#185: How Caretaking Impacts Our Relationships
Many of us are taught that taking care of the people we love is the ultimate expression of devotion. But when caring crosses the line into caretaking, it can quietly create deep imbalances in our relationships.
When we think about being a good partner, many of us picture ourselves as caring, attentive, and supportive. But sometimes, particularly for those of us with anxious attachment patterns, that caring instinct can tip into something else entirely: caretaking.
Caretaking is one of the most common — and understandable — patterns for those who experience relationship anxiety. It’s a way of trying to create safety, often without even realising it. Yet over time, it can set up dynamics of imbalance that don’t serve anyone involved.
In today’s post, I want to explore the difference between caring and caretaking, why we’re drawn into caretaking roles, and what the impact can be — on us, our partner, and the relationship itself.
Caring vs Caretaking: What's the Difference?
At first glance, caring and caretaking can look very similar. But when we scratch beneath the surface, the differences become clear — particularly when we tune into the feeling behind our actions.
Caring comes from a place of genuine compassion. It respects the other person's autonomy, offers support when it's welcomed, and strengthens the relationship through mutuality and healthy boundaries. It’s sustainable, empowering, and rooted in self-worth.
Caretaking, on the other hand, often comes from anxiety, fear, obligation, or a need for control. It can involve stepping in uninvited, assuming responsibility for the other person's emotions, and blurring boundaries. It tends to be draining, breeds resentment and dependence, and can ultimately stunt both people's growth.
When we’re caretaking, we’re often trying to soothe our own discomfort — whether that’s fear of conflict, fear of abandonment, or simply a feeling of unease when someone we love is struggling.
Where Caretaking Comes From
If you grew up in a family system marked by stress, chaos, or emotional unpredictability, caretaking may have been a necessary survival strategy. Perhaps you learned early that your role was to smooth things over, to keep the peace, to stabilise the environment.
Those instincts don't just vanish when we grow up. Without even realising it, we can carry that same energy into our adult relationships — rushing in to fix, buffer, or rescue, because it feels intolerable to witness someone else’s distress.
This becomes even more complex when attachment dynamics are involved. If you're more anxiously attached and your partner leans more avoidant, your instinct to draw closer and "help" can be met with withdrawal — exacerbating your anxiety and increasing your drive to caretake even further. It can feel like a vicious cycle: the more stressed they are, the more you step in; the more you step in, the more they pull away.
The Hidden Costs of Caretaking
While caretaking may be well-intentioned, it ultimately tends to backfire — for everyone involved.
For you, it can lead to chronic stress, resentment, and emotional exhaustion. You might find yourself feeling unappreciated, overburdened, or trapped in a dynamic where you're doing all the emotional heavy lifting.
For your partner, it can feel controlling, infantilising, or suffocating. Rather than feeling supported, they may feel undermined — as though you don't trust them to navigate their own challenges. Over time, your well-meaning attempts to help can actually deprive them of opportunities to grow, adapt, and build resilience.
And for the relationship itself, caretaking creates an imbalance that corrodes true intimacy. Relationships thrive on mutual respect and autonomy — not on one person over-functioning while the other under-functions.
Why Letting Go Is So Hard
Caretaking often serves an important emotional function: it can feel like an insurance policy against abandonment. The unspoken hope is, If I make myself indispensable, they won't leave me.
So pulling back from that role can feel terrifying at first. It requires tolerating discomfort — the discomfort of seeing someone struggle without rushing in, the discomfort of loosening your grip on control, the discomfort of trusting that things might not run smoothly (and that that's okay).
It's not about swinging to the other extreme and withdrawing all support. It's about finding a healthier middle ground — one that honours both your own needs and boundaries, and your partner’s capacity to manage their own.
Moving Toward Healthier Dynamics
Awareness is always the first step. Start by asking yourself:
What am I afraid would happen if I didn’t step in right now?
Am I acting from love, or from fear?
Is this truly about supporting them, or about soothing my own discomfort?
Then, experiment with giving a little more space. Let your partner experience their own stress, their own consequences, their own growth edges. Trust that they're capable — even if it's messy at times.Yes, it will feel uncomfortable at first. Yes, things might not be perfectly smooth. But that’s part of recalibrating to a healthier, more secure dynamic — one where both people are empowered, respected, and free.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Do you recognise a caretaking pattern in your relationships, and if so, where do you think it originates from in your own history?
When you feel compelled to step in and ‘fix’ things for others, what emotions or fears are driving that impulse?
How do you distinguish between genuine caring and caretaking behaviours in your relationships? Are there clear signs you can identify in yourself?
Reflect on a recent situation where you may have over-functioned or taken responsibility for something that wasn’t yours to carry. How did that impact you—and the other person involved?
What do you fear would happen if you didn’t step in to help or manage someone else’s distress? Is this fear based on past experiences?
How might your caretaking tendencies be affecting the growth or autonomy of those around you—whether in romantic relationships, family, or friendships?
Are there ways in which your need to be needed acts as insurance against rejection or abandonment? How does this show up for you?
In what areas of your life do you feel resentment building due to an imbalance in responsibility or emotional labour? What role have you played in perpetuating this dynamic?
How comfortable are you with letting others experience stress, discomfort, or negative outcomes? What comes up for you emotionally when you allow this to happen?
Imagine what a more balanced, mutual approach to care in your relationships could look like. What practical steps could you try to move towards this shift?
Feel free to spend time reflecting on any that resonate, and remember—self-compassion and honesty are key here.
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:28]:
In today's episode, we are talking about a very very common relationship dynamic, particularly for those with anxious attachment patterns, although not exclusively those with anxious attachment patterns, and that is the role of the caretaker. And more specifically, looking at how caretaking can create imbalance in our relationships and ultimately set us up for patterns and dynamics and relational environments that actually don't serve anyone involved. And yet, it's a really really easy one to fall into, particularly if you are someone who struggles with anxiety, if you tend to over function, if you tend to take responsibility for things that maybe are not within your control or are not actually your responsibility to be taking on. It's a really easy role to fall into, and it's certainly one that is an easy place for me to go, even now. It's part of my ongoing work to pull back on my instinct to over function and to try and buffer all of the stress in the relationship, in our environment. That's a big part of my work as well, so if what I'm about to share today resonates with you, know that you are not alone.
