#225: How to Know Whether to Keep Trying or Walk Away from a Relationship
Few questions feel heavier than “Should I stay, or should I go?” If you’re sitting with uncertainty about your relationship—wondering whether to keep trying or to walk away—I want to start by acknowledging how complex and emotionally loaded that position can be. Especially when there are shared histories, homes, finances, or children involved, this decision can feel impossibly layered and conflicted. There is no universal right answer here. And no one else can make this call for you. What can help, though, is slowing things down and creating space for honest reflection—so your decision comes from clarity and integrity, not fear, panic, or obligation. Below are 10 questions designed to support that process.
Few questions feel heavier than “Should I stay, or should I go?”
If you’re sitting with uncertainty about your relationship—wondering whether to keep trying or to walk away—I want to start by acknowledging how complex and emotionally loaded that position can be. Especially when there are shared histories, homes, finances, or children involved, this decision can feel impossibly layered and conflicted.
There is no universal right answer here. And no one else can make this call for you.
What can help, though, is slowing things down and creating space for honest reflection—so your decision comes from clarity and integrity, not fear, panic, or obligation.
Below are 10 questions designed to support that process.
Not to tell you what to do—but to help you hear yourself more clearly.
1. What would actually need to change for me to feel good about staying?
When relationships feel hard, we often carry a vague sense of dissatisfaction or a long list of surface-level complaints. But if you had to articulate it clearly:
What specifically would need to change?
Are those needs realistic and clearly communicated?
Is there any reason—beyond hope—to believe those changes are likely or imminent?
If you can’t name what would genuinely help, or if the goalposts keep moving, that’s important information. It may point to deeper unmet needs that haven’t been addressed—or acknowledged.
2. Is my partner genuinely willing to do the work with me?
It’s common for one person to lead the charge when it comes to growth, therapy, or change. That alone isn’t a dealbreaker.
What does matter is whether your partner:
Acknowledges that something isn’t working
Takes responsibility for their part
Shows a willingness to engage in repair or support
If you feel like you’re carrying the emotional labour alone, or your partner is consistently closed off or dismissive, that’s worth taking seriously.
Change requires collaboration.
3. Do we have respect, trust, and admiration for each other?
Love matters—but it’s not enough on its own.
Healthy, lasting relationships are built on:
Mutual respect
Trust
Admiration
Ask yourself:
Do I genuinely respect who this person is?
Do I trust them?
Do I admire their character?
And do I believe they feel the same way about me?
If contempt, distrust, or emotional erosion has become the norm, repair may be possible—but only if both people are invested.
4. Has this relationship ever worked in a sustainable way?
Has there ever been a version of this relationship where:
Both of your core needs were met?
The dynamic felt stable and functional?
The connection wasn’t just fueled by hope or potential?
If you’re fighting for something that’s never actually existed beyond the honeymoon phase, it may be time to ask whether you’re investing in reality—or chasing a future that isn’t grounded in the present.
5. Do I want this relationship—or just to be chosen?
This is especially important for those with anxious attachment patterns.
Sometimes what we’re holding onto isn’t the relationship itself, but:
The fear of being alone
The desire to be chosen
The discomfort of starting over
Ask yourself honestly:
Am I fighting for this person, or am I fighting against abandonment, rejection, or scarcity?
Those are very different motivations—and they lead to very different outcomes.
6. Who am I in this relationship—and do I like that version of me?
Relationships will challenge us, yes. But they shouldn’t require us to shrink, self-edit, or constantly betray ourselves.
Reflect on:
How you show up in this dynamic
Whether you feel proud of that version of yourself
Whether the relationship supports your growth—or stifles it
Some of this may be your work to do. But some of it may be valuable information about the relational environment you’re in.
7. Am I betraying my own boundaries or non-negotiables to stay?
Compromise is normal.
Self-abandonment is not.
If you’ve repeatedly lowered your standards, ignored dealbreakers, or tolerated behaviour that fundamentally erodes your sense of safety, trust, or self-respect—ask yourself:
What is this costing me?
And is the price one I’m genuinely willing to keep paying?
8. If I could fast-forward 12 months post-breakup, would I?
This question often cuts through a lot of confusion.
