth and view of your relationship. What strategies can you adopt to minimize the negative impact of these comparisons?
In what ways do you seek validation through social media, both from your partner and from others? How does this relate to your patterns of attachment?
Consider a time when you felt insecure about your partner's lack of social media engagement regarding your relationship. How did you address this, and what insights did you gain?
How do you balance your desire for information and control with the need for open and honest communication in your relationships? What challenges do you encounter in this balance?
Reflect on your response to your partner's defensiveness in conversations about social media. How can you approach these discussions more effectively to ensure your needs are heard?
How might reducing your social media usage improve your relationship with your partner and your own mental health? What steps can you take to achieve this?
Explore the role of self-responsibility in managing your relationship with social media. What practical measures can you implement to ensure it remains a healthy aspect of your life?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about the role of social media, particularly in the context of anxious attachment, and exploring some of the ways that social media and your relationship with it might be making your anxious attachment patterns and behaviors worse, or more challenging. So this is one that has been requested for quite a while now. It's a topic that I'm always getting questions about when I do q and a's on Instagram or in my DMs. I I often get questions from people around how to navigate conversations with a partner around social media usage. I think particularly things like who your partner might be following, their online behavior, also things like the extent to which your partner does or doesn't share about you on social media, and maybe comparing that to how much they've shared of a previous partner, and all of the behaviors that can spring from that insecurity. So compulsive checking, even all the way up to stalking of previous partners, the information gathering instincts that is alive in so many anxiously attached people that I've spoken about many times before on the podcast.
[00:01:42]:
Social media is the perfect forum for those behaviors to run wild, and when left unchecked, I think can be really really detrimental to our mental health, and that in turn can obviously exacerbate all of the stresses in our relationship, and it it just pours fuel on the fire of what is already a challenging dynamic to work with much of the time. And so, in today's episode, I wanna talk a little bit about why social media is the perfect storm for for all of us, let's be honest, in terms of our mental and emotional health. We know that social media is designed to be addictive and almost anxiety inducing, to sort of hijack our dopamine response, and keep us picking up our phone constantly. But certainly for people who struggle with any sort of anxiety, and particularly anxious attachment, social media is a bit of a recipe for disaster in terms of aggravating many of those insecurities and fueling all of the behaviors that go along with them. I want to talk about a few specific ones in the context of relationships, so situations that you might struggle with along the lines that I just mentioned. So what to do if you're not comfortable with a partner's online behavior, maybe who they follow, the post they like, that sort of thing, and other conversations that you might have around boundaries or negotiating online behavior with a partner. I also want to talk about setting boundaries for yourself around your relationship with social media, so that you can really protect your well-being. Because while the odds are stacked against us in many respects, and of course, it's challenging for all of us to have good boundaries around these highly addictive platforms and apps and devices, part of taking great care of yourself is knowing your weaknesses, and knowing your vulnerabilities, and actually being responsive and attuned to that, and setting yourself up for success.
[00:03:33]:
So I'm going to be sharing some tips on how you can manage your relationship with social media in a way that is conducive to well-being, rather than in a way that makes your anxiety a hundred times worse. So that is what we're going to be talking about today. Before I dive into that, a quick reminder for anyone who missed it, I have created a free resource called the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit. It's a really great little toolkit, it's got exclusive resources that you won't find anywhere else. There's a forty or so minute video where I share about my own journey with anxious attachment, and the steps that were really essential for me in moving from anxious to a more secure attachment. There's a workbook with some journal prompts and a relationship visioning exercise, you can get really clear around the kind of relationship that you want, and then there's a guided meditation track of affirmations for anxious attachment. So all of that is completely free, and you can head to the link in the show notes to download your copy of the anxious attachment toolkit, and in doing so you'll also be added to my email list which will mean you'll get a weekly newsletter from me, of course you can unsubscribe anytime. But I do send out a weekly newsletter to almost 35,000 people, and I always get really beautiful feedback from that as well, just unpacking in a little more detail the sorts of things that we talk about here on the show.
[00:04:52]:
So if you're interested in downloading that toolkit, you can head to the link in the show notes to do that. As I said, it's a really great resource for anyone who struggles with anxious attachment, and it is totally free. Okay. So let's talk about social media anxiety. Now as I said in the introduction, social media is designed to capitalize on our anxiety and exacerbate it, because anxiety makes us very vulnerable to addictive behaviors, to compulsive behaviors, to obsessive behaviors. The more dependent we are upon something, the better we are as customers, and let's be honest, that is the overarching objective of these platforms, is to make us spend as much time on the apps as possible. And so the algorithms, and the design of the apps themselves with the notifications, and the endless scroll, all of that is really really meticulously crafted to get you hooked. Right? To keep your attention, to keep you coming back for more.