[00:01:44]:
It doesn't mean you're broken. It's just one of the many strategies that we've picked up along the way that no doubt makes sense in the context of our history, our past, and there is, as always, wisdom in these strategies. They've served a purpose for us, but we do also have to look at okay, what's it costing me to be in these kinds of dynamics? What's the impact that it's having on my relationship and myself, my own well-being? How does it impact the other person? Because I think there can certainly be a shadow or an underbelly side to caretaking, and how we can sort of shift towards something that's a little bit more balanced, a little bit more mutual, a little bit more reciprocal, which will undeniably serve the relationship in the long run. So gonna be sharing some thoughts about all of that today. Now before I do, some of you might have noticed that the podcast is a few days late this week. Hopefully most of you didn't notice, although now I've outed myself as being disorganized as always. Anyway, podcast is a few days late this week because I've been working on something very exciting, which is a brand new free training. If you follow me on Instagram or you're on my email list already, you might have seen me share about it, but it is a new, about seventy five minute free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love.
[00:03:02]:
It's a really comprehensive training. It's deep, it's vulnerable. I share quite a bit of my personal story, and I really, really encourage you if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment, go and check it out. As I said, it's completely free. Sign up. The link is in the show notes. It's also on my website, my Instagram. You can find it anywhere.
[00:03:22]:
But it's a really, really comprehensive training where I share not only my exact three part framework for healing anxious attachments, so really distilling down the importance of nervous system regulation, self soothing self regulation, subconscious belief reprogramming, and then secure relationship skills. I also talk about why it might feel like the work isn't working for you, so how to know if you can actually heal your anxious attachment, and why you might be feeling stuck if you've been doing all the right things but it doesn't seem to be moving the needle or you don't seem to be making the progress that you would like. And the final thing that I cover is how to know if it's just your anxious attachment, so to speak, or there's something really wrong in your relationship. There's something off in the relationship. There's some incompatibility. There's something that's going on with your partner that anyone would be responding in that way to, and I know that last one is a really, really common conundrum for people with anxious attachment. Asking that question of like, is it me or them? Am I crazy for feeling like this, or is this behavior really just not okay? So I share some thoughts on all of those things. As I said, it's a real deep dive.
[00:04:36]:
Over 500 people have already signed up for it in the last thirty six hours since I announced it, so there's been a lot of uptake, which is amazing, and getting some really great feedback. So definitely check it out if you're interested. How to heal your anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. Okay. So now that we've got that out of the way, let's talk about caretaking in relationships. So I was prompted to speak about this for this week's podcast following a post I did on Instagram where I compared caring behaviors and caretaking behaviors. And I think that it's important to distinguish what is caring versus what is caretaking, because I think a lot of us think of ourselves as caring, right? We think like, Yeah, I'm just being loving. I'm just being caring.
[00:05:20]:
I'm just being thoughtful. But if we dig a little, if we, like, peel back a layer or we agitate a little on the surface, we can see that, like, Okay, maybe this caring behavior of mine is crossing a line. And that's not to say that it's wrong or bad, it's not to say we have bad motives, but it's just to acknowledge, like, what is this really about? What is going on for me here? What purpose is this serving? And is it landing the way that I want it to, is there something more than meets the eye in all of these so called caring behaviors. And so I wanted to share that list that I wrote on Instagram to kind of frame the discussion here so we're all on the same page in terms of what we're talking about. So caring comes from a place of genuine care and compassion, respects and defers to the other person's autonomy, doesn't over identify with the other person's pain, asks how can I support you and respects their answer, maintains healthy boundaries, strengthens the relationship by fostering mutual care and respect, leaves space for the other person to grow, and is sustainable and rooted in self worth? Caretaking, on the other hand, comes from a place of anxiety, fear, obligation, or control much of the time. It undermines the other person's autonomy by insisting on helping or stepping in, feels responsible for the other person's emotions or outcomes, so there's that degree of enmeshment, presumes to know what the other person needs and takes over, blurs boundaries often at one's own expense, breeds resentment, dependence, and imbalance, prevents the other person's growth by rescuing and fixing, and is draining and often stems from a need to be needed. So hopefully you're starting to see in that that there is a different feeling tone, there is a different, maybe, underlying motivation to what we might call caretaking behaviors as compared with caring behaviors. And I think the common thread to all of that is, is there healthy separation between us? Is there healthy boundary in this relational space, or am I rushing over to your side of things and trying to make sure that you never have to experience pain, discomfort, stress, fear, all of those things, anxiety.
[00:07:38]:
And oftentimes, the the tail end of that is because I don't feel comfortable with you experiencing those things. I don't trust you to experience fear, stress, anxiety, pain, whatever. Either I don't trust you or it just doesn't feel safe to me for you to be going through that, and so I try and either buffer you from it or rescue you from it. I try and prevent you from ever having to feel that by overfunctioning and doing all of the things and taking care of all of your needs and making sure you never have to go through any of it, or if that does arise, I quickly rush in to try and take it away, make the pain go away because I can't bear it. It makes me feel so stressed, uncomfortable, abandoned, whatever it might be. And so looking a little at where that might come from, I think for a lot of us there can be a very old pattern here that might have arisen in a family system with a lot of stress, and oftentimes those of us who do fall into this caretaker role may have been in a family system where our role was to be the peacemaker, or to to care for other people. If there was someone or things going on that felt very tense, high stress, chaotic, dysregulated, dysfunctional, unpredictable, and the way that you learned to respond to that was to try and fix it and to try and stabilise, then there's a good chance that you've carried that through into some level of caretaking in your adult relationships. Again, this is a very familiar one for me because that was my role in the family system, is like the peacemaker or the mediator or the one who kind of goes around to everyone individually when there's been some sort of rupture and tries to restore peace and balance.