If you could wave a magic wand and:
Skip the grief
Skip the uncertainty
Skip the logistical chaos
…and simply be on the other side, grounded and moving forward—would you do it?
If the answer is yes, that may suggest it’s not the relationship you’re holding onto—but the fear of the transition.
9. Am I staying because I believe in this relationship—or because I’m afraid of letting go?
For many people, especially those who have invested deeply, leaving can feel like failure.
You might be holding questions like:
What does this say about me?
After everything I tried, how did it still not work?
What will others think?
Sometimes the hardest thing to let go of isn’t the person—but the story we’ve been telling ourselves about what it means to stay.
10. Am I looking for reasons to stay—or permission to leave?
As you reflect on these questions, notice:
Are you hoping to be nudged toward staying?
Or quietly wishing someone would tell you it’s okay to walk away?
That longing can be very revealing.
And here’s the truth: both choices are valid.
You’re allowed to stay and fight if there’s still substance, safety, and willingness on both sides.
And you’re allowed to leave if the relationship is causing you ongoing harm or misalignment.
Neither decision defines your worth or your attachment security.
Final Thoughts
You don’t need perfect clarity.
You don’t need to see ten steps ahead.
Often, the only thing you need to know is the next right step.
From there, you can reassess, gather support, and keep moving—one decision at a time.
If you’re in this space, I’m sending you so much compassion. This is hard. And you’re not weak or broken for struggling with it.
Trust that whatever you choose, you can meet yourself with honesty, self-respect, and care—and figure out the rest as you go.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about how to know when a relationship is worth fighting for. How to know whether to stay and keep trying or to let go, to walk away, to throw in the towel. Now, of course, this is a hugely personal and oftentimes a really hard and heavy thing to be sitting with. So I just want to acknowledge at the outset that if that's the situation that you're in, if that's the decision that you are confronting, confronting, it makes sense that it feels impossibly complicated and dense and layered and conflicted. Because of course, everyone's situation is going to be different. And if there are other factors that make it even more complicated, like maybe you've been together for a long time, maybe you live together, maybe you own a house together, maybe you have kids.
[00:00:53]:
There are so many things that pull us in different directions and that can feel really messy. So I want to acknowledge the complexity of it. And I also want to say that ultimately no one can make this decision but you. So everything that I'm going to share today, I really want you to take in the spirit of reflective questions and guidance, but ultimately not me dictating what is right for you. And today's episode is going to be me sharing 10 questions for you to reflect on that can perhaps lead you to greater clarity around what it is that you're feeling, wanting, needing, and whether it makes sense to continue investing in light of that. And there really is no right answer here, only the right answer for you. Now, before we get into today's episode, I just wanted to remind you that I have a tonne of free resources on my website. If you're someone who's struggling with insecure attachment, particularly anxious attachment, that's the bulk of the people who I support in my work.
[00:01:49]:
I have heaps of free resources on my website, free trainings that you can come along to. I have guided meditations. I have Anxious Attachment pep talks, which is a really cool audio resource for those moments when you're kind of spinning out. It's like me giving you a quick pep talk. I have an Anxious Attachment starter kit with a collection of different things, so there's plenty there. If you are learning about this and you are looking for some additional resources and my work resonates with you, definitely go and cheque out some of those free resources because they're a great place to start or to go deeper. So let's get into these 10 questions around how to know whether to stay and keep Trying or whether to walk away. How to know whether a relationship is worth fighting for? The first question is what specifically would need to change in order for me to feel good about staying? And is there any reason to believe that those changes are likely and imminent? So I think that when things feel hard in our relationships, oftentimes we have either a generalised sense of dissatisfaction or we have a long shopping list of complaints directed at our partner.