[00:05:56]:
So when you combine that with anxious attachment, which knowing everything that we do about that, low self worth, tendency towards comparison, feeling insecure in relationships, feeling very hypersensitive to any potential threats to the relationship, all of these things are amplified to extreme degrees in this weird alternate universe of social media. We have an endless stream of perfect people, perfect relationships, perfect lives to compare ourselves against, which invariably leaves us feeling worse about ourselves. And if we are in a relationship, we take a very limited snapshot of what we're seeing of our partner's online behavior, and we deduce certain things from that, that they are not interested in us, or they liked this photo which must mean x y z thing, or why don't they post more about us on social media, or whatever it might be. But it really enlivens that part of us that goes digging for information, and can get really really obsessive. And the part of us that is feeling anxious and insecure, and doesn't want to have direct conversations about things, that worries a lot, but thinks that sitting back and biding our time and building our case and all of that is is the way that we're going to create safety for ourselves, that's the way we're going to guard ourselves against being hurt or disappointed or rejected. And so social media is really a firestorm of all of that. And so if you're someone who has anxious attachment, and you struggle with all of these things that I'm talking about, know that you're not alone. I suspect that most people who are anxiously attached have experienced some version of this.
[00:07:36]:
I know I certainly have, not so much these days, but go back five or six years, and I was deep in it. It was almost obsessive, and it did just feel like a way to create control for myself when I felt like I was in a relationship with someone whose behavior was confusing, and I couldn't always reach them, and a lot of things didn't add up, and it was opaque in some respects, and so going onto social media and trying to find information, and find the missing piece of the puzzle, what was the thing that I didn't know or understand, or what was being kept from me, this sense that there's a whole another world that exists on social media, and you just have to go and find the answers. Like, that is so seductive to someone with anxious attachment, who feels like information is is the armor that they need, or the safety blanket that they need in order to not get hurt. Now of course, there's a lot that we could say about that. I think that when we're in that state of frantically playing detective, of being hyper vigilant, of avoiding direct conversations with someone, even though we know that something's not right, information is not what's going to provide us safety. Really trusting ourselves and validating how we're feeling and zooming out a bit, and recognizing how detrimental the whole damn thing is. I think that's really where our safety resides, is in being self responsible and and maybe removing ourselves from relationships and dynamics that have us feeling that way, but nevertheless, it is a very seductive thing for anxiously attached people to go into that world of information gathering, compulsive checking, checking someone's whereabouts, checking the story, checking their friends' accounts, checking, checking, checking all the time from this place of, I must be missing something because all of this doesn't make sense, or I'm so afraid that someone's going to cheat on me, or I'm so afraid that I'm being lied to, and I just have this sense that something's not right, so I have to go and find that missing piece. Another really, really common struggle of people that I hear is the types of accounts that their partner follows.
[00:09:41]:
So the thirst trap accounts, the accounts that are salacious, let's say, maybe it's like OnlyFans creators, or things that feel quite overtly sexual and objectifying. And a lot of people, and usually this is women in relationship with men, a lot of women are not comfortable with their partner following these accounts, and particularly following them, but also interacting with them, so liking the post, and maybe even commenting. That feels like it crosses the line for a lot of women, and yet I'm often hearing, like, I'm not sure if I'm allowed to be upset by this. I tell my partner that I'm not happy with it, but I'm met with a lot of defensiveness and dismissal, and told that it's not a big deal, and kind of to get over it. Right? I think this feeds into a broader conversation around pornography, and, the boundaries around that in a relationship, which is a topic for another day, but probably a needed conversation to have, because again, I think it's something that bothers a lot of people and yet isn't talked about enough, and so people maybe think they just have to suck it up and and be fine with something that they're not actually fine with. But I think in this context, the types of accounts that your partner might follow, and when they do veer into that more overtly sexual kind of content, that can feel really uncomfortable for a lot of people, because it can feel like, I mean, none of us are naive about what exists on the Internet, and that there is so much content in that vein. If anyone wants it, it's right there for the taking. But I think for a lot of people, having a partner who follows and interacts with those sorts of profiles and posts, it feels like they are deliberately opting in to that being part of their feed, and that being served up to them.
[00:11:25]:
Casually, every time they open up their phone, that they might be like commuting to work, or sitting on the couch, and that's part of the feed that they have opted into or curated for themselves. And I think that's really entirely reasonable and valid if you're not comfortable with that. Again, talking about some of the particular struggles of people with anxious attachment, not that I think this is an only anxious attachment issue, I think that it's not coming from anxiety necessarily, but certainly will be amplified for people with anxious attachment. The jealousy, the comparison, the feeling threatened by outsiders to the relationship. So the idea that your partner is desiring other women, and interacting with that, and particularly when there's a real person behind an account, it feels maybe a bit too close for comfort, it feels a little threatening, and it's really easy to feel like if there's this sort of all these people with these very airbrushed perfect bodies, so to speak, to feel really threatened by that and to feel inadequate or undesirable, not attractive enough. You might be very aware of the ways in which you differ from the types of accounts and women and people that your partner might be following, and that might really exacerbate your own insecurities. And I think if you add to this any sort of tension or fracture in the sexual dynamic in your relationship, so again I have episodes about this, but it's very common in anxious avoidant relationships for avoidant partners to be sexually withdrawn as a relationship settles into more of a steady rhythm, as it becomes more settled and stable, that there can be a loss of sexual desire amongst avoidant partners, and they can withdraw a bit in that respect. If that has happened, and that's the backdrop to your relationship, and you see your partner engaging with these sorts of accounts, that's likely to be very triggering to you, because it's essentially saying you do still have sexual desire, but just not for me, and that's really the worst fear of people with anxious attachment.