[00:09:18]:
And and certainly for me, even now, I have such a strong preference for there being no or minimal stress in the environment, and that feels like such a priority because I have really old wiring that says, like, stress and rupture ruins everything. Right? And so we can have so much compassion for these parts of us that that want to work so hard to either prevent that from happening or make it quickly go away when it feels like it might be happening. And if we can then look at the overlay of if you're anxious and you've got a more avoidant partner, we know that avoidant people, when they are experiencing those things, so when they're stressed, when they're anxious, when they're overwhelmed, whatever it might be, depressed, they tend to turn inward and pull away, withdraw. Whereas someone who's more anxious is likely to, at the very least, be open to communicating. They're unlikely to just totally withdraw and pull away. Someone who's more avoidant has learned to deal with stuff on their own, and can kind of lose all capacity or interest in connection when they're in that state. And so for you as the more anxious partner, when someone is turning their back on you, and if stress then takes on this additional thing of being associated with loss of connection, then that's going to up the ante in terms of its risk rating, for want of a better term, in your system. Right? If you then know that not only does stress just feel bad in my body and I feel like I'm a sponge for it, to the extent that someone else is stressed, I have learned from a very young age that, like, their stress is my stress, and their stress is threatening to me, and so I need to do something about it.
[00:11:00]:
In an adult romantic relationship, if you then have someone who who really does pull away in times of stress, and so you feel like I lose you when you're stressed, then of course it makes so much sense that you wouldn't want that to happen and you'd go above and beyond to not only be on high alert, but you'd maybe try and make sure that that doesn't happen, or if it does, that you quickly step in and make it all go away. So I'm assuming that some of you listening at least are nodding your head and going like, Yep, that's me. I do that. And maybe you are also aware of how exhausting it is, and how it does create these dynamics of imbalance and over functioning and being the buffer and being the sponge and feeling like so much is on your shoulders because you're just working so hard all the time. And maybe a lot of that's kind of covert, it's behind the scenes working, but you're doing that to try and make sure that we're never rocking the boat, that it's like smooth sailing all the time. And again, while we can have so much compassion for that, we also know what it costs us. And I think just as important as acknowledging what it costs us on the caretaking side, we also have to walk around to their side of things and go, what does it feel like for someone who is like an autonomous adult to have their partner treating them like an incompetent, incapable child. Right? That they need rescuing, that they're not able to deal with things on their own.
[00:12:29]:
And really this is where we see that overfunctioning enables and perpetuates underfunctioning. So one person does everything for the other, make sure no balls ever drop, make sure that they never have to experience stress, and you really end up depriving someone of the opportunity to grow because we know that it is through stress that we adapt and that we learn what we're capable of, and that's where we're really pushed to find solutions and all of those things. If someone if we're essentially wrapping someone in cotton wool all the time so that they never have to feel any stress, so that we never have to feel any stress by extension, we feel more in control, then we're ultimately depriving them of the opportunity to step up and live life and experience all of that, because it doesn't feel good to us, but that's not really fair. And it really does lead to these dynamics where we feel resentful, right? It's so easy to then go, Why do I have to be the one to blah blah blah? But if we're being honest, it's a self appointed role. It's very rare that someone asks you to do that. And I would say oftentimes, more avoidant people actively push against that and don't like that because they feel controlled, they feel infantilized, they feel like you're disrespecting them by not allowing them to figure things out on their own. And then I think that can be even more of a double whammy, because when someone then pushes back against that, you perceive it as they're being ungrateful because look at all that you're doing for them and they're not even thanking you, when really it's probably just not landing the way that you want it to. Because again, what we might think of as loving and caring and like, Look how much I'm doing for you, and isn't that just the loveliest thing? Someone might actually receive it as suffocating or patronising or any of those sorts of things.
[00:14:21]:
I think the other key piece that I'll say here, the other kind of branch off the tree in terms of what purpose this can be serving is almost the codependent thing of, like, if I can make them need me, then that serves as an insurance policy against my fear of rejection or abandonment. So if I can make myself so indispensable to this person, really make them rely on me, like, I am the linchpin that makes their life run smoothly, I make everything so much better and easier and more pleasant for them, then they're not gonna wanna leave me because their life would get so much harder if I wasn't there and doing all of those things all the time. So again, while we can look at it from one direction and say, like, wow, look how thoughtful and loving and considerate I'm being, looked at from another angle, if we're being totally honest with ourselves, we might acknowledge that there's that shadowy part of it that's almost a form of control or insurance against abandonment by making ourselves needed, making someone depend on us so that we feel like there's less likelihood that they could or would leave us. So what do we do with all of this? I think awareness is a really, really good first step as always. Noticing, like, what's really going on for me when I engage in these behaviors. A great question is, what am I afraid would happen if I didn't do this thing? Am I doing this to soothe some stress or discomfort or anxiety that's going on for me? Am I scared that if they get stressed, then something's going to happen, that they're gonna pull away, and then I'm gonna have to deal with their withdrawal? So I'm trying to prevent that from happening for my own sake. Getting clear on, like, what's this really about for me is a great first step, because that allows us to go, like, okay, this is what need it's meeting, and then we can start to look at what does something healthier look like, what does something more balanced look like. And the reality is, like, as always, as with all of these things, when we're shifting from a not so healthy old pattern into a healthier new pattern, the transition is not gonna be seamless, and it's generally not gonna be comfortable.
[00:16:28]:
Because those patterns are protective and they're soothing you in some way, so they are preventing your anxiety or they allow you to feel more in control when you're experiencing uncertainty. Pulling back and releasing the grip a little and not engaging in those over functioning responsibility taking, caretaking, rescuing, fixing behaviors, all of a sudden there's going to be space there. And that's probably going to feel very uncomfortable because you've always gone into this mode, and all of a sudden you have to pull back, and the energy like, your body's still going to generate all of that energy that's going to be mobilizing you into that response, so you're now going to have to learn to hold that. It's really an exercise in distress tolerance as so many of these things are. And so like noticing the discomfort, learning to hold the discomfort, and also particularly with something like this caretaking over functioning, recognizing that like if you've been going at 150% for a really long time and that's just been the norm in your relationship, that the balls might drop as you recalibrate, that things probably won't run as smoothly because you are shaking up a status quo where you've been doing more than you ever should have been, and that's okay. You might be saying, Yeah, but I have to do that because if I didn't, then everything would fall apart or all of these bad consequences would follow. And that's okay. Consequences are how we learn.
