#218: Why You're Attracted to Unavailable People
If you’ve ever found yourself drawn—almost magnetically—to partners who are inconsistent, hot-and-cold, evasive, or allergic to emotional intimacy, you’re far from alone. So many people find themselves repeatedly entering relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, even though those dynamics leave them feeling anxious, activated, and constantly questioning where they stand. And yet, as much as we can intellectually insist I don’t want this, some deeper part of us continues choosing it. Let’s dig into five major reasons you may be repeating this cycle.
If you’ve ever found yourself drawn—almost magnetically—to partners who are inconsistent, hot-and-cold, evasive, or allergic to emotional intimacy, you’re far from alone. So many people find themselves repeatedly entering relationships with emotionally unavailable partners, even though those dynamics leave them feeling anxious, activated, and constantly questioning where they stand.
And yet, as much as we can intellectually insist I don’t want this, some deeper part of us continues choosing it.
That’s what today’s post is about: the subconscious forces that pull us toward emotional unavailability, even when the conscious mind swears we want something different.
Instead of asking, “Why do I keep attracting these people?”, it’s far more empowering—and far more accurate—to ask:
“What is it within me that feels drawn to them?”
Understanding this shift gives you back your agency. It lets you see the pattern clearly instead of feeling victimized by it. And it opens the door to choosing differently.
Let’s dig into five major reasons you may be repeating this cycle.
1. You Struggle With Low Self-Worth—and “Earning Love” Feels Familiar
If you grew up internalizing the belief that love must be earned—by being pleasing, high-achieving, accommodating, self-sacrificing, or “easy”—you may unconsciously gravitate toward partners who withhold love or affection.
Why?
Because winning over someone who isn’t fully choosing you can feel like proof of your worth.
This doesn’t mean you want to suffer.
It means your nervous system is familiar with the pattern of:
working hard for love
performing to be chosen
proving yourself worthy
interpreting inconsistency as a challenge to overcome
And when something feels familiar—even if painful—your system labels it as “safe.”
This is how an underfunctioning or withholding partner becomes unintentionally attractive: your subconscious believes that if you can finally win them over, you’ll finally feel good enough.
2. Your Childhood Template Was Inconsistent or Unpredictable
For many people with anxious attachment patterns, their early environment included some version of:
emotional unpredictability
inconsistency in caregiving
a parent who was attuned sometimes and unavailable at other times
chaos, withdrawal, or emotional volatility
This primes your nervous system to feel activated—and often most alive—in relationships where you don’t know where you stand.
The template becomes:
“I feel closeness, then distance. I panic, then I work harder to bring them back. This is what love feels like.”
And because your system never learned to feel safe in calm, steady connection, emotional unavailability can feel weirdly… right.
Not because it’s healthy—but because it’s familiar.
We don’t chase what’s good for us.
We chase what we recognize.
3. You Have a Saviour Complex (or a High Tolerance for “Potential”)
If you’re someone who is deeply empathetic, sensitive, intuitive, and emotionally attuned, you might see into someone more clearly than they see into themselves.
You may find yourself thinking:
“I see their wounds.”
“I understand why they are the way they are.”
“If I love them enough, they’ll eventually open up.”
“I can make them feel safe enough to change.”
This makes you vulnerable to relationships built on potential rather than reality.
There’s nothing wrong with believing in someone.
The problem emerges when:
you ignore the present in favor of the fantasy
you become responsible for their healing
you hope your love will redeem them
you emotionally over-function while they under-function
you cling to crumbs because they hint at what could be
Sometimes, the “saviour” dynamic is just codependency wearing a noble costume.
4. Intermittent Reinforcement Is Neurochemically Addictive
This one is big.
Emotional unavailability creates a pattern of intermittent reinforcement—where affection, connection, and responsiveness come unpredictably. Some days they’re all in. Other days they disappear or withdraw.
This is the same psychological mechanism behind gambling and social media addiction.