[00:02:59]:
Unmet needs, all of those things. But if we were asked to articulate specifically what would need to change in order for us to feel better about the relationship, we might actually have a hard time doing that. Or we might say one thing, but then if our partner makes that change all of a sudden, there's another thing. And what that might point us to is that we weren't articulating the deeper need that's going unmet. We were more so just playing whack a mole with surface level complaints and points of dissatisfaction. So it's important to have clarity on what is actually going on for me here. What are the deeper needs? What are the rumblings coming up from within me that are making this feel so hard? And do I have clarity around that? Have I communicated that to my partner? Have they communicated to me what maybe isn't feeling great for them? And do we have a plan? Are we aligned on what would need to change? Or do we at least have a plan to get that clarity and to get that support, like going to couples therapy together, such that I can feel confident about the fact that we are at least moving in the right direction, rather than having all of these complaints and just feeling like we're at an impasse and there's no movement here and there's no willingness to do that work together. So having that sense of knowing specifically what would need to change at a minimum, for me to feel okay about this, for me to not feel like I've got one foot out the door.
[00:04:23]:
And is there any reason to believe, other than hope, that those changes are likely and or imminent? Okay, the next question is, and it's sort of related to the first one, is my partner demonstrating a real willingness to do this work with me? Are they on board with the fact that things aren't great at the moment? And are they showing a desire to make things better? Does this feel like a team effort or does it feel like I am carrying the weight of this thing 100% on my own shoulders? Now, I think it's important to recognise that it is very, very comm. Common for one person to Lead the charge when it comes to making changes in a relationship, to be the instigator of couples therapy or to be the one who is more interested in relationship growth, work and personal development and all of that. It's not to say that you have to be both super gung ho about all of that stuff, but if you are feeling really unhappy in your relationship and your partner is a brick wall and either figuratively or literally has their arms folded and is turned away from you insofar as making any of those changes, again, we have to look at that and see it for what it is, which might be very plainly signalling that nothing's going to change. Because your partner either doesn't think that anything needs to or they don't want to change. And they might be telling you that quite clearly. So any hope that you have around things changing might be misguided. And certainly if it feels like you're carrying the weight of that completely alone, that can be a sign that maybe the sense of collaboration that is required to make changes in a relationship is maybe lacking. So while that's not a definitive reason, it's certainly something to reflect on.
[00:06:09]:
Okay, the next question is, do I feel respect, trust and admiration for this person, my partner, and. And do I feel that they have those same feelings towards me? I think that we really put a lot of weight on love and connection and those things are really nice. But I think that for our relationship to be secure and to go the distance, we need respect, we need trust and admiration. Really looking at your partner as someone that you think is a wonderful person, who has great attributes, who you really look up to, rather than someone who you look down upon, who you have contempt towards, who you only have bad things to say about. I think that a lot of the time when we feel a bit stuck in our relationship, we're fighting so hard to keep it alive, but we actually don't have a nice thing to say about our partner. And we can become so invested in the mission of change that we lose sight of what we're really fighting for. So asking yourself, do I feel respect and admiration and trust for this person on a fundamental level, and do I believe that they feel those same things about me? And if not, is that because something's happened and repair is needed, or have I never really felt those things for my partner? And I may be fighting a losing battle here in trying to keep this relationship alive. Okay, the next question is, has there ever been a version of this relationship where both of our core needs were being met consistently? And sustainably, or is this just a pie in the sky reaching for something that we've never really tasted? There's never been a version of this relationship that's actually been healthy and functional beyond the initial haze of a honeymoon period.
[00:07:56]:
Have we ever made this work? Or is it something that we're striving for but maybe lack the capacity to actually execute on? So I think that this question is really designed to cut through that tendency that many of us have to invest in potential. And I don't think that there's anything wrong with investing in potential, provided that there's a really solid foundation in the present. And I think that that's the point of distinction if we're completely invested in potential. But the day to day is causing us a lot of pain and suffering and there's actually nothing of substance now, and there hasn't been. So we're just striving for something that doesn't really exist and may never exist. Then I think that's where we have to get honest with ourselves and go, is this relationship ever going to work? Is there really enough here to justify continuing to work towards a better? Or do we maybe need to acknowledge that we're not a good fit? That it's really unlikely that we're both going to get our needs met in a way that feels good for us? Because that's never actually been a feature of this relationship. We've always been swimming against the tides. It's always felt hard.
[00:09:08]:
So I think reflecting on that and getting really honest with yourself is potentially a very illuminating question as well. Okay, the next question, and this is probably particularly directed at my anxious attaches. Do I actually want this relationship or am I just attached to being chosen and loved and being in a relationship? So sometimes we struggle to let go because we make it mean something about us. And we like the idea that we are someone's partner. But it's not actually about this relationship that we really deeply love and care for and want to build something with this person. It's just the letting go feels too scary. Or we don't like what that would mean about us if we were to be alone again. And so those insecurities and that scarcity can lead us to hold on because any relationship feels like a life raft.