[00:17:54]:
And again, in depriving someone from experiencing consequences, then we're depriving them of learning lessons. Right? And so I think we do have to sort of just step back and let things unfold, and not be in there just working so hard to make sure that everything's perfect all the time, and there's never any cracks, and there's never anything going wrong. It's not sustainable. It's not reality. And it ultimately costs us and the other person and the relationship in the long run, because it ends up creating these very asymmetrical, one-sided dynamics that we then say, like, this is so unfair, and we harbor that resentment around. So I do think we need to take responsibility for the extent to which we are participating in and perpetuating those dynamics. And if it's not serving us, and I think in most cases it probably isn't if the goal is to have a secure, balanced, healthy relationship, then I think we have to recognize that there will be some discomfort, at least in the short to medium term, as we find our way to something that feels a little healthier. And I should say as well, I probably should have said this at the start, this is certainly not limited to romantic relationships.
[00:19:02]:
This is a pattern that's really easy to play out in families for sure. As I said, it often starts there, and so you'll often see it there. Potentially even in friendships as well, so it's if you're not in a relationship at the moment, you might still notice that. And I think some people know that they are that person in every area of life. They are the caretaker. They are the one who does everything for everyone all the time, and often at great cost. So I hope that this has been helpful. Obviously, there's a lot more that could be said on this topic because it really is just an application of or an expression of unhealthy boundaries.
[00:19:39]:
It's it's one of the places that that shows up. So there's so much more that I could say on this, but hopefully I've at least given you a bit of an orientation and something to think about in terms of, like, am I being caring? Am I being caretaking? Not to shame ourselves, not to be overly hard on ourselves, but just to be honest around, like, what's this really about for me? Is it serving me, and what might something a little healthier and more balanced look like? So that we can, as always, bring it back to what's within my control, what's within my responsibility, and start building some healthier relationship patterns that ultimately free up so much energy and bandwidth for us to actually be in our relationships from a place that isn't so bogged down in control and anxiety and resentment. Okay. Gonna leave it there. I really hope that this has been helpful. As I said, definitely sign up for the free training if you're someone who experiences anxious attachment and you'd like to dive in a little deeper with me. Definitely one to jump on, and I look forward to sharing it with so many of you hopefully. I'm really really delighted to have it out in the world after a lot of work putting it together, so I trust that you'll enjoy it. And that link is in the show notes, or you can find it on my website as well. Otherwise, thank you so much for joining me, and I look forward to seeing you again next week, and I promise I'll be on time. Thanks, guys.
[00:20:58]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, attachment styles, caretaker role, caretaking in relationships, caring behaviours, overfunctioning, codependency, relationship imbalance, healthy boundaries, resentment in relationships, nervous system regulation, self-soothing, self-regulation, subconscious belief reprogramming, secure relationship skills, avoidance in relationships, childhood family dynamics, peacemaker role, stress in relationships, autonomy in relationships, mutual care, reciprocal relationships, control in relationships, fear of abandonment, enmeshment, dependency, healing attachment wounds, relationship patterns, relationship imbalance, distress tolerance, personal growth in relationships
#184: Understanding the Power Struggle Stage of Relationships
Most relationships move through a phase where things start to feel harder than they used to. The spark has dimmed, tension is bubbling beneath the surface, and it feels like you’re constantly clashing or misfiring. This is what’s often called the power struggle stage — and while it can be incredibly challenging, it’s also a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.
Most relationships move through a phase where things start to feel harder than they used to. The spark has dimmed, tension is bubbling beneath the surface, and it feels like you’re constantly clashing or misfiring. This is what’s often called the power struggle stage — and while it can be incredibly challenging, it’s also a powerful opportunity for growth and deeper intimacy.
Navigating the Power Struggle Stage in Relationships
Most relationships, no matter how healthy or secure, will pass through a phase that feels markedly different to the romantic high of the honeymoon period. It’s called the power struggle stage—and if you’ve ever found yourself wondering what happened to the fun, ease, and excitement you once shared with your partner, chances are you’ve landed right in the thick of it.
This is the chapter where the rose-tinted glasses come off, where the traits you once found charming may now irritate you, and where cracks begin to form in the seemingly perfect connection you were so sure you’d found. It can be a confusing and painful transition—especially if you have an anxious or avoidant attachment style—so let’s unpack what this stage looks like, why it happens, and how to move through it with more grace and self-trust.
What is the Power Struggle Stage?
The power struggle stage typically follows the honeymoon period, that intoxicating early phase of a relationship where everything feels light, hopeful, and full of possibility. You’re swept up in the thrill of new love. You can’t get enough of one another. There’s minimal conflict, high chemistry, and a sense of invincibility. But eventually, reality sets in.
It’s not that anything is necessarily “wrong.” Instead, what begins to emerge is a more complex picture of who each person truly is—beyond the infatuation and idealisation. You might begin to feel more friction, disappointment, or emotional distance. You may find yourself wondering if the person you're with is as perfect a fit as you once thought.
In other words, you’re no longer dating the fantasy. You’re dating a real person.
What Triggers This Stage?
The transition often occurs as expectations start to enter the picture—when we begin asserting more of ourselves in the relationship. You might finally express a need that you were brushing off early on, or you may find yourself irritated by behaviours you previously ignored.
Interestingly, the very things that initially attracted you to your partner might start to grate. Their confidence may begin to feel like arrogance. Their spontaneity now reads as flakiness. This shift can feel jarring and, if you're not prepared for it, can trigger deep-seated fears and coping strategies, especially in anxious-avoidant dynamics.
How Attachment Styles Come Into Play
If you’re anxiously attached, this shift in energy can stir a deep fear that something is wrong—often turning inward as “What did I do wrong?” You may try to return things to how they were by becoming hyper-attuned to your partner, working overtime to reconnect, or slipping into people-pleasing and self-abandonment.