Your body becomes hooked on:
anticipation
adrenaline
anxiety
the dopamine spike when they finally respond
A stable, consistent, emotionally available partner doesn’t create that chemical rollercoaster—and therefore might feel less intense, even though the connection is far healthier.
Sometimes what we call “chemistry” is actually our nervous system being in survival mode.
5. You May Be Emotionally Unavailable Too
This reason can be confronting—but it’s also liberating.
Most people imagine emotional unavailability as avoidant, aloof, commitment-phobic behavior. But anxious attachment also contains its own form of emotional unavailability.
You might:
struggle to sit with your own emotions
rely heavily on others to regulate your internal state
fear vulnerability unless you’re in control
ruminate about feelings without truly feeling them
over-focus on others while being disconnected from yourself
panic when someone gets too close too consistently
Many anxiously attached protest behaviors—people-pleasing, chasing, clinging, overcommunicating, catastrophizing—are actually defenses against true emotional presence.
So while you may desperately crave closeness, the kind of closeness a truly available partner offers might feel overwhelming or even frightening.
Sometimes we chase the unavailable because it allows us to avoid the intimacy we aren’t ready for ourselves.
The Takeaway: This Pattern Isn’t Your Destiny
If these insights feel confronting, remember:
This isn’t about blame.
It’s about empowerment.
Seeing your role in the pattern isn’t about shaming yourself—it’s about reclaiming your agency.
When you understand:
what draws you in
what feels familiar
what need is being met
what fear is being avoided
what wound is being reenacted
…you can finally choose something different.
You don’t have to stay in relationships that trigger your nervous system, reinforce your wounds, or keep you small.
You can unlearn these patterns.
You can build self-worth.
You can create inner safety.
You can choose people who choose you.
It takes intentional work—but it’s absolutely possible.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about why it is that you might find yourself attracted to or attracting, and we'll talk about that distinction, emotionally unavailable partners. So for a lot of people, you will relate to this experience of finding yourself time and time again in dynamics that have a similar look and feel to them with partners who are sometimes there, sometimes not. Maybe they open up a bit and then they pull away and you find yourself so attracted to and attached to these people, notwithstanding the fact that those dynamics can also drive you crazy and leave you feeling really triggered, really activated and really anxious. And yet, as much as we can consciously, cognitively say we don't want that, there's a part of us that obviously does want that, or at least feels comfortable or safe in that because we keep coming up against it. Now, I've covered aspects of this before on the podcast. If you go Back to episode 204 on why you keep repeating the same relationship patterns, aspects of that will be covered today.
[00:01:11]:
But I want to really dig into specifically five reasons why it is that you might be drawn to emotionally unavailable people, even though that's the opposite of what you say you want. And of course there can be some frustration in that when we keep experiencing things that feel so counter to what we desire. And yet, of course, that is so much of this work is understanding the subconscious drivers of our relationship patterns, our behaviours, our choices, the people that we are attracted to. And as you may have heard me say before, whenever people come to me and say, I don't know why I keep attracting these kinds of people, I'm always very quick to redirect the question inwards and get people to reflect on what is it within me that is drawn to those people and those dynamics. Because of course it does take two to tango. And it's one thing if it's just a one off, an isolated event. But having worked with thousands of people on this, it's very rare that our relationship patterns are isolated events. Of course that's why they're patterns.
[00:02:19]:
And I think we have to really get honest and curious and own our role in that, even when, as I said, it's not what we say we want. So that's what we're going to be talking about today. Some of the pieces that may be going on underneath the surface for us that are driving these ongoing dynamics in our relationships and within ourselves. And the point of all of this is not to shift blame or to shame anyone or to make you feel bad about yourself or to make you feel defeated or deflated or hopeless. It's actually the opposite, because the storey of why does this keep happening to me is a really disempowering one. It's one that doesn't really facilitate change because there's no agency in that storey. Whereas when we can look in really concrete ways at like, oh yeah, this actually makes sense that I feel comfortable with those types of people, or that some part of me is drawn to that, then we can start understanding why. What need is that meeting? What purpose is that serving? What does that allow us to feel or avoid feeling? And we can find healthier ways to get those needs met or tend to those underlying pieces within us so that we don't have to continue swirling around in dysfunctional or unhealthy dynamics that are ultimately not in service of what we truly desire for ourselves.
