#190: How to Stop the Anxious Spiral
If you find yourself spiralling into anxiety — overanalysing a text, catastrophising worst-case scenarios, or feeling like your nervous system is in overdrive — this episode is for you.
If you've ever found yourself spinning out over something that—at least on the surface—seemed small, you're not alone. For those with anxious attachment patterns, it often doesn’t take much to send us into a full-blown spiral. A delayed text, a different tone, a subtle shift in someone’s behaviour, and suddenly we’re flooded with fear, shame, and a sense of helplessness.
These spirals can feel like being hijacked by your nervous system. One moment you're fine, the next you're on high alert, convinced something is wrong. And what makes it even harder is that you know you're spiralling. You can see it happening, but you feel powerless to stop it.
Let’s talk about why this happens—and more importantly, how to interrupt the spiral before it takes over.
Why the Spiral Happens
Anxious spiralling is usually triggered by something relatively innocuous. Maybe you haven’t received a response to a message, or your partner is quieter than usual, or a social media post leaves you feeling unsettled. These moments can activate deep-seated fears of rejection, abandonment, and not being enough.
Your nervous system kicks into gear, scanning for danger. You go from “something feels off” to “they’re going to leave me” in seconds. And because your system is already primed for threat, everything starts to confirm the fear: they didn’t reply → they’re losing interest → I’m about to be left. The spiral feeds on itself.
At the same time, your mind is looping through painful core beliefs—things like:
I’m too much
I always care more
People always leave
I have to be perfect to be loved
The combination of nervous system activation and painful stories is potent. It leaves you feeling unsafe, unworthy, and out of control.
The Problem With “Just Calm Down”
In this state, logic rarely helps. You can know something intellectually and still not be able to feel safe. That’s because the body is calling the shots. Your system is mobilised, your heart rate is up, your breath is shallow, and you're interpreting the world through a lens of threat.
That’s why telling yourself to “calm down” rarely works. What you need in these moments is regulation—a way to bring your system back to safety, so your brain can come back online and help you make sense of what’s really going on.
How to Interrupt the Spiral
The goal is not to never feel anxious. It’s to recognise when you’re spiralling and offer yourself the tools to shift course. Here’s how:
1. Notice and name what’s happening
Catch yourself early. “I’m starting to spiral. My heart is racing. My mind is going to worst-case scenarios.” Name it gently, without shame. The earlier you catch it, the easier it is to interrupt.
2. Create space between you and the trigger
Put your phone down. Walk away. Step outside. Whatever the trigger is—especially if it’s a digital one—create physical and emotional distance. This helps widen the tunnel vision and gives your system a chance to recalibrate.
3. Ground into the present moment
Use your senses to bring yourself back. Look at the sky, feel your feet on the ground, take a few deep breaths. Remind yourself, “Right here, right now, I am safe.”
4. Challenge the urgency
Remind yourself that you don’t have to act immediately. That text can wait. You don’t need to send another message or demand answers right this second. The sense of urgency is coming from fear—not fact.
5. Interrupt the behaviour loop
Spirals often lead to compulsive actions—scrolling, texting, over-explaining. Interrupt that loop. Get your body moving instead. Go for a walk, shake out your arms, or stretch. These small resets can help discharge the anxious energy.
The Deeper Work
While these in-the-moment tools are incredibly helpful, they’re only one part of the puzzle. The deeper work lies in healing the core beliefs and building a more secure relationship with yourself. Because if you’re constantly walking around with the story “I’m not enough” or “Everyone leaves me,” you’re going to feel triggered by even neutral moments.
That’s where self-worth work comes in. That’s where nervous system regulation becomes part of your everyday life, not just something you reach for when you’re in crisis. And that’s where you start to show up as your own source of steadiness.
FURTHER LINKS & RESOURCES:
Highlighted Links
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When you notice yourself starting to spiral into anxiety in your relationships, what are some of the earliest signs in your body or thinking patterns? How might you intervene more lovingly at this stage?
How do feelings of helplessness or a lack of control show up for you during moments of relationship anxiety? In what ways could reclaiming even a small sense of agency make a difference in your experience?
Think of a recent scenario where you found yourself catastrophising or making negative assumptions about your partner’s behaviour. What core beliefs or fears do you think were triggered in that moment?
When you’re feeling distressed by a perceived threat to your relationship, what kind of self-talk do you notice? Are you able to differentiate between what’s actually happening and the stories your mind is telling you?
Have you ever tried pausing and physically removing yourself from the source of your anxiety, as suggested in the episode? If so, how did it feel, and what did you notice about your ability to regulate your emotions?
Reflecting on your attachment patterns, what role does self-abandonment play? In what ways do you find yourself ignoring your own needs or soothing yourself during anxious moments?
What would it look like for you to act from your “inner wise adult” when you’re activated, rather than letting your fear drive your choices? Can you imagine an example from your own life?
How do you typically respond to shame when it arises about your attachment-related behaviours? Is there a kinder or more supportive way you could show up for yourself in those moments?
When you begin to feel anxious, how often do you focus on regulating your nervous system before taking action? What practical strategies could you experiment with to build this habit?
Looking at the bigger picture, how might shifting your relationship with your own self-worth and sense of safety impact your experience of romantic relationships? What’s one step you could take towards nurturing this inner security?