If you lean more avoidant, the shift may leave you feeling pressured, inadequate, or smothered. The initial ease and admiration from your partner might have helped soothe your own fears around not being good enough—but when they begin expressing dissatisfaction or asking for more, it can trigger withdrawal and a fear of being consumed.
These opposing reactions—one partner pulling closer, the other pulling away—often create a cycle of protest, pursuit, and retreat that feels impossible to break.
Is It Just a Phase — Or a Sign to Walk Away?
This is one of the most common questions I hear: “Is this normal, or is it a sign we’re not right for each other?”
While the power struggle is a natural and even necessary part of a maturing relationship, it’s important to discern whether what you’re experiencing is growing pains — or fundamental incompatibility.
If your partner refuses to engage in conversation, continually disrespects your boundaries, or disappears entirely, that’s not just a rough patch. That’s a signal that your needs and values may not be met in the relationship.
But if you're both still engaged — if you’re just getting on each other’s nerves more, having more disagreements, or experiencing a drop in closeness — that’s a very different picture. And there’s every chance you can grow through it together, provided there’s openness, willingness, and mutual respect.
How to Navigate the Power Struggle With Awareness
Here are a few practical and mindset-based tips to help you move through this phase with more steadiness and self-awareness:
1. Manage your expectations
Shifting from idealisation to reality doesn’t mean something is broken. It means you’re relating as two whole humans, rather than projections of one another’s fantasies. This isn’t a sign of failure—it’s a part of maturation.
2. Name what’s happening
You don’t need a heavy talk about “entering the power struggle stage,” but it can be helpful to say something like, “Hey, I feel like we’ve been getting on each other’s nerves more lately. Want to talk about it?” Neutrality opens doors.
3. Practice healthy differentiation
Resist the urge to merge. Especially for anxiously attached folks, it’s important to maintain some separateness. You’re allowed to have your own life, routines, and space. In fact, doing so makes the relationship stronger, not weaker.
4. Build your conflict skills
Conflict is inevitable. The real test is how you handle it. Can you stay connected through the rupture? Can you repair? Can you both feel seen and heard? This is where real intimacy is built.
5. Be discerning, not desperate
If the relationship is showing signs of emotional unavailability, disrespect, or serious incompatibilities—trust yourself. The power struggle stage doesn’t mean you should tolerate anything and everything. Know your non-negotiables.
Final Thoughts
The power struggle stage is not the end of love — it’s the beginning of what can be a transition into mature, lasting love. The kind that makes space for two messy, wonderful humans to co-create something grounded, lasting, and meaningful. With self-awareness, communication, and mutual care, this chapter doesn’t have to break you.
Questions for Discussion & Reflection
Reflect on a time when you transitioned from the honeymoon stage to the power struggle stage in a past or present relationship. How did you feel during this transition, and what did you learn about yourself and your partner?
How do you typically react when you notice friction or conflict emerging in your relationships? Are there specific patterns or behaviours you fall into, and how might these be tied to your attachment style?
Consider the idea that the power struggle stage can be seen as "growing pains." How does reframing it this way change your perception of conflicts and challenges in your relationship?
Evaluate your current or past relationships regarding the level of communication during the power struggle stage. Do you tend to openly discuss issues, or do you find it difficult to voice your needs and frustrations?
Reflect on the qualities that initially attracted you to your partner. Have any of these qualities become sources of irritation or conflict? How do you perceive these traits now, and what does that say about the evolution of your relationship?
When encountering the power struggle stage, do you feel the urge to fix things immediately, or are you more inclined to withdraw? How can you balance your instinctual responses with more constructive strategies?
Consider the concept of separateness within a relationship. Do you find it challenging to maintain your individuality, especially when you're feeling anxious about the relationship? How can you prioritise both connection and personal space?
Think about the role of expectation management in relationships. How have your expectations influenced your reactions to changes and challenges within your relationship?
Reflect on the idea that conflict management is crucial for relationship longevity. How can you and your partner work together to address conflicts in a way that strengthens your bond rather than drives you apart?
Have you ever experienced a "deal breaker" scenario in a relationship related to fundamental compatibility issues, as discussed in the episode? How did you handle it, and what insights did you gain from that experience?
You might also like…
Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
In today's episode, we are talking all about the power struggle stage of a relationship, which is a stage that pretty much every relationship will go through, and it can be really challenging. It's the stage that follows the honeymoon period, and that initial period where you're so swept up in the love and the lust and the excitement and the chemistry, that fresh love feeling where you want to spend every moment of every day with your partner, and they feel the same way, and everything feels hopeful and optimistic, and you might be having these thoughts and feelings like, this person's the one, and finally I've found someone, and it feels so great.' And then it transitions into something where there's a little more friction, where you start to rub each other the wrong way, where you start to feel annoyed or upset or disappointed. The fall from grace can be really jarring. And particularly if you've got more anxious avoidant dynamics at play, it can stir up a lot of core wounds on both sides and all of the self protective strategies that accompany those core wounds. And that's where we see a lot of the really typical anxious avoidant conflict cycles starting to bubble up, and we know how hard that can be, and it can feel like you get really stuck there. So today I'm going to be talking about that and sharing some tips for navigating the power struggle stage, some things that you should expect, some ways of approaching that both strategically and from a mindset point of view, because I think it's really easy to find yourself in that kind of dynamic of panic.
[00:02:10]:
Obviously, if you're more anxious, that's the inclination is, oh no, we've gone from being really connected to feeling disconnected or things feel a bit wobbly or hard, and that stirs within you this sense of 'something's wrong, maybe I've done something wrong, maybe I need to do things differently', and going into overdrive trying to fix it and get things back to the way they were. That's a really common experience. So, I want to share some things today that will hopefully help you to feel a little more prepared and grounded if you're in a relationship that does transition into this power struggle stage. And as I said, almost all relationships will experience some version of this, so that you can feel like it's not the end of the world. It doesn't mean that it's all over. It's almost just like growing pains as we find our way into something a little more steady and stable. So that's what we're going to be talking about today, and I'll also share some signs that it is just those growing pains, versus some signs of maybe it's not compatible, or maybe it's something to walk away from in case you're left wondering, should I be continuing to invest in this? Now before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. Just a reminder about some of the free resources that I have on my website.