[00:03:38]:
So that that's what we're going to be talking about today. Before we get into today's episode, a couple of quick announcements. The first being you may have heard me share last week that my Secure Self Challenge is coming back in January. For those who aren't familiar, the Secure Self Challenge is a 28 day challenge all about building self worth. Unlike my courses which are a bit more meaty and content heavy, the challenge is designed to be really doable. I'm actually completely overhauling it and creating all of the materials from scratch for this next round and shifting to short daily lessons. Previously we had a weekly lesson but this time it's going to be like bite sized three to five minute daily audio lessons across four themes, the four pillars of self worth which is really central to what I teach and all of that takes place inside a pop up community. There's a couple of live calls, but the community space itself is always a really great atmosphere, a really positive vibe and lots of people connecting and sharing and cheering each other on.
[00:04:41]:
So if you know that your self worth is an area where you could use a little support and in the new year I think it's always a really nice time to clarify those intentions and be really deliberate about what we're working towards. The Secure Self Challenge kicking off in the second week of January could be a really beautiful container for you to do that and I would love to have you so you can sign up to that via my website. The link is in the show notes and yeah, I would really love to see you there. Second quick announcement is just to remind you that I have a bunch of free resources as well on my website. I realise not everyone is willing or able to invest financially in this kind of support. And that for some that is a luxury. So if that's you, just a reminder that I have a bunch of free resources, free trainings, workshops, meditations, downloads, all of the things that you can find for free on my website. So head to stephanierigg.com to cheque that out if you would like.
[00:05:37]:
Okay, so let's talk about emotional unavailability and why you might be drawn to people exhibit these traits of emotional unavailability. Now, it's probably useful to, at the outset, frame what I mean when I talk about emotional unavailability because I think it is one of those terms that gets tossed around a lot and it's sort of assumed that everyone knows what everyone's talking about when I suspect that isn't really the case because it's not like it's a prescribed term that has some sort of clear dictionary definition. When I talk about emotional unavailability, and certainly for the context of today's discussion, what I'm really talking about is someone who doesn't have the capacity or the willing willingness to show up to a relationship in a way that would allow that relationship to work towards a secure place. So someone who struggles to be vulnerable, who struggles to be honest, who struggles to take responsibility, who maybe lacks the emotional maturity to stay in difficult moments, someone who's maybe a bit of a commitment phobe, but is also maybe not willing to have those conversations, someone who's quite evasive, all of those traits that I think a lot of us will be familiar with, someone who's very, very conflict averse and pulls away from conflict, withdraws. And some of you might be kind of listening to that list and seeing some overlap with avoidant attachment patterns. And certainly I think in the Venn diagram there, there would be overlap for a lot of people with avoidant attachment patterns, although certainly not all. But as we'll talk about today, it's certainly not the exclusive domain of avoidant attachment to be emotionally unavailable. But that's sort of just to give you a bit of a, of what we're talking about here.
[00:07:20]:
When we talk about emotional unavailability. It's that idea of you can't quite reach someone. There's inconsistency, there's a lack of clarity, there's a lack of directness, there's a lack of openness and honesty. And all of that contributes to an overall relationship environment that lacks that sense of trust, steadiness, reliability, a felt sense of like I feel safe here. I know where I stand. I know that I'm valued and I don't have to be playing games or be bracing for something to change or to happen because this feels like a really steady ground to be standing on. So let's get into some of the reasons why you might be drawn to that. Even though I'm sure in hearing that list most people would say like, yeah, no, I don't want that, that's what causes me pain.