Feel free to use these for journalling, discussion with a partner, or simply as prompts for deeper self-inquiry as you reflect on the episode.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:29]:
In today's episode, we are talking about how to stop the anxious spiraling. So this is one that I know will be very broadly applicable and familiar terrain for so many of us who struggle with anxious attachment patterns and anxiety in our relationships. This sense that one small thing can trigger you and very quickly you'll find yourself snowballing into a full blown panic, really, really activated nervous system, feeling really out of control, feeling really, really stressed, and not really knowing what to do with that. I think for me, that's really one of the hallmarks of these kinds of patterns for people with anxious attachment is not only that it feels like you're almost possessed by a force greater than yourself, and you can see it happening in real time, but you also feel really powerless. You feel like you're at the mercy of this thing that's happening to you, and that in and of itself can be even more distressing, because really, our nervous system responds very well to having a sense of choice and agency, and really spirals very understandably when we feel helpless or powerless. And so the very fact that we don't necessarily feel like we're in control of these triggers tends to exacerbate the emotional response that we're having. So it becomes this really vicious cycle where one thing sets us off, and then it picks up some steam, and then it sets off this whole cascade of responses in our body, which in turn shapes the thoughts that we're having, which in turn, you know, further activates our nervous system.
[00:02:10]:
And it's really, really hard to shift out of it once you're in it, particularly if you don't have the tools and awareness of what's going on. And I think all of this is made more difficult by the fact that so many people struggle with shame around it. I think in any circumstance where we feel like we're behaving in a way that we're maybe not proud of, and we feel helpless to stop that behavior or to do something differently, that tends to produce shame, which again, tends only to exacerbate the whole thing. So, if this is something that you struggle with, know that you're far from alone, and in today's episode I'm going to be sharing a bit of context for what's actually going on when we get stuck in these spirals from both a nervous system point of view, so looking at the body, but also looking at the thoughts that we're having. So both a bottom up and a top down point of view. And sharing tools from each of these perspectives so that you can interrupt those patterns and actually feel like you have a bit more capacity to do something about it, so that you can actually step into the driver's seat of your experience rather than feeling like you're a passenger and you're going somewhere where you don't want to be going. I think, again, that is one of the hardest things is we can almost see ourselves hitting the self destruct button in real time, sending the message, doing the thing. But again, it's like we're possessed by a force greater than us.
[00:03:27]:
And I know how hard all of that can be. I have certainly been there in the past. So that's what we're gonna be talking about today. Before I dive into that, just a reminder in case you missed it, that my secure self challenge is coming back in a couple of weeks time. On the June 16, we'll be kicking off the next round. Super early bird pricing is still available for another day, so you can join the four week challenge for just 97 US dollars. And that includes all of the challenge materials, a pop up community space for accountability and connection, as well as support from me, and two live Q and A calls with me as well. So it's a really great value offer, and a really nice way to hit the reset button on your inner relationship if that's something that you've been struggling with.
[00:04:08]:
So if you're interested in joining the challenge, I think we've already got 50 or so people signed up in the last couple of days, which is amazing, it's going to be a really great group. And you can head to my website or click the link in the show notes if you're interested to join us. Okay, so let's talk about what's going on when we get into these anxious spirals. So as I said, this will be a very familiar experience for a lot of us. So something maybe fairly innocuous happens. You're waiting for a response to a text message, or your partner gets home and they're a little quieter than usual, or you see something pop up on social media that activates something within you. A lot of the time, the initial trigger is not some big dramatic moment, but it doesn't take much. We know that about anxious attachment, that we have this hypersensitivity, this hyper vigilance to threat.
[00:05:02]:
That means we are always poised and at the ready, and our radar is very, very attuned to anything and everything that could signal impending abandonment, disconnection, any sort of rupture. And so even if everything is ostensibly okay, you are probably very, very attuned to, you know, usually my partner responds to text messages right away, and they've read this message, but they're not responding, or their tone is slightly different to usual, or maybe they usually put an x at the end, but they haven't today, or I called them and it rang twice and then stopped, which means that they rejected the call rather than letting it ring out. What would that mean? Who are they with? What are they doing? Why wouldn't they answer the call? And then it starts, right? And before you know it, without anything really having happened necessarily, it's like the snowball has started to roll down the hill. And it's amazing how quickly our own system can heighten that threat, can add fuel to the fire, and increase the momentum of that spiral. So, to break this down in terms of what's actually happening, and I should say, I go into this in a lot more detail in my new free training around healing anxious attachment. The interplay between our nervous system and our core beliefs, and how they kind of bounce off each other. So our nervous system perceives a threat and goes: Oh, something doesn't feel right here, something's dangerous. This is reminding me of some thing that I've experienced in the past that led to pain, disconnection, loss, disappointment, or whatever the thing might be.
[00:06:37]:
So, if someone doesn't respond to a text message and you've got deep seeded fears around abandonment, rejection, that I can never really trust in the steadiness of relationships because it always gets taken away from me, people always leave me. If you feel that there's a difference in your partner's tone, you know, that they're suddenly being a little less warm towards you or less responsive, your nervous system that is so primed to look out for threats to the relationship goes: That's the sign we've been looking for. I told you this was going to happen. This is it. They're going to leave us. Something bad is about to happen. And start sounding the alarm. Right? For people whose system tends towards hyperactivation, it's really hard to just switch the alarm off when the alarm starts ringing.