[00:13:26]:
Another key trigger for anxiously attached people that I mentioned was the extent to which your partner maybe posts about you or the relationship on social media, and maybe you are someone who posts a lot about your partner and your relationship. You might share pictures of you together, or if you guys are out for a meal, you might post a photo and tag them, and all of that stuff, because that's part of what you're comfortable with, but maybe also part of the identity that you put forward is being in a relationship. So it may be really triggering for you if your partner does not reciprocate. So if they do not share the things that you have tagged them in, or they don't also post about you, and particularly so if they post about other things. So if they catch up with friends and they post about that, but they don't post about you. I know that this is something that anxiously attached people are acutely aware of. Again, the monitoring, the checking, you're likely to have like a very clear index of we've been together for eight months, and you have never once posted about me, but in that time you posted about this thing, and this thing, and this thing, and this thing, right? Again, anxiety loves information. It makes us feel armed and valid when we have this long list of information that we can point to that bolsters our argument.
[00:14:40]:
And so, if that's the kind of situation you're in, where you feel then maybe unimportant, or you feel like your partner is hiding you in some way, or you wonder why they don't want to share about the relationship, does that mean they're not committed to the relationship? If someone was committed, wouldn't they want people to know about it? All of those insecurities are likely to be going through your head. And you know, I think there are a lot of reasons why someone may not share about their relationship on social media, and if they are more avoidant, it might just be a level of intimacy or lovey dovey ness that doesn't come naturally, for want of a better term. Lovey dovey ness, very technical. But you know what I mean, like that kind of gushing, sharing for someone particularly with more dismissive avoidant patterns, that just might not be comfortable, and they might really shy away from that much in the same way as they do with public displays of affection. Sharing about their partner and their relationship on Instagram might feel like a public display of affection that they're just not comfortable with. But again, I think that can be a real friction point in particularly anxious avoidant dynamics when it comes to social media, is how much or how little each partner shares about the other and the relationship on their accounts, and all of the inferences that we can draw from that about someone's feelings. So what do we do with all of this? That's a lot of potential triggers, and given how much time most of us spend on social media every day, for a lot of people, we're talking hours and hours every single day. That is spending hours and hours in a state of anxious checking, comparison, insecurity, jealousy, all of those things that are triggering our deep unworthiness, and it it tends to reinforce.
[00:16:23]:
So the anxiety gets us there, and then being in that space, that online space, increases our anxiety, which in turn keeps us hooked. And so spending all of that time just dialing up our anxiety and reinforcing the need for all of those checking behaviors, it is the perfect storm, and it is really, really detrimental to your well-being and your relationships. So what do we do about all of that? If there are things that are uncomfortable for you, and I'm not just talking about like the paranoid checking piece, I think that's one that we have to have boundaries around for ourselves, but if there is something that is bothering you about your partner's social media usage, for example, in the vein of the types of accounts they follow, the people that they've been talking to, if you've seen them messaging people that they shouldn't be messaging, just burying that is is not healthy, and I I assume you know that, but I think often times that is part of the anxious attachment thing can be like, I don't know if I have enough evidence yet, so I'm just gonna sit on this and bide my time until I can check again, find more evidence, and then I'll I'll be able to share the thing. Right? If something's bothering you, please have a conversation about it, and get really clear. Again, if you haven't listened to it, go back and listen to the episode that I did on the importance of validation for anxiously attached people. I can't remember what episode number it was, but I'll link it in the show notes. You need to be really really clear for yourself what you are okay with, and what you are not okay with. And you need to be clear enough in like how non negotiable that is for you, such that if someone pushes back and says like, well, I'm gonna keep following all of these accounts because I like them, and you're overreacting, if that's an unsatisfactory response to you, and you feel deeply uncomfortable about it, you don't have to just accept that, right? Like if it's a deal breaker for you, it's allowed to be a deal breaker for you, and you can convey that.
[00:18:27]:
You don't have to invalidate yourself by saying like, maybe I am overreacting. If you are really deeply unsettled by something and you know that it's causing you a lot of distress, that's okay, you're allowed to be. So don't let someone talk you out of something that really bothers you if you know deep down that it's causing you a lot of pain and distress and discomfort. So have the conversations, don't have them in an accusatory way, don't have them in a way that is really guarded and attacking, and you're doing that thing that so many of us do, which is like, it's not just me who finds this problematic, anyone would find this blah blah blah. Just stay rooted in your own experience. Let that be enough, because that's really all that's relevant, you don't have to appeal to outside sources to validate your position, but you can actually just say, I'm not okay with this, it makes me feel blah blah blah, I feel uncomfortable, I feel maybe disrespected, I feel inadequate, I feel really insecure when I see you interacting with that, it doesn't make me feel good. Be vulnerable, be honest, be open, and appeal to the goodness in your partner rather than blaming and attacking and inevitably eliciting their defensiveness. And then lastly, having boundaries for yourself around what you're doing on social media, how much you're using it.