[00:08:10]:
Right? Those dynamics are where I suffer. So the first reason that you might be drawn to emotionally unavailable people is that you may struggle with low self esteem and low self worth. And when you struggle with low self esteem and low self worth, it is often the case that proving yourself and earning love or working hard for it or performing or over giving, over functioning, all of those things feel natural and normal to you, that that's just what you know to do in relationships. And so being with someone who withholds or who is highly conditional or who is not particularly generous with their feelings or doesn't express that, that can feel very familiar at the same time as it feels painful. And if that's what we know to do, trying to interpret someone's behaviour, trying to analyse what gets the best response out of them, then that kind of dynamic can feel very comfortable for us, even though it causes us so much anxiety. So if you do have that unworthiness piece, not really feeling good enough, and maybe feel undeserving of someone who fully chooses you, it's almost like we can gravitate towards the person who doesn't fully choose us. And whether we realise it or not, we can have this storey running that getting them to choose us would be the ultimate victory. Right? I've spoken about this before and certainly it was part of my relationship pattern before I did a lot of this work was like, if I can prove myself to them, if I can get them to love me, then I'll feel good about myself with which would be very redeeming for my own sense of low self esteem and low self worth.
[00:09:59]:
So that can be one piece that draws you towards emotionally unavailable people or at least causes you. Once in a relationship or in a connection with someone like that, you may not register their hot and coldness or their withholding of affection or their uncertainty about you. You may not register that as a problem in the sense of a deal breaker or something make you rethink the relationship. You register it instead as like a challenge accepted kind of moment where you dig deeper or try and get closer or try and make them change their mind about you. If they're sitting on the fence, you just want to pull them closer to you, rather than stepping back and going like, well, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, or I don't want to be with someone where I'm feeling anxious all the time. If that's all we've ever known, someone not fully being there for us, or fully showing up or really celebrating us, then that can feel very familiar and not necessarily a problem. Now, related to that, the second reason, if you are someone who grew up in a family system where inconsistency or unreliability or unpredictability were a feature, then emotional unavailability really sits neatly with that kind of template. And it will likely again feel very familiar to your nervous system to be in that mode of anticipatory anxiety of, even if things are good, I'm waiting for them to be bad, and when they're bad, I'm going to work really hard to make them be good again.
[00:11:35]:
And so that idea of being in a heightened state of stress, anxiety, mobilisation in our nervous system, for most of us with anxious attachment patterns, that's just par for the course. That's like a really key piece in our relational blueprint. And as I've spoken about, about before, this doesn't have to mean that you have a really traumatic family system or you had a really dreadful childhood with a lot of challenges. I mean, for some people that will be there and have more obvious expressions, like, for example, one or both parents who struggled with addiction or other big mental health challenges that really took them away from being able to attune to you and show up for you. And that made the home environment very chaotic. But for a lot of us, us, those feelings might be more subtle. It's just a sense of sometimes my caregivers are really attuned and present and other times I can't reach them. And so I feel a lot of separation anxiety, I feel a lot of stress and I'm very oriented towards trying to control the environment so that I don't have to sit with these bad feelings, because I don't know how to hold those bad feelings.
[00:12:48]:
I've never really been taught how to stay with myself through difficult emotions. And so I pour a whole lot of energy into trying to make sure that I have to experience them at all. And for a lot of people with anxious attachment patterns, that takes the form of trying to control other people and trying to preempt other people's needs and take care of everyone else's needs, doing all of that so that we don't have to feel bad because we feel so affected by other people. Now if all of that is part of your storey in one form or another, and as I said, it can take a lot of different shapes translated to adult romantic relationships, emotional unavailability, someone who comes and goes, someone who shows up one day and declares their love for you and then says, actually I can't and I need space. All of that is going to light up your system and feel very familiar at the same time as it feels very painful. And again, if we've only ever known stress, anxiety and pain in relationships, we don't necessarily register that as, as something to walk away from. A lot of us will instinctively move towards the problem and try to control it, try to solve it, rather than moving away from it and realising that maybe that's not the relationship or the partner for us. So if you do have something in your family system around inconsistency, unreliability, unpredictability, then an emotionally unavailable partner who comes and goes or who gives a little, then pulls way back, that's going to feel very familiar to your nervous system system and is likely going to draw you in and make you feel more attached and more invested to trying to stabilise them or keep them on the good side of things, keep them open to you, keep them connected and all of the patterns of shape shifting and people pleasing and over giving and self abandonment, that can be part of that chase.