[00:10:06]:
And you may be someone who defaults to preferring that over being alone. And so your threshold or your bar for walking away is so, so high. So just asking yourself, is it really this relationship with you, this person that I am attached to? Or is it the idea of A relationship and of being chosen that I'm holding onto and fighting so desperately for. Okay, the next question is, who am I in this relationship and do I like that version of me? How do I show up here? Is it in a way that I'm proud of? Do I feel like this relationship supports me to be my best self? Does it feel like a container for my growth and my self expression in a way that really positive and supportive? Or does it feel like this relationship has me shrinking or self editing all the time? Or I'm constantly triggered so I'm highly reactive Again, while relationships will be mirrors and they will have us bumping up against our edges. So it's not unusual to feel like relationships challenge you in unique ways relative to friendships or other lower stakes relationships. I think we do need to take responsibility and go, okay, some of that's my work and maybe I can and need to take ownership for how I've been showing up and cleaning up my side of the street. But also I think we need to look at the broader relational environment and go, why is it that I'm maybe not showing up as my best self here? Is that because the relationship dynamic is not conducive to that, or I do feel like I have to shut down parts of myself in order to hold on or to make this work? And if the answer is yes, if you don't like the version of yourself that you are in this relationship, how much of that is within my control to change and how much of that is valuable feedback and information for me about whether the relationship is the right fit? Okay, the next question is, am I betraying my own boundaries, non negotiable needs or deal breakers in order to stay in this relationship? So this question is really about self abandonment and self sacrifice in those really core aspects. Again, the important nuance here is that we all make compromises to make a relationship work.
[00:12:24]:
So it's not to say that the relationship should accommodate your every need and preference at all times, otherwise you should leave it. But I think at the other extreme, and certainly I would say most people that I work with who do lean more towards anxious attachment are much more prone to self abandonment and giving someone endless chances saying that something's a non negotiable, but then persisting even when that gets breached again and again. So here I think we have to get really honest about how far we might have fallen in our own standards in terms of what we have allowed to exist in the relationship, what we have come to tolerate. And if that's so Many miles away from what we say is really critical and important to us. In order to feel fundamentally safe, loved and cared for in a relations for us to feel a sense of trust and respect, then we again might have to look at either asserting more of that and raising our standards within the relationship, or if it feels like we've had to drop those standards in order to hold onto someone, then that's something we have to look at. You know, is that costing me more than I'm willing to pay in order to hold on? Okay, the next question is, if I could wave a magic WAND and be 12 months post breakup, would I do it? So this question is very illuminating and it's really getting at Am I afraid of the transition, the immediate aftermath, the grief, the uncertainty, or is it the relationship that I don't want to let go of? And I think if you are someone who knows that the relationship isn't right and you know that you need to end it, then your answer to this might be, yes, I would wave that magic wand if I could, you know, fast forward 12 months and have landed on my feet and that relationship be behind me, I would take that in an instant. I know for me that that was absolutely true. When I was in a not very healthy relationship, so much of my fear around leaving was logistical and resistance to that transitional period where things felt really wobbly and uncertain and, you know, all of the questions that came along with that.
[00:14:37]:
But if you'd said to me, would you like to skip past all of that and just be in the next chapter with your feet firmly planted and looking to the future, I would have jumped at the. And I think that that's very telling if that resonates with you, that it's less about the relationship and more about the overwhelm of leaving and starting something new, starting from scratch and figuring out what that looks like in amongst all of the unknown. So if you were able to wave that magic WAND and be 12 months down the track post breakup and kind of feel like yourself again and have the relationship behind you, would you take that? Okay, second last question is, am I holding on because I believe in this relationship or because I'm afraid of what it would mean to let go? So a lot of us have a really complicated relationship with walking away from relationships, and that can be tied up with all sorts of feelings around failure, around not being enough. Particularly, again, if you're more anxious in your attachment patterns, there can be this sense of I invested so much like the sunk cost factor of I've tried so hard and I was still not able to make it work. So what does that mean about me? After I tried to be the perfect partner, after I made all these sacrifices and still I couldn't get us over the line? I couldn't get them to love me. I couldn't get them to meet my needs. When we've made it our mission to change someone or to salvage a relationship, then we have a lot of of our identity and our worth invested in that being a success storey. And so again, sometimes it's less about letting go of this person or this relationship and more about what that would mean about us and what we would make it mean about us and what other people might think and all of those things.