[00:19:45]:
I know this part's hard, but you've really got to be self responsible here. So putting limits on your phone, I mean there are obviously native controls within iPhones and stuff where you can limit your screen time, although they're pretty easy to override, but there are all sorts of other devices and things that you can use, or like physically putting your phone away, deleting the apps for a period of time. Maybe you delete them on the weekends, or you delete them during the week, or whatever. But finding ways, and it is hard, right, because we all do it so unconsciously. I know for me it's shocking. You know, I don't do so much scrolling on Instagram, but the number of times I'll pick up my phone and just check it, open the app and close it again, and then open my emails and close it again, it is so automatic. And so, like, having physical distance or ways that really prevent you from doing those things that you do in a really habituated way so that you can break the habit if it's really detrimentally impacting your mental health, which I think for most of us it is if we're not being conscious about the way that we engage within your social media, Particularly if you're in the depths of anxious attachment, I struggle to see how social media could be, making things better rather than worse, unless you are very very clear about who you follow. And that's another piece of boundaries for yourself.
[00:21:01]:
If you follow a lot of accounts that make you feel shitty about yourself, supermodels, and people with perfect relationships, and all of that, be really mindful about what you are curating for yourself. If it doesn't make you feel good, if you consistently feel less than, or insecure, or bad about yourself, just unfollow. It's not you don't need to be dialed into that all the time, you don't need to be exposing yourself, your brain, your system to things that are triggering to you. And so I think you again need to exercise some discernment and self responsibility around what you are consuming, what you are exposing yourself to, and if it's consistently making you feel worse, then act on that and be self responsible. Okay. I'm gonna stop there. I hope that this has been helpful, I hope it's been validating for those of you who do struggle with this and who have maybe wondered whether it's just you, maybe wondered whether you're allowed to be bothered by the things that you're bothered by, as always. Validating the realness of your own experience is such an important step in healing your anxious attachment, becoming more secure, and breaking that pattern of routinely dismissing your own concerns and assuming that you must be overreacting all the time.
[00:22:12]:
And in addition to that I hope that it's given you a bit of a steer on how you can start to shift some of those things, so the conversations you might want to have, the boundaries you might want to clarify, and certainly the measures that you can take for yourself to have a healthier relationship So, hope that's been helpful. As So, hope that's been helpful. As always, grateful for those of you who leave reviews, but otherwise, I look forward to seeing you next time. Thanks, guys.
[00:22:50]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment styles, relationships, Stephanie Rigg, anxious attachment, social media impact, partner behavior on social media, relationship insecurity, compulsive checking, online boundaries, mental health, dopamine response, social media addiction, information gathering, validation for anxious people, partner's online habits, negotiating boundaries, self-responsibility, managing anxiety, Anxious Attachment Starter Kit, relationship toolkit, affirmations for anxious attachment, social media anxiety, emotional well-being, hypersensitivity, jealousy, comparison, triggers for insecurity, self-worth issues, intimacy concerns, communication strategies.
#176: Conscious Dating: How to Raise Your Standards & Date from Self-Worth
In today's episode, we're talking all about conscious dating and how you can raise your standards and date from a place of grounded self-confidence and self-worth. Many anxiously attached people struggle a lot with dating, experiencing anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt every step of the way. This can naturally block us from connecting with others in a way that feels healthy and authentic.
In today's episode, we're talking all about conscious dating and how you can raise your standards and date from a place of grounded self-confidence and self-worth. Many anxiously attached people struggle a lot with dating, experiencing anxiety, insecurity and self-doubt every step of the way. This can naturally block us from connecting with others in a way that feels healthy and authentic.
We'll cover:
The importance of dating with intentionality
Common mindset pitfalls
Identifying your values, non-negotiables and deal-breakers
Conscious Dating: Elevating Your Standards and Embracing Self-Worth
Navigating the dating world can be a maze of emotions, particularly when feelings of insecurity and anxiety bubble to the surface. It's a journey often fraught with self-doubt and uncertainty. But what if you approached dating from a place of self-worth, armed with the clarity of your own values and intentions? The concept of conscious dating encourages us to do just that—raising our standards and engaging in relationships that are genuinely fulfilling and aligned with who we are. This paradigm shift offers not only a healthier approach to relationships but also transforms the dating experience into something enjoyable and empowering.
Understanding Conscious Dating
Conscious dating is about living with intention and purpose in the world of relationships. It's the antidote to the autopilot way many of us approach dating, where actions and decisions are made without a deep understanding of what we truly seek. This often leads to chasing validation and settling for less than we deserve. By embracing conscious dating, we prioritise our values, establish clear boundaries, and ensure our actions align with our long-term relationship goals.
An integral part of conscious dating is acknowledging and addressing the triggers that may arise, particularly for those with anxious attachment patterns. This involves being aware of how our self-worth, or lack thereof, can influence the way we date. When approached without intention, dating can become a stressful experience, taking the joy out of meeting new people and exploring potential partnerships.
Setting Intentional Standards
One of the first steps in conscious dating is determining your values, non-negotiables, and deal breakers. Values encompass the qualities you cherish in a relationship, such as trust, honesty, or personal growth. Knowing these values allows you to filter out relationships that won't meet your needs. This clarity helps prevent the common pitfall of entering relationships based on fleeting feelings of infatuation rather than solid compatibility.
Non-negotiables, on the other hand, are the must-haves. These are critical elements that are essential for you in a partner. Deal breakers are those aspects that you cannot accept—traits or circumstances that would lead you to end a relationship. Both are vital in ensuring that you engage in relationships that are truly compatible and have the potential to thrive.