[00:14:42]:
Okay, the next reason that you might be drawn to emotionally unavailable people is that you may have a bit of a saviour complex and you may be most comfortable when you are in the self appointed role of coach or therapist or caretaker of someone who has either their own stuff going on, mental health challenges, trauma, the emotional unavailability of someone who has a lot of fear of intimacy. If you're someone who's very emotionally attuned, very sensitive, has a lot of love to give and is a great listener, all of those things can prime you to feel like I see this person's pain, even in ways that they maybe don't see their pain and I understand what they need and so if I can just make them feel safe enough to come out of their shell, to heal their wounds, to let go of their demons, they will be redeemed by my love and we will live happily ever after. And so we can really over indent on Hope and potential. We can see these glimmers in people. And while there's something really beautiful in that, in our compassion and our willingness to see someone's humanity, we have to be really careful and really self responsible about also engaging honestly with reality as it is, rather than fixating on hope for some future version of someone that ultimately we don't have control over. And while relationships can be a beautiful place to grow together, making it our mission to change someone or to expand their capacity by force to make them open to us and to make them go to therapy and make them be more vulnerable, I think it's something to really watch for. If you see that within yourself, if you find yourself really holding on to little moments where someone open to you that actually represent a very small fraction of the overall landscape of the relationship, I think we do have to see that for what it is and make sure that we're holding a responsible line there between, yes, allowing for someone to grow and being supportive of that, while not making it our responsibility to make them grow, and ultimately wanting to be pursuing a relationship with someone who today, the version of them today is someone that we want to be with, not just the fantasy of who they could become with, you know, enough influence from us or other people. The fourth reason why you might be drawn to emotion, emotionally unavailable people is that the intermittent reinforcement that you get from someone who shows up sometimes and is really open and loving and warm and you have fun and maybe there's a strong chemistry or sexual attraction and then they disappear.
[00:17:37]:
That intermittent reinforcement is so addictive. That is a really, really powerful way of, of drawing you in and keeping you hooked. Right? This is how gambling machines work. It's how our phones and social media work. This mechanism of more or less hijacking our dopamine response and keeping us hooked on, when will I get the next reward? I don't know. And so it could be in five minutes or it could be in five months, but either way, I'm on the edge of my seat and I'm holding my breath in anticipation for the person who may or may not show up. And when we're in that kind of dynamic, the reward, when it comes, if it comes, feels a thousand times better than the person who is really steady, really reliable and shows up. If someone is always super responsive to your text messages and doesn't give you that adrenaline spike because they're just rock solid and steady and available, that is a very different experience for your nervous system than the dopamine rollercoaster of someone who Maybe starts replying and then, you know, the three dots go away and you don't hear from them for two days.
[00:18:52]:
Guess who's going to have you checking your phone like an anxious maniac. And guess what's going to feel so amazing when they reply to you after two or three days? Even if it's like just sending a message saying, hey, sorry, I've been busy, your system is going to be in total overdrive when you get that message, even though it is like a fundamentally underwhelming, disappointing message to receive. So just recognising that those, those patterns of intermittent reinforcement, meaning you don't know when you're going to get the reward, have been studied extensively and it's been well established that that is what makes us most likely to pursue a reward and to be really invested in a reward and to get more of a dopamine response out of the reward when it comes than something that is really reliably fed to us or that is available in a really consistent and predictable way. So your body's neurochemist is wired such that unpredictable relationship dynamics are going to be more addictive and there's really a lot to be said for again, self responsibility. They're seeing it for what it is. Not confusing that with like, oh, love and connection and chemistry and it feels so great. No, you're just experiencing a hit of a drug and weaning yourself way off that and actually refusing to engage so that your system doesn't become so trained to seek that out and to hold out for it and then to make all of this meaning about how great it feels and how amazing you feel when you're with them. There's oftentimes a lot more going on than meets the eye and it has less to do with how amazing they are and more to do with how unpredictable their behaviour is.