[00:07:18]:
It's sort of like, if your smoke alarm was going off really, really loudly, very hard to ignore, and it does mobilize so much of your body's resources. The tricky thing about all of that is once we are mobilized, once we're into this stress response, that really profoundly shapes our perception of a situation. It's almost like we put on a pair of goggles, and everything we see through that is tinted with stress, danger, threat. And so, when our body is in that mode, and that's where we're coming from, then everything that happens subsequent to that is going to be filtered through this lens of something bad is about to happen. And so, of course, if we're looking for clues for that, if we're looking for evidence to support the story that something bad is going to happen, we're going to find it. So if your partner is a little slow to respond to a text message, and then you ring them and they don't pick up, all of a sudden them not picking up is confirmation that something bad is absolutely happening, right? So recognizing that the state of our nervous system really profoundly affects our perception of things. And then looking more at the cognitive piece to all of this, our negative core beliefs, many of which are deeply woven into our subconscious, although they may be close to the surface for you. Things like I'm not good enough, things like people always leave me, things like people can't be trusted, maybe I'm always more invested in the relationship than the other person, I always care more, I always have to work so hard in order to be loved, I have to be perfect in order to be loved, if I make a mistake, someone's gonna leave me, I'm too much, I'm too needy.
[00:08:49]:
All of these beliefs that sit underneath our anxious attachment patterns, those beliefs also act as something of a filter through which we interpret things. So if that's our blueprint for the way that we relate to ourselves and other people, and the world, and our relationships, then something fairly neutral happens and we are taking that and making all of this meaning based off what we believe to be true and what we expect. So again, your partner might be untalkative after a long day, and you take that very personally to mean that they don't care about you, they're not happy to see you, they're never putting in effort. If they loved you, they would whatever, right? And it might just be as simple as they're tired. But because we have all of these stories, that really profoundly shapes our experience, and then again, those stories have us primed to look for threat, rejection, abandonment, all of those things that triggers our nervous system, and then the nervous system triggers all of the stories. So you can see again how the interplay between what's going on in our nervous system and all of those subconscious beliefs, how they sort of bounce off each other to create these spirals that once they kick off can be really really hard to interrupt if you don't have the right tools and awareness to be able to see it for what it is, and change course. So let's talk about how to do that, because it is absolutely possible. It's not something that you have to be at the mercy of, because really, understanding how to work with your nervous system rather than just let the train pull away from the platform and derail you, is such a powerful thing and it's really at the core of so much of what I teach.
[00:10:31]:
Being able to distance yourself a little bit, to really know what the cues for dysregulation in your own system are, so that you can go: Ah, yes, I know what's going on. I'm feeling a bit dysregulated. My heart rate is increasing. Maybe I'm feeling some tingling in my fingers. My breath is shortening. I'm feeling some heat in my face. My stomach is clenching. All of these cues of I'm going into a stress response right now, my body is perceiving some sort of threat or danger, and it's trying to prepare me to deal with that.
[00:11:02]:
Even just being able to notice that, rather than being swept up in it, and feeling like we're a passenger, going like, Oh yeah, look at these things that are happening in my body, isn't that interesting? And really just slowing down, and taking a breath, and really consciously orienting to the experience that we're having, rather than resisting it and going, what's going on? Oh, this is so terrible. Something really bad is happening. Being able to recognize like, oh yeah, my nervous system is dysregulated, and that is why I'm having all of these thoughts, and that's why I'm perceiving all this danger. I can see that for what it is without having to take all of the thoughts that I'm having as fact. I can actually recognize that those thoughts are a very natural byproduct of the state that I'm in, and that if I can make it my priority to bring some more regulation into my system, to down regulate, to move some of that energy if I need to, to complete that stress response rather than just acting on all of the impulses that it might be serving up to me, then that's going to free up a lot more choice, and that's ultimately what we want in these spirals, because it's almost like we're in a tunnel and it's really narrowing our choice. And again, our nervous system doesn't like a feeling of not having choice, of having our back up against the wall, and that creates this mounting urgency and stress and panic. So what we want to do is consciously orient back out, so slowing down, pausing, reminding ourselves that there is no urgency, we don't need to take action. If you haven't got a response to a text message, or your partner hasn't called you back, you don't need to ring them again straight away, nothing bad is going to happen, it's okay.
[00:12:36]:
And really just reminding ourselves, like, right here, right now, I am safe. What do I really know here? What are the facts? Can I just ground myself in reality and trust that I have enough time and space to take a few breaths? Nothing could possibly be so urgent that I can't put my phone down and take a few deep breaths, or go for a walk around the block, get some fresh air, look at the sky, look at the trees, and just remind myself that actually, I'm safe. Because really your body is telling you, you are not safe. And as much as that can feel so real and true, and of course relational challenges are really hard. It's registering in your nervous system, like I'm in danger. And so we need to find ways to remind our system, like I'm not in danger. I'm okay. Right? Even if the worst thing were to happen in my relationship, I'm not in danger.