[00:16:28]:
So getting honest with yourself around, am I scared of losing this person or am I scared about what it would mean about me to fail again, so to speak, or to have another uncertainty, unsuccessful relationship? Is that what I'm trying to avoid rather than the actual loss of this relationship? Okay, and the final question here is, am I looking for reasons to stay or reasons to leave? So when you hit play on this podcast episode and you've been listening to these questions, are you hoping that my advice nudges you towards staying or nudges you towards leaving? What are you looking for permission for here? Because I think a lot of us deep down will know, like, I want someone to just tell me what to do. And secretly I'm hoping they tell me to leave. Or I'm hoping they tell me that it's okay to stay and that it's not a lost cause. Right. So whatever you're hoping for in looking for answers to these questions might point you towards where you're at and where your heart is in terms of whether you've still got a bit of fight in you or whether you're done and you're just looking for someone to tell you it's okay. You're allowed to walk away. And while I think that that question, that reflection can be really revealing, I will just say it. Both of those things are allowed.
[00:17:48]:
You're allowed to walk away if a relationship is not working and is causing you suffering. And you're allowed to stay and fight for a relationship if you've still got some gas in the tank and you've invested a lot and there's still some substance there and some fundamental goodness that you feel is worth fighting for. Neither of those are better or worse. Neither of those are more secure or say anything about you on a fundamental level. As I said at the start, this is so deeply personal and contextual. So it's not about the right decision in any objective sense. It's just what is the right decision for me right now. And I think that that has to be determined by reference to what feels right for you and what feels in integrity.
[00:18:33]:
And hopefully the questions I've shared with you today will have shone a light on that and given you a bit more clarity and helped you wade through all of the layers of that in a way that provides you with a deeper sense of what the next right step is for you. And I think the other thing to recognise is you don't have to have all of the answers. You don't have to have it all figured out. Oftentimes we get so overwhelmed in making these big decisions because we think we have to see 10 steps ahead, when really we just have to know what the next step is. And at that point we can reassess and we can figure out what comes after that. So if you're feeling really paralysed and overwhelmed, don't feel like you have to know all of the answers to everything that's going to happen in the future. Just try to control for what's in your control and trust that you can figure out the rest as you go. And that includes seeking the input and guidance and support of people that you trust as well.
[00:19:28]:
Okay. If you are in this position of trying to decide whether to stay or whether to walk away from a relationship, I'm sending you so much love because I know that that can feel really heavy and overwhelming. I think many of us have been there. I certainly have. And I do hope that the questions in today's episode have offered you some comfort and some clarity. Sending you lots of love, and I look forward to seeing you again soon. Thanks, Guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
relationship worth fighting for, stay or leave relationship, relationship decision making, reflection questions for relationships, relationship clarity, insecure attachment, anxious attachment, free attachment resources, unmet needs in relationships, relationship change, couples therapy, partner willingness for change, respect in relationships, trust in relationships, admiration in relationships, relationship dissatisfaction, relationship potential, healthy relationship foundations, self abandonment, relationship boundaries, non negotiable needs, deal breakers in relationships, self sacrifice, fear of being alone, relationship identity, personal growth in relationships, self expression, self reflection, leaving a relationship, relationship uncertainty, relationship guidance
#224: I Drunk Texted My Ex and Feel So Much Shame — Help! (Ask Steph)
Let’s start with a collective exhale. If you’ve ever woken up after a night out, checked your phone, and felt that full-body cringe when you realised you drunk texted your ex—please know this: you are human. You are not broken, weak, or uniquely embarrassing. You’re also very much not alone. This is one of those experiences that feels intensely personal and shame-inducing, yet is incredibly common—especially after a breakup, when emotions are still raw and self-control can be fragile. So let’s talk about what to do after the drunk text—without spiralling into shame.