Being clear on these aspects might initially feel daunting, particularly if self-worth issues make you question your right to be discerning. However, embracing this clarity is a powerful exercise in self-worth. It ensures you're not compromising on what truly matters to you and affirms that you deserve a relationship that meets your standards.
Approaching Dating with an Abundance Mindset
A crucial element of conscious dating is the energy you bring to the process. Entering the dating scene with a mindset of abundance and positivity can significantly alter the outcome. If you approach dating with the belief that it's a tedious task, the experience will likely reflect that mindset. Conversely, maintaining a positive outlook, believing in the abundance of suitable partners, and recognising dating as an opportunity for growth, can transform it into a rewarding journey.
This shift in perspective from scarcity to abundance fosters an open and receptive attitude, making you more attuned to meaningful connections and less likely to settle for incompatible relationships. By raising the bar and trusting in the abundance of aligned partners, you create a self-fulfilling prophecy of success and satisfaction in your dating life.
Communicating Your Intentions
For many, a significant barrier to conscious dating is the fear of scaring off potential partners by being too upfront about their desires and intentions. However, communicating what you want in a relationship doesn't make you demanding; it simply reflects your commitment to finding a partner who shares your vision for a future together.
Being honest about your intentions and desires ensures that you're not wasting your time or theirs, and it filters out those who don't share your aspirations. Those who are aligned with your values will appreciate your clarity and be equally forthcoming about their expectations.
Enjoying the Journey
Ultimately, conscious dating is about enjoying the process. By approaching dating with a mindset of exploration rather than obligation, you give yourself permission to enjoy each encounter for what it is—a learning opportunity and a step closer to finding a truly compatible partner.
Being authentic in your approach and tuning into what really matters guarantees that the connections you form are more likely to be meaningful and rewarding. As you embrace conscious dating, let go of the idea that dating is a chore you have to endure. Instead, see it as a journey of growth, self-discovery, and empowerment, leading you to the relationships and experiences that enrich your life.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
How do your attachment patterns influence your approach to dating? Can you identify any specific triggers that arise during the early stages of dating?
Reflect on a time when you dated from a place of low self-worth. How did that impact your relationship, and what might you do differently now with increased self-awareness?
What does it mean to you to date with intention? How does this differ from how you have approached dating in the past?
Compile a list of your core values that you want to see reflected in a partner. How do these values influence your relationship choices?
Identify your non-negotiables and deal breakers in a relationship. How do these criteria help you filter for suitable partners?
Consider a previous relationship or dating experience where you ignored red flags or deal breakers. What motivated you to overlook those, and what would you change in future situations?
How comfortable do you feel in asserting and upholding your values and standards in dating? What steps can you take to strengthen your confidence in this area?
What mindset shifts can you implement to transform your energy and outlook on dating into one of optimism and enjoyment?
Describe how "conscious dating" resonates with you. How can it help you build healthier and more satisfying relationships?
Reflect on your current energy when approaching dating. Is it aligned with the type of partner you wish to attract, and if not, what adjustments are necessary?
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Conscious Dating Workshop: Join my Insiders membership on the Premium tier for free access to my Conscious Dating Workshop
Download the FREE Anxious Attachment Starter Kit here
Additional Resources
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about conscious dating. How to raise your standards and date from a place of self worth. So for a lot of people dating is really really challenging, and particularly if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns. Dating can bring all of your stuff to the surface in pretty acute ways.
[00:00:53]:
Everything that is inherent to the dating process, Trying to get someone to like you, trying to impress people, feeling judged, feeling like you have to present a certain version of yourself, wanting to be liked, being afraid of being rejected, having to deal with the uncertainty of early dating when you don't quite know where you stand with someone, all of that stuff is, like, going right to the heart of a lot of your triggers as someone with anxious attachment patterns. And so it makes sense if you do really struggle with dating and it's something that you have a lot of anxiety and stress around. And yet I think we can all agree that dating from a place of low self worth, of insecurity, of anxiety, not only doesn't tend to yield the results you're looking for in terms of being able to put your best foot forward and feel confident and at ease, but it actually robs you of any enjoyment of the process, and I hear that from people all the time. You know, how do I actually enjoy dating because I kind of hate it more or less? It feels like just this big ball of stress, and I wish I could skip through all of that and just get to the part where I've met someone and we both want the same thing, and I can do away with all of that dating stuff. If only it were that simple, right? But there are thankfully things that you can do to enjoy the process more and set yourself up for more success in terms of how you navigate the process, how you present yourself, how you show up, what you're embodying, such that you are more likely to find people who are aligned and wanting the same thing as you. You are better able to approach dating from a place of authenticity, which I think allows you to relax into the process a little. And you can actually have fun along the way. That might sound crazy to those of you who really hate dating, and feel like it's something you have to do rather than something you want to do, but I think there are a few really important mindset shifts that you can implement that can really, really help to change your whole energy and mindset around dating.