[00:20:34]:
And so the anxiety and the anticipation that that creates in you. Okay, and last but not least, the final reason why you might be attracted to emotionally unavailable people. And this one can be a little hard to hear, but you might be be emotionally unavailable yourself. I foreshadowed in the introduction that oftentimes the picture of the emotionally unavailable person we see as being very overlapping with avoidant attachment patterns. So someone who's non committal and who's aloof and who doesn't want to talk about anything and doesn't want to talk about feelings and is very conflict averse and all of those things. And that can certainly be one form of emotional unavailability. But as I like to remind people, a big part of emotional availability is honesty and directness and vulnerability and anxiously attached people can really struggle with those things too. And so there can be aspects of emotional unavailability within us that we don't even realise because we feel so emotional.
[00:21:39]:
We're like, what do you mean? Emotionally unavailable. I cry at the drop of a hat. And I love talking about fear. Feelings, maybe, but talking about feelings in an analytical way, in a ruminating way where we're constantly spinning around in storeys, that's not the same as really being present with our emotions. And oftentimes we're more attuned to other people's emotions than we are to our own. And we really struggle to be self responsible around that. We can struggle to regulate our own emotions. We can feel very panicky and very dependent and very reliant on controlling other people or having them do what we want them to do in order that we can feel okay.
[00:22:22]:
All of these things can be signs of emotional unavailability within us. We can really struggle with receiving. One of the other pieces that I didn't talk about in this episode, but that is also relevant in the pursuit of emotional unavailability, is that we tend to be more comfortable as the giver or the pursuer. And actually, if someone suddenly showed up in the way that we've been begging them to a lot of the time, I think we'd really struggle to know what to do with it. If things that person turned around and suddenly said, okay, tell me about how you're feeling, tell me about your biggest fears. We'd probably be a bit like, oh, hang on, I'm not used to actually being in the spotlight, even though I'm constantly grasping and clutching and begging for you to pay attention to me. Sometimes that pleading role or that complaining or that nitpicking or that reaching is a really comfortable place to be, but that it's in part comfortable because we don't actually expect the other person to turn around and show up. So it allows us to point the finger at them as being the problem.
[00:23:23]:
But suddenly, if the secure person showed up and was fully there and wanted to know us deeply, that might feel very vulnerable and we might feel a bit naked and realise some blind spots in us around our own emotional availability and how hard that can be. So many of the protest behaviours of anxious attachment are the epitome of, of emotional unavailability because they are protective strategies that sit on top of vulnerability and tenderness and true emotional presence and ownership. So just recognising that. And again, none of this is about actually, it's not their fault, it's your fault. It's really just to acknowledge that if we keep coming up against this pattern, we too have work to do. And that's really good news because that means that we aren't powerless. We aren't just victims of other people's terrible behaviour. We're participating participants in our patterns.
[00:24:14]:
And that means that we have agency over them and we can make choices towards something that feels more aligned and something that represents what we deeply desire and not just what we know or what is familiar or comfortable to us. Okay, so I'm going to leave it there because this has gotten pretty long. I hope that has been insightful for you, if a little confronting. I know that some of these, these conversations, particularly when we are having the mirror held up or we're being called out lovingly about the role that we play in our suffering or our misery or what we don't want, I know it can be hard to hear, but I hope that you're able to receive it in the spirit of compassion and curiosity and ultimately empowerment. And that it, if anything, inspires hope in you that another way is possible. But it just requires some unlearning of some old patterns, which is not always easy work, but it's certainly possible. So, sending you lots of love. Thank you.