Let’s start with a collective exhale.
If you’ve ever woken up after a night out, checked your phone, and felt that full-body cringe when you realised you drunk texted your ex—please know this: you are human. You are not broken, weak, or uniquely embarrassing. You’re also very much not alone.
This is one of those experiences that feels intensely personal and shame-inducing, yet is incredibly common—especially after a breakup, when emotions are still raw and self-control can be fragile.
So let’s talk about what to do after the drunk text—without spiralling into shame.
Why Drunk Texting an Ex Makes Sense (Even If You Regret It)
When you drink, your inhibitions drop, your judgement gets fuzzy, and the emotions you’ve been carefully managing all day suddenly feel louder. The urge to text your ex probably isn’t new—it’s just that when you’re sober, you have guardrails in place.
You might be in no contact.
You might know, logically, that reaching out won’t help.
You might be actively trying to move on.
Alcohol doesn’t create the desire—it just removes the brakes.
So if part of you is thinking, “Why would I do that?” the answer is simple: because you’re grieving, you’re human, and you were in a moment where your self-control was compromised. That doesn’t mean you’ve undone all your progress.
What About the Shame?
Shame has a way of turning a single moment into a sweeping identity statement:
“I’m pathetic.”
“I have no self-respect.”
“I always mess this up.”
But here’s the truth: shame doesn’t help you grow. It just makes you feel worse—and ironically, feeling worse often makes you more likely to repeat the behaviour you’re ashamed of.
So instead of beating yourself up, the more constructive question is:
What can I learn from this so it doesn’t happen again?
Should You Follow Up With Your Ex?
If you feel the need to acknowledge the message, keep it simple. You don’t need to over-explain, justify, or pour your heart out.
Something like:
“Sorry about that—shouldn’t have sent it. Take care.”
That’s it. Clean, boundaried, and respectful. Then the focus shifts away from managing your ex’s perception of you and back to what actually matters: supporting yourself.
The Real Work: Putting Guardrails in Place
This is where growth happens.
Building self-trust isn’t about never making mistakes—it’s about responding to them responsibly.
Ask yourself:
What conditions made this more likely?
Where did things start to spiral?
For many people, the answer is alcohol—especially in the tender period after a breakup. If you know drinking lowers your guardrails right now, it might be time to pause or significantly reduce it for a while. Not as a punishment, but as self-protection.
Other helpful guardrails might include:
Deleting your ex’s number
Blocking or unfollowing them on social media
Avoiding situations where you’re likely to drink when you’re feeling emotionally vulnerable
This isn’t about white-knuckling your way through temptation. It’s about removing the temptation altogether when your willpower is low.
That’s not weakness—that’s maturity.
Turning Shame Into Self-Respect
Instead of collapsing into embarrassment, try reframing the experience as feedback.
You woke up feeling bad because you acted out of alignment with your values. That discomfort is information—not a verdict on your worth.
The question becomes:
What do I need to do to support myself in making a better choice next time?
When you answer that honestly—and follow through—you start rebuilding:
Self-trust
Self-respect
Self-worth
And those are things that often take a hit at the end of a relationship and in the aftermath of a breakup.
Be Kind, But Be Accountable
You don’t need to punish yourself. You also don’t need to brush it off like it doesn’t matter.
You can hold both:
Compassion for being human
Responsibility for doing better next time
That balance is where healing actually happens.
So if you drunk texted your ex and feel ashamed—take a breath. Learn the lesson. Put the supports in place. And remember: one moment doesn’t define you.
You’re allowed to grow from this without tearing yourself down in the process.
Sending you lots of love.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is an Ask Steph where I answer a listener question. And this one is, I drunk texted my ex and I feel so much shame. Help. What do I do? Okay, so deep breath first acknowledge that you are human and that this is one that many people relate to. You are far from being the first person to drunk text and ex and you will not be the last. So try not to be too hard on yourself.