[00:02:50]:
Okay. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we dive into that, a couple of quick announcements. If you're on my email list, you would have seen that I am running a sale on two of my best selling courses, sort of a Valentine's Day ish sale that's stretched into this week as well. I'll be leaving it up for another couple of days, but it's on my higher love course, which is my breakup course, and Secure Together, which is my couples course. So whether you're in a relationship, you've just come out of a relationship, both of those are on sale for upwards of 60% off. So if you've been eyeing either of those and you're wanting to go a little bit deeper into my work, now's a really good time to do that. I'll be leaving that sale up for the next couple of days.
[00:03:32]:
Second quick announcement is just on the topic of today's episode around conscious dating. I've actually recorded a workshop on conscious dating that I've put in my insider's membership. So I haven't spoken about my membership for a while. There's been a lot going on, but I have a membership community that is super affordable. It's a way to connect with others who are interested in this work, who love the podcast, but it's also a way to get support from me. So if you have any questions, you can pop them there, and I'm in the community every day and answering people's questions. But it also has extra resources, including a workshop on conscious dating that I've just recorded. And so if you like today's episode and you wanna go a little bit deeper on this topic in the form of a full length workshop, you can access that as part of my insider's membership.
[00:04:20]:
Okay. So let's dive into this conversation around conscious dating. I think it's important to distinguish, and I do go into this in the workshop that I just mentioned, what does conscious dating mean? Sort of like conscious dating and conscious relationships, these terms get thrown around a bit. And I think it's quite simply by contrast to unconscious dating. So if you're just dating in a sort of autopilot kind of way, you download the apps, you swipe, you connect with people, you chat, you go on dates, you do all of that from a place of not really thinking terribly much about it. There's no real plan. There's not a lot of intentionality. There's not a lot of clarity in terms of specifically what you are looking for and available for.
[00:05:06]:
And I think that as with anything, when we're not leading with intentionality and clear standards, there's a really good chance that our subconscious parts are gonna be at the wheel. And if your subconscious parts tend towards anxiety and approval seeking, maybe you have patterns of being in relationship with people who are emotionally unavailable or who don't want the same thing as you. All of those things are not how we want to be led when it comes to dating. We want to make sure that our conscious, deliberate, intentional, value led parts are really driving the bus, because otherwise we're going to get more of what we've always had, and if what we've always had is not what we want more of, something's gotta give. Something's gotta change. Right? And so that's where we start to think of, like, okay, what would it mean to date with intention? To date consciously? To date in a way that is led by values? And I think that this can be really challenging for people with anxious attachment because for a lot of folks, we're so minded to try and get people to like us, and that feels like the ultimate prize. Just get someone who loves me and thinks I'm amazing and wants to be with me. That the idea of saying no to people who maybe aren't a good fit often doesn't even cross our minds.
[00:06:30]:
We're just so exhilarated by the idea of being wanted and being chosen that we're not actually doing much choosing ourselves. We're not applying any sort of clear lens in terms of what do I actually want, what am I actually looking for in a relationship, in a partner. We're actually just chasing a feeling, and that can you know, it's not to discount the importance of feelings and connection and all of that, but that can't be the driving force because if you are always following familiar feelings of infatuation and connection, you're gonna be following familiar feelings of familiar situations and places and relationships. Right? And so a really big part of conscious dating, of raising your standards, of dating intentionally, is getting very clear on what are my values in a relationship. What are my non negotiables? What are my deal breakers? This is something that I teach in pretty much all of my programs, and it sounds very simple and straightforward, and yet it's amazing to me how few people have clarity on these questions. And it's not even I think a lot of people have never turned their mind to it, but even when they do turn their mind to it, they can often be a bit stumped. Right? Because we're so unaccustomed to almost feeling like we get to have that level of input into what we get out of dating and relationships. I think when we struggle with self worth, we also struggle with a sense of deservingness, and so the idea of asserting, like, that doesn't work for me or I'm not available for that, that feels quite foreign, and we feel like we maybe don't have the right or entitlement to be so demanding, which is kind of wild when we think about what we're talking about here.
[00:08:18]:
So being really clear for yourself, and this is important because it filters for the kinds of people that you are not actually going to be able to build a secure relationship with. Anxiously attached people in particular have this tendency to think, like, I'll be led by feelings first, and then even if there are some maybe friction points or things that don't fully line up, I'll just lock them in and then I'll change them later. Right? I'll lock them in today and then I'll convince them that actually marriage is a great idea or that they'll want kids once they fall in love with me. And all of these things can be really fraught and can lead us to pursue relationships that are like projects, and we then pour all of ourselves into trying to get someone to be a certain way, to show up differently, to change their values, because we think that that's some kind of heroic act of love to get someone to change for us. That is all like, if you relate to that, that's big savior complex territory. That is a big glaring red flag for, like, this is coming from my unworthiness. And maybe I don't feel deserving of the person who already wants what I want, or maybe I think that it would prove my worth somehow to make the unavailable person available. Right? If I could manage to pull that one off, then I'd know that I really am worth something, that I really am lovable because this person's made big changes in order to be with me.