[00:25:13]:
As always. For those who tune in, listen, leave reviews, comments, I read them all and I'm grateful for you all and your ongoing support. And I'm sending you lots of love. Okay, thanks, guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
emotionally unavailable partners, emotional unavailability, attracting unavailable partners, relationship patterns, anxious attachment, low self worth, low self esteem, self worth challenges, overgiving, attachment styles, inconsistent relationships, unreliable partners, childhood family dynamics, nervous system, anticipatory anxiety, saviour complex, caretaker role, coaching in relationships, emotional maturity, vulnerability, honesty in relationships, conflict avoidance, commitment issues, intermittent reinforcement, dopamine response, people pleasing, self abandonment, secure relationships, self responsibility, personal growth
#217: The Missing Piece in Your Healing Journey
Self-compassion is the often-ignored, often-resisted missing piece in our healing. Whether you struggle with anxious attachment, people-pleasing, perfectionism, overfunctioning, or that familiar internal voice whispering just do better, this one’s for you. So many of us try to “fix” ourselves through pressure, shame, or self-criticism, believing that being hard on ourselves will finally create the change we want. But real transformation doesn’t come from pushing—it comes from learning to relate to ourselves with curiosity, care, and inner safety. In this post, we explore how self-compassion becomes the foundation for building secure attachment, breaking old patterns, and creating the kind of steady inner relationship every healing journey truly needs.
I recorded this episode of On Attachment the morning after arriving back in Australia from three months in Europe—jet lagged, wide awake at 4 a.m., and running entirely on adrenaline and love for this work. In other words, peak human.
But maybe that’s fitting, because today’s topic is one that lands deeply in the human experience:
Self-compassion as the often-ignored, often-resisted missing piece in our healing.
Whether you struggle with anxious attachment, people-pleasing, perfectionism, overfunctioning, or that familiar internal voice whispering just do better, this one’s for you.
Why Self-Compassion Feels So Counterintuitive
If you grew up with high expectations or learned early on that love and belonging were tied to performance, chances are you developed a harsh internal dialogue:
Why can’t I stop being so anxious?
Why am I still insecure?
Why do I keep ending up in the same relationship patterns?
Why can’t I just get over it and move on?
We think this self-criticism is helpful—motivating, even.
We fear that being kind to ourselves means letting ourselves off the hook.
But here’s the truth:
Self-criticism doesn’t create growth. It creates shame.
And shame paralyzes us. It shuts down our capacity to change.
Self-compassion isn’t “soft.” It’s not indulgent. It’s not a free pass.
It’s the foundation that allows for meaningful self-responsibility and real transformation.
Your Anxiety Isn’t the Enemy—It’s a Scared Part of You
I often tell my students:
Your anxiety is like a smoke alarm.
It might be overly sensitive at times…but it’s always going off for a reason.
When we shame ourselves for feeling anxious, we aren’t silencing the alarm—we’re ignoring it. And ignored alarms don’t get quieter; they get louder.
Think of it this way:
If you were in a building and smelled smoke, and everyone around you said, “Don’t be ridiculous, stop being paranoid,” would that calm you down?
Of course not.
Your body would escalate because it believes something is wrong—and no amount of shaming yourself would override that.
The same is true internally.
When we tell ourselves stop being so anxious, stop being so needy, stop overreacting, we disconnect from the part of us that most needs our care.
Self-compassion sounds like this:
“This is scary. This is hard. And it makes sense that I’m feeling this way.”
This validation is not enabling.
It’s soothing.
It’s integrative.
It’s the first step toward safety.
And we cannot grow from a place where we don’t feel safe.
Why Shame Blocks Healing
Many people believe that if they stop beating themselves up, they’ll never change.
So the logic becomes:
“Be harder on yourself so you don’t repeat the same mistakes.”
But here’s the problem:
Shame doesn’t create accountability—it creates avoidance.