[00:03:22]:
I know a lot of you have been signing up for the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit over the past few weeks, which is really great because that is a wonderful resource for anyone who hasn't signed up for that yet or who's interested. You can head to my website there's a freebies page on my website that has all of the free resources listed, or it's also linked in the show notes. But the Anxious Attachment Starter Kit in particular is a really comprehensive resource. It has a video lesson about how I healed my own anxious attachment, there's a workbook, and there's also a guided meditation which is self soothing affirmations for anxious attachment. In addition to that, I have a free master class on anxious avoidant relationships, where anxious avoidant couples go wrong, and how to fix it. Again, that's a really comprehensive resource if you're in this kind of dynamic and what we talk about today, if that resonates with you, that might be one to check out because it's going to help you see the pattern in a more neutral way so that you can identify 'what's my part in this dance', 'where am I contributing to maybe the unhealthy or dysfunctional patterns that we find ourselves stuck in', and what should I be focusing on to start cleaning up my side of the street so that we can start to shift out of some of these patterns. As you know, if you're familiar with my work, I am an optimist when it comes to these dynamics. I don't think it's doomed.
[00:04:36]:
I don't think that you should just give up and throw in the towel and go and find a secure partner. You're welcome to try and do that, but I do think that there's hope provided that certain conditions are met and both people have a base level of willingness and open heartedness. Okay, so let's talk about the power struggle stage of a relationship. Now, as I said in the introduction, this typically follows the honeymoon period, and I know that people will always ask, what time period are we talking about? Are we talking about after a month, or a year? And to be honest, it's a little nebulous. I think it depends a lot on the circumstances and the pace at which your relationship has progressed. So for some people, they might stay in a honeymoon period for a year or two years even. I mean, I think two years would be a long time to be in the honeymoon period. For others it might be a month.
[00:05:23]:
And the reason for that is, it's much less about a period of time and more about the backdrop to the relationship. And I think that when we're in the honeymoon period, it's usually characterized by lots of excitement and optimism and time spent together, but with relatively low pressure and expectation. And I think when we're in that honeymoon period, we probably haven't really voiced many needs. We maybe haven't gone through hard things together. We're really on cloud nine, and it all just feels light and fun and connected and exciting. And so the power struggle stage tends to arise and we tend to find ourselves transitioning into it when maybe we start to have more expectations of a partner, maybe we start to assert more of ourselves, maybe we start to be a little more honest about our needs or our preferences. Again, in that honeymoon period, we tend to be really like, 'go with the flow', and we give someone the benefit of the doubt, and we don't want to be too serious, So we kind of park all of that stuff, whereas in the power struggle stage, we start to occupy a little more space, and we do have more expectations of a partner. And so what we might have originally brushed off or not been bothered by, we start to think we're in a proper relationship now and we should be able to talk about this, or I should be able to tell you that thing annoyed me, or when you showed up ten minutes late, actually I'm not okay with that, whereas at the start you might have been a little bit more flexible or easy breezy or whatever because you didn't want to be too serious or bring down the vibe.
[00:07:02]:
And so all of these things start to come up in the power struggle stage. Another really common signifier that you're in this stage is that things that you originally were attracted to start to grate on you, or you start to find annoying. And that can be because often at the very start of a relationship, whether we realize it or not, we're drawn to traits and qualities in someone that are very different to us, that are the opposite of us. So you might be really drawn to someone's exuberance or confidence, and that might be really intriguing to you, and you find yourself quite magnetized towards that quality. But as you transition into the power struggle stage, what you originally interpreted and perceived as confidence, you might start to read that as arrogance, and it might really trigger you. Similarly, you might be really drawn to someone's free spirited nature at the start, and you think that's just so amazing that they're so free spirited. But in the power struggle stage, you start to see that free spiritedness as flaky and unreliable, right? And oftentimes it's because they are different to you, so you might be drawn to the free spiritedness of someone from a place of being quite rigid yourself. And so that feels like, Wow, look at this creature who's so different to me.
[00:08:21]:
But then when you're in the power struggle stage and the veneer has worn off a little, you're like, oh, this person's so different to me. And I'm starting to see that I do have to compromise on those things and that can bring up some friction and some irritation. So those are some of the signs that you might be venturing into this power struggle territory that you're starting to have little conflicts, you're starting to get annoyed with each other, you may be communicating less, there's maybe less physical affection, maybe less sexual intimacy, that can be a really big one. That, you know, if you can't keep your hands off each other at the start, and you have this really passionate sex life, and then it starts to give way to something that feels a little less steamy and a little more routine. All of these can be signs that you're in that power struggle stage. Now, as you're listening to this, you might be nodding in recognition, knowing that you've been in that power struggle experience before. Maybe you're in it right now. And I think what makes this all the more challenging is if you are coming from anxious avoidant attachment dynamics, you would know, particularly on the anxious attachment side, that anything that feels like less connection, less closeness, less warmth, less fun, less affection, right, like anything that feels like a step down is going to be super triggering, because it's going to bring you into contact with your abandonment fears, your fear of rejection, your unworthiness, this sense of, they liked me, and now they like me less, so what have I done? Why are they annoyed at me? Why are we fighting? How do I get back to where we were?' And I think when you don't have the context for this, you don't know that the power struggle stage is actually completely normal, it's really easy to internalize everything that's going on, take it very personally, feel very hurt, very confused, very rejected.
[00:10:13]:
And that can then trigger all of your behaviors. Things like testing and maybe sulking or really shrinking and trying to occupy less space. Do whatever you can tiptoe around it because you you are taking on this sense of having done something wrong, that you start shape shifting and just, like, trying to be whatever you need to be in order to get things back to where they were. Because that tends not to happen, we don't tend to go back into the honeymoon period from the power struggle stage, relationships move forward, they evolve, they mature, you feel this sense of failure and wrongness, like, why isn't it working? I don't know what I'm doing wrong here. And so that tends to really fuel your anxious loops, and that cycle of shame that you can get stuck in, where the core belief that's like, I must be doing something wrong, people always leave me, this always happens, I can feel it, they're pulling away. That then triggers all of your behaviors that can actually bring to fruition the thing you fear most. Right? The pushing and the clinging and the anxious bids for reassurance all the time can trigger them into further withdrawal or further feeling unsure about the relationship, particularly if they're coming from the more avoidant side. And let's talk about that.