[00:13:28]:
And the more that we can bring that loving presence to our own system, that reassuring, calming, grounding sense of security, that is a very, very empowering thing to be able to do for yourself. So that's really what you want to be able to do in the short term, is to bring a little bit more space, a little more regulation, so that you can interrupt that spiral rather than just riding the wave, right? So as soon as you notice yourself starting to spiral, you want to interrupt whatever it is you're doing. So if you're on your phone, as I think is so often the case, these spirals start with something to do with our tampons, put the phone down, like you really have to be self responsible and boundaried here, I know it's so addictive and hard to do, but put the phone down and walk away. You need to create some physical space between you and whatever the trigger is that is leading you to spiral. Similarly, if you're in the physical company of someone and maybe they've said something or done something, or they are being a bit disengaged and that's triggering you and you're starting to spiral and you notice yourself wanting to react or lash out, pause, walk away. Right? Not in a dramatic way, not in a punitive, protest y way, just in a way where you're extricating yourself from the situation that is triggering you, so that you can create a bit of breathing room, and you can again, I want you to think about that, like, rather than the tunnel narrowing, I want to widen out my lens because that's going to be really, really grounding. And actually, literally doing that by going outside and looking at the horizon, looking at the sky, looking at the trees, that can often be a very, very grounding resource for you that is almost always available. And so then, the other big piece of this, that's kind of the emergency response stuff, right? It's like, what do I do in the moment to interrupt the spiral? And if you can just do that, you're going to be a lot better off than not having that in your pocket.
[00:15:16]:
I think the broader work is around understanding what the core beliefs are that are triggering us all the time. What are those sensitivities that are leading us to be so hyper vigilant to threat? And again, I talk about this in my free training, but I like to use the analogy of that kind of nervous system stuff you can think of as using a fire extinguisher. And as a side note, I think nervous system work is so much more than just in the moment reactivity. I think it should be a part of your everyday practice of self care, to be building your capacity and really nourishing yourself. But in this specific context, those kind of nervous system pattern interrupts, like using the fire extinguisher, and then our core belief stuff, so really digging in, like what are the underlying wounds here that I'm working so hard to protect all the time? That's the longer term work, that's how we stop lighting the fires all the time, so that we don't need to rely on the fire extinguishers so much. And that is really the longer term work of building self worth, of understanding those abandonment fears, those rejection fears. And really I think a big part of that is all the ways that we abandon and reject ourselves because invariably that is there. I've never in all the thousands of people I've worked with met someone who has these really big, deep abandonment and rejection fears, who doesn't routinely abandon and reject themselves.
[00:16:43]:
And so almost always the work does begin with us, and rewiring that inner relationship. Again, this is at the very heart of everything that I preach and teach and share here and everywhere else. It really, for anxiously attached people, the work starts within. As much as we want to look out there and control everything out there as a way to create safety for ourselves, we have to build up that inner wellspring of self trust and this sense of, I will have my own back, I am capable, I'm safe, everything's going to be okay. We need to be able to give that to ourselves before we can ever hope to really feel that and trust that in our relationships. So I hope that that's been helpful. This feels like such a big topic, and I know that it's a really hard one, but I'm hoping that in giving you a bit of a bird's eye view on, like, what's going on there in your system, the interplay between your nervous system and those core beliefs, and how they tend to reinforce each other and fuel these spirals, and what you can do in the moment to just pause, slow down, interrupt, zoom out, and really exercising a lot of maturity and self responsibility around that, rather than just chasing that feeling, chasing the fear, and acting in these really, maybe impulsive ways that we even know in the moment are going to backfire. We know that they're not going to be the thing that's going to help us or bring us relief, but we tell ourselves, I can't help it.
[00:18:06]:
And I think that really, finding a part within you who can be mature and self responsible, your inner wise adult who says, Okay, I'm going to try and do something differently this time, that is such powerful work and it really that is what change looks like in those moments, pausing, slowing down and saying, I'm going to try and do something differently rather than doing the thing I've always done. And then the aggregation of all of those little moments of exercising choice and agency in the direction of a new way of being, that compounds over time and it really does pay dividends in terms of not only your relationship to other people, but I would say most importantly, your relationship to yourself, because you stop feeling so helpless and powerless, and at the mercy of someone else to make you feel better, and that is truly liberating. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. If what I've talked about today has resonated with you, I really do encourage you to join the Secure Self Challenge. We talk about all of these different expressions of self worth, as well as self regulation as part of that self care, self respect. These are all the themes that we work through in a really tangible, actionable way over a twenty eight day period. It's It's not too content heavy. It's kind of short and sweet audio lessons, and again, there's a live community and stuff like that.
[00:19:20]:
So it's a really great little bite sized intro to all of this stuff if you are wanting to go deeper. And if that's not for you, at the very least do check out my free training, because that does go deeper into what we've talked about today, and give you a little bit more context as to all of those pieces, the nervous system stuff, the core beliefs, and how they interact to produce these experiences of dysregulation that we all know so well, and where we need to focus our energy and attention in shifting those patterns. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:19:52]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, anxious spiraling, nervous system regulation, attachment styles, relationship anxiety, insecurity in relationships, self regulation, core beliefs, abandonment fears, rejection sensitivity, hypervigilance, emotional triggers, self worth, building self trust, healthy relationships, breaking negative cycles, emotional dysregulation, practical tools for anxiety, self care practices, stopping negative thoughts, interrupting emotional spirals, nervous system dysregulation, overthinking in relationships, emotional agency, relationship coaching, shame in attachment, self responsibility, Secure Self Challenge, healing attachment, creating emotional safety
#189: Why Anxiously Attached People Struggle with Jealousy
Jealousy is one of the most common—and most shamed—experiences for people with anxious attachment. In this episode, we’re exploring where jealousy really comes from, how it manifests in relationships, and why it makes so much sense through the lens of self-worth and attachment wounding.