[00:09:49]:
Right? Say this is someone who has so been there. I have taken on a project or two in my time, and it is really something that ultimately costs us a lot in the long term because we we lose so much of ourselves in the process of trying to get someone else to be someone that they aren't. The stakes feel so high because we're placing our worth in what someone else does or doesn't do, and that's so beyond our control. So having a lot of clarity for yourself around your values, around your nonnegotiables, around your deal breakers is a really good way to set the bar much higher than you otherwise probably would if you were just going in blind from the outset, and it ensures that you are filtering for things that aren't a match. And that is ultimately even if it might feel scary to say no to anyone, that's ultimately a way to say yes to the things that are a good fit. It's sort of like the advice you get when you're starting out in business. And I know for me, when I was starting out doing this work, the idea of, like, you just wanna say yes to every possible client or opportunity, or you don't wanna create content on 50 different topics because you're scared to choose a niche or a specialization because you think that's narrowing down your potential client pool. And when you're starting out, that feels really scary, and you have this sense of scarcity, and I'll just take anyone because I need it.
[00:11:10]:
But really, you don't want just anyone. You want the people who are aligned. You want what's right for you. And in saying no to what isn't right for you, you are getting so much clearer around what is right for you. And so even though that might feel like a scary adjustment to make, it's ultimately in service of funneling you closer to the types of people in relationships that you really want. And so digging in a little more into, like, what are we talking about here with values, with deal breakers, with non negotiables? So values might be things like relationship qualities that you value. So I value being able to share vulnerably about our feelings without it blowing up into conflicts. That's a really important thing you might value.
[00:11:53]:
You might value trust and honesty. You might value a culture of personal and relational growth. So if you know that for you personal development is a big part of your life, for me it certainly is, obviously, I wouldn't be available for a relationship right now. I mean, I'm in a relationship, but if I weren't, I wouldn't be open to a relationship with someone who had no interest in personal development work, who thought it was all stupid, quackery, woo woo, don't want to hear about it, and was very dismissive of that. That would just not be aligned. It wouldn't make sense. It's a big part of my life. It's a huge part of what drives me and interests me, and that, for me, wouldn't work to have someone who was, like, completely uninterested.
[00:12:36]:
So getting to know yourself, and and be part of identifying these values is, like, being okay with your own values and validating that and going, yeah, this is who I am and I'm comfortable with that. So I'm okay with standing firm in the fact that I'm allowed to want a partner who lines up with these parts of me. Right? Again, this is a big exercise in self worth because it does require us to assert more of ourselves and to know ourselves and be okay with who we are. Other values might be things like someone who's family oriented. It might be things around where you wanna live. It might be things around the types of activities that you engage in. Your faith or spirituality might be part of your value system. Some other values might be things like the type of lifestyle that you live.
[00:13:21]:
You might be super health oriented and really into fitness and outdoors, or you might not be into that at all, and it might not be a fit if someone else is really into that. You might not be one for partying, and so if someone is doing a lot of partying, that might not feel like a good fit. Values around work might be another thing that feeds into lifestyle. Are you someone super, super work oriented or not? And you might have preferences in that respect. So start to get a clearer picture of what your values are around what a good life looks like so that you can be more discerning and filtering for someone who is aligned with you in that respect. All of those things start to flesh out. What do I really want in a partner? What things are really important to me? What am I looking for? All of that goes into what your values are. Then we get into non negotiables and deal breakers, and these are essentially a notch up on values.
[00:14:15]:
So you might have values that ascend to the level of non negotiables or deal breakers, a non negotiable basically being a positive requirement that you have to have in order to be interested in in pursuing a relationship. So it is not just a nice to have, it's an absolute must have in a partner. So a non negotiable might be that you both value monogamy, right, and that's the kind of relationship structure that you want. It might be that you want kids or don't want kids. It might be that you both wanna live in a particular city and you're happy with settling there, or that you don't wanna live in a particular city. Right? All of these things, it's like, it will not work unless. Right? And having real clarity around that for yourself on, like, what am I what am I absolute non negotiables in a partner? And then the flip side of non negotiables, deal breakers, and it's essentially a a negative expression of the same thing, is, like, if this is present, then it absolutely won't work for me. So a deal breaker might be that someone wants kids and you don't or vice versa.
[00:15:21]:
So oftentimes, we can flip our nonnegotiables into deal breakers. Nonnegotiables being I need these things to be present. Deal breakers being these can't be present. So another deal breaker for some people might be lifestyle considerations. So it might be a deal breaker for you if someone drinks or smokes or takes drugs. Those sorts of things might be stuff that you're not comfortable with, and so that's a clear bright line that you draw for yourself. Some other deal breakers might be, as I said in the nonnegotiable section, around relationship structure. So if someone wants an open relationship and you don't, that might be a deal breaker, and I would recommend that it probably should be because those sorts of ones are pretty black and white.
[00:16:01]:
Right? You might have heard me previously refer to these as structural incompatibilities, and it's a bit of a dead end. If one person wants kids and the other person doesn't want kids, there's no compromise position on having half a kid. Right? You either have kids or you don't. And if it's really important to both of you in different directions, then, that's really good to know at the outset because that might be the end of the road for you. And that leads into a very common question that I get, which is, like, how soon to raise all of this stuff? Because I understand not wanting to go in on your first date or even when you're messaging someone off an app and leading in with a questionnaire of here are my values and non negotiables and deal breakers, and I just wanna check that we're aligned. Could you please fill out this form? Right? We don't wanna be weird about it. We don't wanna be too intense. We don't want people to feel like they're being quizzed or that we're judging them.