[00:11:32]:
So the avoidant side, for you in the power struggle stage as an anxious person, you're being brought into contact with those fears around, 'They're going to leave me, they don't like me anymore, maybe I revealed too much of myself and they didn't like what they saw.' For the avoidant person, remembering that their stuff, their core wounds, are around feeling inadequate, feeling like a disappointment, really wanting to be seen as good and successful, but feeling like people always want more from me than I can give them. I always end up disappointing people. And then the whole set of fears around feeling smothered, feeling controlled, or loss of self. And so, while at the beginning of a relationship, someone with more avoidant patterns isn't really triggered in those ways, because it is, you know, light and fun and connected, and their partner tends to think the world of them and they can do no wrong. Anxious partners tend to really put avoidant partners on a pedestal at the start, and vice versa I would say. But certainly, for an anxious partner who just thinks that the avoidant person they're dating is so amazing and is so infatuated, that feels so good for someone with avoidant attachment who does have these fears around being unsuccessful, being a disappointment, being inadequate or a failure. And so when the anxious partner starts to come up with more things of, like, you know, you you've let me down, or I'm not satisfied, or you're not meeting my needs, or all of a sudden starting to assert more of these things that they might have been letting slide to begin with, that can really hurt for the avoidant partner. They can start to go, you know, what changed here? You were happy with me and now you're upset with me all the time.' And that can really trigger their patterns of deactivation and withdrawal.
[00:13:24]:
Once the anxious partner responds to that with all of the behaviors I was just talking about, all of those activating strategies of, I have to try and reverse this, or get closer, or see what's going on, get reassurance, then that tends to trigger the avoidant partner's fear of engulfment, of being smothered, of being controlled, and that contributes to this overall impression for the avoidant partner of 'things were good, and now they're too hard', or this is feeling not good anymore'. Particularly if the avoidant person in this example is maybe lacking a little in self awareness, it's really easy for them to convince themselves that maybe this just isn't the right person. And then that can lead them into all of their withdrawal, pulling away, and potentially even leaving the relationship. So that is one of the real challenges of an anxious avoidant dynamic in this power struggle stage, is it serves up on a platter all of your stuff on both sides, and it can be really triggering. And so if it's not handled with a level of awareness and strategy, I would say. Not in the sense of game playing, but more in terms of knowing yourself and dealing with it in an informed way. It's really easy to just follow those cycles into a place of either the relationship dissolving because the anxious partner ramps up, the avoidant partner pulls away, and ultimately isn't invested enough to stick around, and so pulls the pin and walks away. The anxious person is left feeling abandoned and rejected and confused about what they did wrong.
[00:14:58]:
Or you stay in it, but you keep swirling around, and this power struggle stage, while it's certainly possible to then transition into something more steady and stable, a lot of people stay in some version of the power struggle for months and years. Some people will have a whole lifetime, a marriage of thirty years, that is just the power struggle stage. So depending on the nature of the people involved, some people will stay in it, others will pull the pin and it will unravel. So, let's talk about some strategies for actually getting through the power struggle stage to the other side, how to approach it in the best way possible. So, one of the most important things, and it sounds very simple, but I promise it can make a world of difference, is managing your expectations. Because I think so much of what triggers that cycle, and that spiral, particularly on the anxious side, and to an extent on the avoidant side as well, is thinking, because I'm feeling this way, something must be very wrong. Because all of a sudden things have shifted, that means something, that's a sign that there's something wrong with me or them or the relationship. And so I think if we're going into it being like, oh, this is a normal part of the maturation process of a relationship, it makes sense that the infatuation and the idealization has given way to something where I'm actually seeing my partner as a messy human being, and they have traits that I really like and traits that kind of grate on me, and that is fine, and they're going to see me in the same way, and I'm allowed to be a flawed person, as are they.
[00:16:29]:
Having that actually realistic expectation around what it means to be in a relationship with a whole person, where you're both bringing your stuff to the table, that can, in and of itself, that small shift in mindset and expectation can really change your internal environment in terms of how you relate to that transition and the fact that you're in that. If you think it's just a normal part of the process of being in a relationship, then it's unlikely to provoke the same stress response in you that sets off the cascade. So realizing this is not in and of itself some big emergency, something that I need to try and reverse engineer or undo or backpedal around, this is a normal part of growth. And these are growing pains and things that we can work through rather than things that we need to urgently get rid of, because that sense of urgency and emergency is what can really make things a lot worse and actually entrench you in those dysfunctional patterns. Now, I think another really helpful thing to do can be to name it, and not from a place of, we need to sit down and have a really serious conversation about the fact that we have now entered the power struggles stage, right? But what you can do is just say, Hey, I feel like we're getting on each other's nerves a bit at the moment. Do you want to talk about it? I think you can just be open without being really heavy or accusatory or blaming, and you certainly don't need to be defensive. Again, I think when we're internalizing a shift as being our fault and something we've done wrong, we're naturally more prone to defensiveness because we want to push away the idea that we've done something wrong. So I think if we can just be somewhat neutral about it, then that's going to stand us in really good stead to have a conversation where we can actually go, like, okay, if there are things that feel sticky and that we're maybe not resolving in a very constructive way.