For those with anxious attachment, jealousy tends to hit differently. It’s not just a fleeting emotion—it can feel all-consuming. And often, we carry a lot of shame about it. We judge ourselves for being “crazy” or “needy,” bury the feeling, and pretend everything is fine, while quietly spiralling inside. But when we approach jealousy with curiosity instead of criticism, we can start to understand what it’s really trying to show us.
The Roots of Jealousy in Anxious Attachment
At the core of anxious attachment lies a fear that we’re not enough. Not good enough, not attractive enough, not lovable enough. And if we believe that, it’s easy to imagine that someone “better” might come along and take our place.
So we stay hyper-alert. We scan our environment for threats. We compare ourselves to others—exes, colleagues, strangers on social media. We try to control the narrative, to protect what feels fragile. We might find ourselves engaging in behaviours we’re not proud of—stalking an ex online, obsessively seeking reassurance, snooping through a partner’s phone. And then we feel even worse about ourselves, reinforcing that deep-seated belief: “Something must be wrong with me.”
This kind of jealousy isn’t always about a specific person or threat. Sometimes it’s more subtle. We might feel jealous of our partner’s time, their work, their friends—anything that feels like it pulls them away from us. And underneath that? A longing to feel like a priority. A longing to feel chosen.
When Jealousy Is a Signal (Not a Symptom)
Of course, not all jealousy is irrational. Sometimes, there are valid concerns — boundary crossings, breaches of trust, emotional unavailability. But in this context, I’m speaking to the kind of jealousy that persists even in the absence of concrete red flags. The kind that has followed you from one relationship to the next. The kind that seems more rooted in your own self-worth than your partner’s behaviour.
When we start to see jealousy as a signal — not a character flaw — we can begin to respond to it more compassionately. What is this feeling trying to show me? What part of me is scared, hurting, or longing for something I haven’t yet learned to give myself?
The Shame Spiral
Jealousy is one of those emotions we’re culturally conditioned to suppress. It’s labelled as immature, controlling, embarrassing. So when it shows up, we often respond with shame. But shame doesn’t resolve jealousy—it magnifies it.
And when we add shame to an already vulnerable emotional cocktail of fear, insecurity, and comparison, we tend to act in ways that don’t align with our values. We might get clingy, controlling, or shut down. Then we beat ourselves up for being “too much,” which only reinforces the belief that we’re not enough.
It’s a cycle. But it’s not one you’re doomed to repeat forever.
The Role of Self-Worth
If there’s one thing I’ve learned — both personally and from working with thousands of people on healing anxious attachment — it’s this: so many of our relational struggles trace back to self-worth.
When we don’t believe we’re inherently worthy, we try to earn love. We chase it. We monitor it. We compare ourselves to anyone who might seem more worthy of it. But when we build genuine self-worth, jealousy starts to lose its grip. We no longer feel as threatened by someone else’s success, beauty, or charm. We don’t panic when our partner is late to text back or wants a night out with friends.
That doesn’t mean we never feel a twinge of jealousy — it just doesn’t hijack our nervous system. We’re able to stay grounded, get curious, and respond rather than react.
Moving Through Jealousy With Compassion
If this resonates, please know there’s nothing wrong with you. Jealousy is human. It doesn’t make you broken or unlovable. But it can be an invitation—to strengthen your inner foundation, to get to know your triggers, and to care for the parts of you that feel scared and small.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
When you notice feelings of jealousy arising in your relationship (or even outside of a relationship), what thoughts and beliefs tend to come up for you? Do you see any patterns in how you respond to these emotions?
How do you typically relate to your own experience of jealousy or envy? Is your first instinct to judge yourself, or can you approach these feelings with curiosity and compassion?
Reflect on a recent situation where you felt jealous—what do you believe was underneath that emotion? Was it a fear of being replaced, a sense of low self-worth, or something else entirely?
Do you catch yourself comparing yourself to others—friends, ex-partners, social media connections, or even strangers? What do you notice about how these comparisons impact your sense of self-worth?
In your relationships, do you ever feel like you're not a priority? How do you respond to that feeling, and what stories do you tell yourself about what it means?
When jealousy shows up, are you more likely to engage in behaviours like seeking reassurance, social media “stalking”, or over-analysing interactions? What needs do you think these behaviours are trying to meet?
Looking back, can you identify any longstanding core beliefs (for example, “I’m not good enough” or “Love can be taken away at any moment”) that might be driving your experience of jealousy?
How do you tend to handle situations where your jealousy feels overwhelming? Are there self-soothing strategies (or self-shaming habits) you notice yourself relying on?
What would it look like to address the root causes of jealousy through building self-worth, rather than trying to “fix” the jealousy itself?
How do you feel about the idea that, when you genuinely like and accept yourself, jealousy and comparison might naturally soften? What would need to shift internally for you to reach that place?