[00:00:28]:
It makes sense that you know when your inhibitions are lowered, your judgement is impaired and you feel sad, lonely and you know, the thing that you want to do all the time suddenly becomes the thing that you're willing to do. Right? I'm sure that during the day you probably want to text your ex as well, but you know that that's not the thing that you're doing. Maybe you're in no contact or you know, you're just deciding to keep the boundary, but then when you have a few drinks, suddenly you're willing to do the thing that you otherwise have more self control around. So it's a very human thing. And, and at the same time, I think the way that we can deal with that shame in a more constructive way is by committing to make sure it doesn't happen again and to learn the lesson. Okay, so I don't think that the focus should be on like how do I undo this with respect to my ex. I think you can, you know, if you want to, you can send a follow up message saying really sorry, shouldn't have sent that, hope you're well or whatever. Adapt it to the circumstances in a way that makes sense to you, depending on what the message actually said that you sent while you were drunk.
[00:01:34]:
Whatever. Think you have to over explain it. I don't think that you have to, you know, give some whole big apology. I think you can just acknowledge, sorry, shouldn't have done that. That was a, you know, overstep, won't happen again. And then I think you have to really put guardrails in place to make sure it doesn't happen again. Because that is how we learn the lesson and that's how we grow and that's how we build self trust. Not by stewing in shame and blaming ourselves and telling ourselves that we're a loser or we're pathetic or we're so embarrassing we go, oh, okay.
[00:02:05]:
We might have that feeling of waking and like face palming and going, oh my God, I feel totally cringe about what I did last night and I feel really embarrassed how do I make sure that doesn't happen again? Or maybe I'm not going to drink for a while, right? If I know that at the moment that's not a healthy thing for me and that it removes the guardrails that are otherwise in place, that it impairs my self control to a point where I'm likely to behave in ways that I'm going to regret, I need to not do that, right? I need to walk it back a few steps and go, okay, where did this start to spiral? Where did this start to take a turn for me? Okay, drinking. Maybe I'm not going to drink for the next month or two months or whatever while I'm really in this tender place with respect to my breakup. Maybe I need to delete my ex's number. Maybe I need to block them or unfollow them on social media, whatever the guardrails look like. You need to be sensible and responsible in creating those structures for yourself. At a time when self control feels hard. And this is true outside of the context of drunk texting an ex. When we are trying to move on from someone, when we are trying to push against what feels instinctive, which might be reaching out to them, and instead do what's right, which is closing the door and creating the space and trying to move our life forward, we do really need to help ourselves out.
[00:03:32]:
And part of that is removing temptation. It's not just white knuckling it to extreme degrees. It's like, okay, how do I remove the temptation when I am in the headspace ways to do that? How can I be rational and sensible and mature and responsible about helping myself out so that in the moments when I maybe have less willpower, the temptation isn't there. And that's a life lesson you could apply to a lot of things, but certainly in this case. And when it comes to moving on from an ex, I think that that's a really good rule of thumb. So don't beat yourself up. Don't be too hard on yourself. That's not actually going to accomplish anything other than making you feel worse, which I would argue is then going to make you more likely to want to go out and get drunk and text your cheques again.
[00:04:15]:
So don't do that. You don't have to beat yourself up. You're not the first person, you won't be the last. But learn from the way that you're feeling. Take that as feedback rather than just going into this kind of contracted, cringy, shamey place. It's like, okay, I don't want to feel like this again. So what needs to happen in order that I can ensure that I don't wake up feeling like this or that I don't, you know, act out of integrity or out of alignment or in ways that I'm ashamed of? How can I support myself to keep making good choices? And that's really what you have to get clear on and then you gotta follow through. And that's a really powerful way to build self trust and self respect and self worth, which are three things that you are going to need after a breakup because oftentimes those things take a bit of a hit when we've been on the last legs of a relationship and then working through a breakup.
[00:05:02]:
Okay, so sending you lots of love. Don't be too hard on yourself but do figure out what you need to do to support yourself to make a better choice next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
drunk texting, ex, breakup, shame, self-trust, setting boundaries, moving on, no contact, regret, self-control, guardrails, self-compassion, self-respect, learning from mistakes, apologising to ex, impulsive decisions, integrity, self-worth, removing temptation, not beating yourself up, social media boundaries, deleting ex’s number, blocking ex, emotional healing, alcohol and judgement, relationship recovery, personal growth, supporting yourself, making better choices, self-blame