[00:18:28]:
Let's talk about that. Let's find a solution. You seem to be getting a bit annoyed at me for x y z things, and I'm feeling a little frustrated with you when this happens. Like, why don't we just find a path forward that works for both of us so that we can both be feeling good? I think that's a really, really positive way of framing it and actually allows you to grow through the experience as a couple and gives you the opportunity to work through conflict, which is such an essential relationship skill, and actually is going to make you so much stronger than if you just never had the conflict and you stayed in honeymoon land forever, because that's not real life. And I always say to people, it's not about avoiding conflict, it's 'who are you going to do conflict with well?' that's a much better litmus test for whether a relationship is going to go the distance. It's do we band together when things get hard, or does conflict drive us apart? So, see this as training ground, right? As an opportunity for you to deepen in your understanding of one another, your understanding of yourself and your own patterns, and what it means to compromise in a healthy way that isn't self abandonment, that isn't rigidity, that's actually finding a balanced path forward that feels good for both people and being able to talk about that in a healthy way. I think another thing to be mindful of, and again, this is probably speaking more to the anxious attaches, is it's okay to have a bit more separateness as you transition into this power struggle stage, because your preference is likely to be as much contact and connection and closeness as humanly possible, and sometimes in the honeymoon period your partner will meet you in that desire, and so you'll be texting all day every day, and you'll be seeing each other every night or four times a week or whatever. You'll be having sleepovers and long mornings in bed or whatever, and then they start to pull away and that starts to feel like too much, and you go, like, but you wanted that as well, and now you're saying it's too much, and that can feel a bit confusing, and maybe there's been a bait and switch.
[00:20:37]:
Just recognize that level of intensity is probably unsustainable. So it's not like you've done something wrong, it's not like they've been misleading in a deliberate way, it's just that starting at 100% intensity and maintaining 100% intensity for an entire relationship is not really going to happen. Right? And so I think that again, it's about calibrating our expectations to something that's, 'If this is going to last the distance, I can survive with not texting them all day every day while I'm at work and they're at work, and not feeling like there's some sudden void from that change in pace and change of intensity. And this is why I really emphasize so much that from the outset, if you can, try to go at a reasonable pace. Right? Don't go to a hundred and then be really upset and confused when things pull back a little because they just will because it's not sustainable. Try and hold on to your routines, try and maintain catching up with other people, not just clearing the calendar to be completely available to them all the time, and then feeling hurt and rejected. Still be your own person, and I think the power struggle stage is a really good time to actually practice that because your instinct is probably going to be, 'as soon as things feel hard, I'm going to go even more all in on trying to fix the relationship, and being preoccupied with the relationship, thinking about it all the time, wanting to be available at all hours for my partner in case they want to hang out with me. All of those things are expressions of your anxiety, and they're also going to exacerbate your anxiety.
[00:22:13]:
Trying to remain differentiated in that period is going to ultimately provide a more solid foundation for your relationship that will allow you to come to those conversations that you might be having from a more grounded, self assured place, self confident place, and also to feel like my whole world isn't going to come crashing down if this relationship ends, because there's more going on in my world than just this relationship. And that's really good advice always for anxiously attached people. And the last thing that I said that I would talk about is, well, how do I know if, you know, it's actually just incompatibility that has been revealed, if it's actually better to just pull the pin and cut my losses and walk away because all of a sudden things are not feeling good. And that's always a possibility, right? I don't want to tell you that every relationship issue should be worked through, and that every couple is destined to be together. Of course, that isn't the case. So I think ultimately it's going to be subjective, and only you can make that call I know that's not what you want to hear. But things that I would look for: if someone is completely unwilling to talk about anything, that's going to be hard to work with. Obviously, if only one person is open to even having conversations about things that might not be feeling good, it's really hard to build something with someone who is a bit of a brick wall and who's shutting you out altogether.
[00:23:30]:
If someone is cutting communication with you, if someone's just disappearing all of a sudden, you've gone from spending all this time together to essentially being ghosted, That is not, to me, something that I'd be encouraging you to necessarily continue to pour more investment into. You know, what I'm really talking about in this power struggle stage is, like, we're both still in this, but things are feeling harder, things are feeling more challenging, there is friction, there is tension where previously there wasn't, and that is triggering for you. If someone's just, like, really behaving badly in a way that feels disrespectful and wildly inconsistent, unreliable, and you're left completely in the dark, that's not really what I'm talking about here. And that's where I would really encourage you to get clear on, what are my deal breakers? What are my non negotiables? What am I available for in a relationship?' And if it's falling way short of those that you've set for yourself, which I hope that you have set for yourself, then feel free to just say this isn't for me', rather than trying to problem solve and workshop with someone who's just not treating you well. And the other thing I'll say is, if it is revealed in time that you have structural incompatibilities around things like one of you wants kids the other doesn't, one of you wants to get married the other doesn't, you want to live in separate places, all of those sorts of things that are kind of binary, As I've said many times before, those are deal breakers. And it's okay for them to be deal breakers if they are deal breakers for you. Right? Back yourself in wanting what you want for your life, and even if you're really attached to someone, if they have a fundamentally different vision for their life, and you're both clear on that, and it is black and white, then I think the earlier you can disentangle yourself and detach from that, the better. Because otherwise you're going to be causing yourself some heartbreak down the line if it's ultimately a dead end relationship.
[00:25:21]:
Okay. I'm going to leave it there. I really hope that it's been helpful. I hope that it's given you a bit of relief if you are in this phase at the moment and you're wondering what the hell is going on, what have I done? Hopefully you can feel comforted by the fact that it is not just you. It's really really common, it's almost a rite of passage for couples, but there are certainly things that you can do and not do that will help you to move through that phase in a way that feels like a growing together rather than just spinning around in dysfunction and chaos and painful conflict cycles which never end and which leave you both feeling much worse off. So hope that it's been helpful. If you've enjoyed today's episode, I really would be so grateful if you would leave a rating or a review if you're watching on YouTube. Leave a comment there, let me know. But otherwise, I look forward to seeing you again next week. Thanks, guys.
[00:26:12]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you wanna go deeper on all things attachment, love, and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com. And if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a 5 star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here, and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
Power struggle stage, Honeymoon period, Relationship dynamics, Anxious avoidant, Core wounds, Insecurity, Conflict cycles, Growing pains, Disconnected feelings, Anxious attachment, Avoidant attachment, Relationship change, Expectations in relationships, Communication in relationships, Emotional triggers, Relationship maturity, Attachment patterns, Conflict resolution, Self-awareness, Relationship compatibility, Relationship investment, Intimacy changes, Attachment strategy, Differentiation in relationships, Emotional grounding, Relationship intensity, Conflict skills, Deal breakers, Emotional reassurance, Partner expectations