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:32]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about jealousy and in particular, why anxiously attached people struggle so much with jealousy. Now, if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns, you are probably very intimate with this struggle. It is really something that I'm answering questions on several times a week, every week from students in my healing anxious attachment course. It feels like a constant companion for a lot of us with anxious attachment patterns. And as we're going to talk about today, that makes a whole heap of sense because I think looking at the core wounds and beliefs of anxious attachment, jealousy emerges as a very, very natural consequence of feeling like we are not good enough, feeling like love can be taken away at any moment, comparison, unworthiness, fear of rejection. I think that all of those different expressions of our insecurity can often converge to create jealousy, and that jealousy can be really all consuming. I say that as someone who used to really, really struggle with jealousy. It used to be almost crippling for me, and yet it was something that I felt so much shame around that I buried it.
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No one would have known that I was wildly jealous. It's not something that I necessarily externalized and voiced to my partners. It was just something that I carried silently and yet it was so all consuming. I would engage in all of the behaviors that we'll talk about a little more in today's episode, the social media stalking, the obsessive comparison with other women, stuff like that was just, like, par for the course for me. It was a daily struggle. And so I wanna talk a little more about where this comes from, what sits underneath it in a way that hopefully allows you to reflect upon your own relationship with jealousy from a more neutral standpoint. Because I think one of the really big problems with jealousy is that collectively, societally, we tend to have a negative judgment attached to experiences of jealousy. It's not an emotion that many of us feel positively about.
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And so I think we associate jealousy with, like, craziness or being clingy or being desperate. And so then when we experience jealousy and maybe we experience it really intensely, we tend to shame ourselves for that, and that only makes it worse. It does nothing to help the underlying insecurities that are driving that jealousy in the first place. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and my hope is that you can walk away from today's episode with the ability to look compassionately and inquisitively at your jealousy. Approaching ourselves with curiosity is so much more fruitful than just labeling ourselves as bad and going, how can I stop being so jealous because it's ruining everything? As I always say, when we kind of heap shame and blame and wrongness on top of an experience we're having that's already really challenging, that invariably makes it worse and bigger. Now before we get into today's episode, couple of quick announcements. The first being my twenty eight day Secure Self Challenge is coming back. I'm gonna be running the challenge kicking off in mid June, and Monday, June will kick off.
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It's a four week challenge all about building self worth. And as we'll talk about today, so many of our relational struggles, whether it's jealousy or comparison or anxiety, all words lead back to self worth. And that's really the core of my teaching across so many different topics is that when our relational patterns are so other focused, which they are in anxious attachment, we tend to focus so much on the relationship and the other person, and we become so preoccupied with everything that's going on out there. And that is almost always to the detriment of our inner relationship and our sense of self worth and self esteem. And rather than trying to solve those issues in isolation, I'm always telling people, focus on you, build up your sense of self worth so that you don't feel so vulnerable to what's going on out there, so that you don't feel like you are just treading water and clutching at anyone and anything that might make you feel better temporarily. So all roads lead back to building self worth, and that's what the Secure Soft Challenge is all about. It's a really nice, short and sweet, not too content heavy way to reset, irrespective of whether you're currently in a relationship and feeling a bit stuck, whether you're just out of a breakup, whether you're dating and feeling like you're spinning out a bit. It's just a really nice way to come back to center, get really clear on who am I, who do I wanna be, how do I wanna show up, and be really intentional about all of that and and really flipping the script from the inside out.
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So if you're interested in that, I'm offering super early bird pricing for the next few days. You can sign up to the challenge for just $97 US dollars, and that includes the challenge materials, a pop up community for the four weeks, as well as two live calls with me. So it's a really great value offer. And you can sign up for that by heading to my website, stephaniewrigg.com, or the link to sign up is also included in the show notes. Okay. So let's talk about anxious attachment and jealousy. Now before we get into the meat of this discussion, I do just wanna offer a quick disclaimer or caveat. And I always like to say this before going into any discussion of things like trust or jealousy.
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Because I think sometimes people can say, oh, I don't know why I'm so jealous, or I don't know why I struggle with trust. And then they go on to tell me about several experiences where trust has been breached or lines have been crossed in their current relationship with their current partner, and yet they're making it an end problem. So I just wanna frame that I'm not so much talking in this discussion about jealousy as a natural response to inappropriate behavior in your relationship or boundary violations in your relationship. I think that is a different conversation, and it's not one that we want to be solving as a, I just need to stop being so jealous. I need to make myself fine with things that I'm clearly not fine with. Really, what I'm talking about here is where jealousy has followed you throughout your life, and you know that it's something to do with your inner relationship. And maybe it's even when you're not in a relationship, you struggle with jealousy, you are very envious of other people, you struggle with comparison a lot. All of those things signal, like, this is a self worth problem.
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And so it is something that I can really get curious about in terms of what is it in my own inner relationship and my own subconscious beliefs about myself and others that is producing this experience of constant jealousy. So I think for anxiously attached people, jealousy can feel like a minefield. And I think it can be useful when we're talking about jealousy to distinguish between jealousy as in I have to be possessive and protective of what is mine, and jealousy that can take more the form of envy in that I want something that someone else has or I'm I'm envious of what they have. And I think anxiously attached people experience both of those things. So you might look at other people, compare yourself to them, and feel less than and go, I'm so jealous of them and what they have or what they are that I am not. And we can use that as a way to feed our stories of low self worth, or it can be jealousy in the sense of, like, get away from my partner. I don't trust that person. I don't want them anywhere near my partner.