[00:16:55]:
But at the same time, I think and again, anxiety can make this more challenging, but I think we can be human, and we can be normal, so to speak. We don't have to be really intense and weird about it. But we can also stand firm in what we know we're available for and trust that, like, we're not gonna scare off someone who is like minded with being clear around what we want. Right? But if you say to someone, I'm looking for a relationship. I'm not really available for just casual stuff. If someone else is looking for a relationship, that's music to their ears. Right? The person who gets scared off by that is the person who doesn't want a relationship, who only wants something casual, who is noncommittal. And if you scare them off, like, let them be scared off.
[00:17:40]:
That's good. Right? Reframing how we relate to connections that don't develop into anything and recognizing that when it is values led for us, that's good too. If something doesn't proceed because it's not aligned, it might be disappointing if you're excited about the possibility of it. But ultimately, that's good because that ending is actually taking you closer to something that is more aligned. And I know that that can be hard to reframe yourself towards, but that's a very, very important mindset shift. It's saving me time and energy and investment in something that was never gonna be a good fit. Right? And so I do think that there is value in being pretty upfront with people. Again, not in a way where you're being demanding or overly prescriptive or rigid or intimidating or speaking down to someone and almost making them prove themselves to you, that's not the energy we wanna go into it from.
[00:18:35]:
And this really comes back to what I was saying before around the more comfortable you are in yourself and what you want and what you're available for and believing that you are worthy and deserving of that, then it it becomes much more easeful. You don't have the same level of anxiety around communicating this stuff, advocating for yourself, because you really know and trust that it's perfectly valid to want what you want, and you really feel comfortable in the knowing that you actually don't want anything less than a an aligned relationship and a connection that feels good and ticks those really important boxes for you. So you feel much more comfortable in in finding that and having the conversations that allow you to find that because it stops being about just trying to get anyone and everyone to fall in love with you, which I think again is our unworthy parts at the helm. One last thing that I'll say, and this is, again, the mindset piece, is that a really important part in enjoying dating is doing it from an energy of vitality, of an energy of feeling good. Right? We're not going to enjoy dating if we are going into it with an energy that is heavy, and resistant, and drained, and we've got all of these beliefs of dating is such a slog, and the apps are absolute hell. I feel like I'm waiting through a swamp. Why do I have to do this? It's probably gonna be a waste of time anyway. Everyone on there is whatever.
[00:20:01]:
Right? If you are telling yourself that story over and over again, and yet you're still taking your phone out and getting on the apps every day, and swiping through, and feeling defeated and deflated, and then you're reluctantly going on dates but you're already convinced that it's going to be a dead end and you're going to be disappointed, then of course that's going to be true. Right? Of course it is. Of course that's going to be a self fulfilling prophecy because that's what you're expecting. And and really, something that I say in the conscious dating workshop is what we expect shapes what we accept. So if we're going in with this mindset of, like, this is just gonna be, you know, a low vibe, uninspiring thing, and I'm probably not gonna meet anyone, then we're more likely to pursue and engage with people who fit that description because we're convinced that that's all that's available. So why look for anything more than that. Right? What we expect shapes what we accept. So really don't be afraid to raise the bar for yourself and try and go into it.
[00:20:58]:
And I know that it might feel like faking it till you make it for a bit, but that's okay. Going into it with an energy of, like, I trust that there are so many people out there who are amazing and who I could form a great relationship with, it's my job to to find them. And when you're seeing dating as an opportunity, and also trusting that the more you elevate your own energy, so dating from a place of abundance and vitality and feeling good, and those are the kinds of people that are attractive to be around, that people are drawn towards, that kind of natural ease for confidence. And so, like, being in that energy is going to yield so much more by way of connection and enjoyment of the process than if you are in a really, like, heavy, low vibe, uninterested, uninspired, defeated kind of energy. That is not attractive to be around. That kind of negativity, people feel it. Even if you're slapping a smile on, we can all feel through that. So just bear in mind, like, from what energy am I showing up? Am I showing up from a place of not actually believing in this process at all and feeling like it's a drag and a waste of my time? Because think about what that might feel like to be on the other side of.
[00:22:11]:
Okay. So I'm gonna leave it there. I hope that that has given you something to work with, something to think about if you are dating or maybe you're thinking about reentering the dating scene. Really, doing it with a level of intentionality is a great idea. And having clarity for yourself around what you're looking for before there's person in front of you that you are excited about and you're trying to fit a square peg into a round hole in terms of convincing yourself that they're a good fit when maybe they aren't. Doing this work in advance will really set you up for a lot more success in the process and will hopefully allow you to enjoy yourself along the way. So hope this has been helpful. So grateful for those of you who leave reviews. If you're watching on YouTube, please like and subscribe. Otherwise, I will look forward to seeing you next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:23:00]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
On Attachment, attachment, relationships, relationship coach, conscious dating, self worth, anxious attachment, dating anxiety, authentic dating, mindset shifts, high standards, Higher Love course, Secure Together course, insider's membership, intentional dating, values, non negotiables, deal breakers, relationship values, structural incompatibilities, self worth, deservingness, personal development, monogamy, lifestyle compatibility, online dating, dating apps, energy and vitality, self fulfilling prophecy, scarcity mindset, emotional availability.