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I don't want my partner interacting with them, looking at them, having any sort of proximity to them at all because I feel the need to protect what is mine against those perceived outside threats. And I think that, as I said, anxiously attached people probably grapple with both of those flavors of jealousy. But it can be useful to reflect on, like, what's this really about? Is it me protecting what is mine, or is it me wanting what someone else has that I feel I lack? And neither is better or worse there. It's just interesting always to find what is this really about for me. And I think that maybe depending on the answer to that, the the fix might be different. So I think there can be lots of expressions of jealousy for anxiously attached people. There's the comparison. There's the low self worth.
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There's the fear of being replaced. So this sense that if my partner comes into contact with other people who I perceive as being my competitors, then they're going to realize that those people are better than me. More attractive, more confident, more intelligent, more charming, more whatever. And if given the opportunity, they're gonna want them instead of me. And so I'm going to be rejected. I'm going to be left. I'm gonna be replaced. And so jealousy emerges as this way to prevent that from happening to try and control the situation because I feel that I can't just release the group.
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I can't just be because I'm not enough as I am, and I need to make sure that my partner doesn't find out about that. They don't realize that, and certainly that they don't get the opportunity to trade up if I think that that's always a looming threat. So we can see that there are a lot of really tender fears that sit underneath jealousy, and that's why it's so important to actually dig a little and try and be compassionate because this stuff runs really deep. And if we just shame ourselves and go like, oh, I'm so whatever. Why am I like this? I need to stop being like this. And when we're already feeling so unworthy, so not enough, so insecure that we think that an attractive person that our partner passes on the street is a threat to everything in our relationship. That is a very, very vulnerable way to be in a relationship, and not the good kind of vulnerability. Vulnerable in the sense of so fragile.
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It's It's little wonder that if that's how we're operating, that we feel so shaky. We feel so anxious all the time because we are so primed to see and perceive threats everywhere we look. And now I think when we are operating from those subconscious scripts and subconscious beliefs around jealousy, maybe not even subconscious, maybe they're very front of mind for you that I'm not good enough. I'm not attractive enough. I can't trust in my relationship. It doesn't feel sturdy enough for me to just believe that my partner actually values me, loves me, wants me, chooses me. My partner's gonna leave me at a moment's notice. Like, all of those beliefs can drive a lot of our so called anxious attachment behaviors, our maybe not so healthy relationship behaviors.
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So things like social media stalking, things like maybe snooping through your partner's phone if you are really jealous and you're hypervigilant about that colleague. And what are their emails to each other like? And do I need to monitor for the tone in those emails? Is that flotation? Is it all of those things? Right? And our anxious parts go, like, you need to gather information because there are threats here, and I know there are threats here, and I need to go hunting for them. Some of the other behaviors that can come from jealousy are, like, incessant reassurance seeking. So asking someone, like, do you love me? Do you love her? Do you find her attractive? Why did you and your ex break up? Are you sure you don't have feelings for her? These patterns of questioning and reassurance seeking that never really scratch the itch. And I think that is so often the case with anxious attachment. It's so hard to take it in because if you fundamentally don't believe that your partner loves you and is choosing you, and you're always testing and you're always moving the goalposts, you can never take it in because you just don't believe it. And you're always looking for more evidence that it's not true or that it's going to be taken away or that something bad is going to happen. I think that can get you in a real loop of seeking that reassurance only to not take it in, and then your partner feels a bit like, what are we doing here? What's the point? Nothing I say is enough to alleviate your fears.
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I don't know why you don't trust me, And that can obviously be very exhausting for a partner and kind of exhausting for a relationship to be in that kind of cycle. Now, again, I just wanna emphasize that I'm not so much talking about situations where there are genuine breaches of trust going on. There are genuine, like, causes for concern. I'm talking more about where jealousy arises from that low self worth place within us and drives all of these behaviors when maybe there's not much to it. It is more in the form of paranoia and fear rather than a rational response to something that is going on that is not okay. I think another really interesting branch off the tree when it comes to the jealousy conversation is feeling like you are not a priority. And so feeling jealous of anyone and anything. So it can extend beyond people, and you can be jealous of a partner's work or hobbies or things that they spend time on that aren't you.
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I think this could almost be a whole episode in and of itself. In fact, I'm sure it could be because I think it's something we don't talk enough about how anxiously attached people constantly feel like they are not enough of a priority in their partner's life. And so they fight for their place, and they feel like they have to earn their place in someone's life and work really hard for that. And so they perceive all of these other things, whether it is, like, work or other people, friends, as their competitors again. That, like, I kind of need to be scrambling, elbowing these other people out of the way and convincing you that you should wanna spend time with me and not them. And so I think jealousy can come up when we feel hurt or rejected or neglected in a relationship. And it's this sense of, like, why don't you wanna spend time with me? Why aren't I good enough? Why isn't spending time with me the thing that you wanna do above everything else? Because I put you above everything else, and I think that's the the right thing to do in a relationship is to put you above everything else. So the fact that you don't necessarily reciprocate that or mirror that to the same degree must mean that you don't love me the way I love you, and that makes me feel hurt, rejected less than.
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And so that's a really, really common one. I actually hear this a lot from people in the context of often women who are dating men who have children from a previous relationship and feeling that they rank way down the list in terms of priorities in spending time together that the person they're seeing puts their kids first and maybe even their ex first and work and all of these things. And because they're busy and they're being pulled in many directions, people feeling like, I don't know where I stand with you because there are so many things ahead of me in the queue, and I'm always feeling like I'm just waiting around for any opportunity to spend time with you. And that's not something that you're really actively prioritizing, and that can really touch at some of our most sensitive wounds and and feelings of not being good enough, of not being, you know, if I were more something, then you would wanna spend time with me. You would make me a priority. And so I try and prove my worth. I try and strive for a place in your life. And oftentimes in doing so, I just feel like a failure.
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I feel nothing I do is enough for you to make me a priority. And so even though we wouldn't necessarily think of that as a jealousy thing, I think jealousy can arise in that kind of setting because we get jealous of even a partner's kids who are in previous relationship or a partner's ex if they're communicating with them even just functionally about co parenting or a partner's friends or people they play golf with or whatever. It can feel like all of these people rank ahead of me. What would it take for me to be higher on the list? And so we can feel really envious and jealous of all of those things that are taking our partner away from us when all we want is to be close. So all of that is painting the picture of how jealousy can look and where it can come from, and the various permutations and expressions of jealousy that anxiously attached people will often experience in relationships, and some of the behaviors that can spring from it, that maybe then feed these shame cycles of I'm feeling really insecure, and so I behave in these ways that then I shame myself for, that then leads me to feel more insecure. And then on and on, I spiral into that loop of kind of berating myself for not being more secure, but that insecurity then feeds all of the behaviors that make me shame myself more. So what do we do with all of this? I think, as I said earlier, the remedy can depend a little on the specifics of the situation. Sometimes we need to have a conversation with someone.
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Maybe there are boundaries that need to be clarified. Maybe we need to advocate more for what we want and need in a relationship. But I think oftentimes, in fact, almost always, your experience of jealousy will be at least somewhat alleviated by focusing on building self worth. Because I think that underpinning all of those expressions of jealousy is a feeling of unworthiness and I am not enough. And so I have to prove myself to you so that you don't leave me, reject me, so that you want me more, so that you choose me, so that you show up for me. But I'm making whatever's going on out there a me problem, and I'm feeding the story that I have to prove myself. So when I can really heal that at the root within myself and build genuine self confidence and genuine self esteem so that I can stand firm in, like, I know who I am, and I'm comfortable in who I am. And I don't think that something as fleeting and innocuous as, like, an attractive person in a restaurant, I don't feel threatened by that.
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That has nothing to do with me or my relationship. I say this again as someone who absolutely used to see those threats everywhere and feel genuinely destabilized by them. Noticing things like, Is my partner looking at that person? Oh, is this colleague a threat? Is that person in the extended friendship group a threat? All of these things, it was just such hypersensitivity to anyone and anything that I thought could be a source of danger to me and my relationship that already felt so fragile. So, I really understand this, And I can guarantee you that when you learn to really embody sincere self confidence and really actually learning to like yourself, never mind learning to love yourself. I think that could come later, but just focusing on, can I really hand on heart say, like, I'm comfortable with who I am and I like myself? I think that jealousy falls away. It just feels less relevant. It feels way less acute. It's not something that occupies so much of your mental and emotional energy because you really start to trust in your relationships.
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And I think your relationships start to be healthier and more balanced, so that you're not constantly scrambling for someone's attention. And I think your ability to see a relationship for what it is and go, Is this aligned? Or am I asking for something from someone who's never gonna be able to give it to me? So I think that, like, it all bleeds out and ripples out into a healthier and more balanced way of being in relationship. And I think jealousy is not one that we then need to solve as a standalone issue in isolation because I do find that it naturally softens as a result of working on building self worth and and being more comfortable in who we are. So I hope that that's been helpful and has given you something to think about if you are someone who struggles a lot with jealousy and envy and comparison. Please know that it is nothing to be ashamed of. It really is, a, completely human. Like, jealousy is something every single one of us has experienced. Envy too.
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I think we can have, as I said, like, all these really heavy negative connotations attached to these emotions, but they're just emotions like any other. The more that we can look at them with compassion and and a degree of neutrality, the more we can see a point of this and go, okay, what's really going on for me here, and how might I support myself to feel a little more grounded so that I don't feel like I'm at the mercy of these spirals that I can get into around jealousy and comparison and feeling so insecure and unstable in myself and my relationships. Okay. I'm gonna leave it there. Thank you so much for joining me today, guys. I really hope that this has been helpful. A reminder again about the Secure Self Challenge, which is kicking off in a couple weeks' time. If you haven't already checked out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love, that is a great free option as well if you wanna go deeper on some of the themes that we talked about here today. Okay. Thanks so much for joining me, guys. I'll see you again next time.
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Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
healing anxious attachment, attachment styles, relationships, single vs in a relationship, personal growth, self-awareness, romantic triggers, emotional safety, inner relationship, self-esteem, corrective experiences, core wounds, nervous system, somatic healing, belief reprogramming, communication skills, setting boundaries, conflict resolution, relationship patterns, vulnerability, intimacy, self-advocacy, relationship breakups, dating, transformation, personal development, emotional regulation, being triggered, relational wounds, decision making in healing