When you’re drowning in something is wrong with me, there is no spaciousness for curiosity, reflection, or empowered decision-making.
Shame contracts you.
Self-compassion opens you.
Growth requires openness.
Which means…
Self-compassion isn’t the opposite of self-responsibility.
Self-compassion is what makes self-responsibility possible.
Self-Compassion + Self-Responsibility = Real Growth
This is the beautiful feedback loop:
Self-compassion gives you inner safety.
You stop shaming yourself for struggling.
You stop believing your feelings are wrong.
Inner safety allows for self-responsibility.
You can look honestly at your patterns.
You can take ownership without collapsing into blame.
Self-responsibility leads to meaningful change.
You can make different choices.
Seek support.
Set boundaries.
Shift your relational templates.
But without the first step of compassion, the rest simply cannot unfold.
It’s not enough to intellectually understand your triggers or patterns.
If the relationship you have with yourself is still harsh, punitive, or dismissive, the healing work won’t stick.
The Most Common Missing Piece
In thousands of conversations with clients and students, I have found this to be universally true:
Most people come into healing work expecting to “fix” themselves, not to soften toward themselves.
But lasting healing doesn’t come from fixing.
It comes from relating to yourself differently.
Especially if you have insecure attachment patterns, where invalidation may have been a core wound—learning to validate yourself is deeply reparative.
You become your own secure base.
You become someone you can trust.
And that changes everything.
A Final Reminder (Especially for the Self-Compassion Skeptics)
Self-compassion does not mean:
excusing harmful behavior
bypassing responsibility
giving up on growth
wallowing in self-pity
Self-compassion does mean:
acknowledging that your reactions make sense
understanding your history instead of shaming it
staying curious instead of critical
creating inner safety so you can make better choices next time
This is the missing piece for so many people—not because they’re incapable of healing, but because they’ve been approaching healing from the wrong place:
Self-punishment instead of self-connection.
If you want change, start by changing the way you relate to yourself.
That’s where everything begins.
If You’re Ready to Deepen This Work
The Secure Self Challenge is opening again in January, and the presale is currently live at a very reduced rate.
This round will be completely refreshed with brand-new content designed to help you:
rebuild your sense of self-worth
develop a more secure inner relationship
interrupt old attachment patterns
and move into the new year with intention
It’s the fourth time I’m running the challenge, and it’s one of the most transformative programmes I offer in a short, structured format.
If you struggle with insecure attachment, low self-worth, or harsh self-criticism, this challenge is a beautiful place to begin.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. Today's episode is the first episode that I'm recording since arriving back in Australia. Some of you might know I've been travelling in Europe for the last three months and I literally landed back in Sydney last night, drove home from the airport, which is a couple of hours for us. We got in at about 9pm we are heavily jet lagged, so I slept from maybe 1am till 4am and I am here recording this episode. So full disclaimer. It could be entirely incoherent and I apologise in advance, but we are going to be talking today about the missing piece in a lot of people's healing journey and that is our mindset, the way that we relate to ourselves, the way we relate to the things that we struggle with and really the importance of self compassion in amongst all of that. Now if you are someone who has spent a lot of your life pushing, hustling, striving, maybe you're a perfectionist, maybe you're of the over functioning type and you have an inner dialogue that tells you to just try harder and do better.
[00:01:03]:
Self compassion can be really, really counterintuitive and it can feel almost a little bit soft, right? We can have a lot of resistance to this idea of being kind to ourselves or being less self critical or less punitive. It can feel like we're almost letting ourselves off the hook. But as we're going to talk about today, it's not true at all to say that self compassion and starting with self compassion in our healing journey is tantamount to giving ourselves a free pass. The way I see it, it's almost a prerequisite to being able to meaningfully engage with our patterns and take responsibility and ultimately grow. So I want to share some thoughts on that today. It's going to be a short and sweet episode on account of my sleep deprivation, but it is actually a very, very important one. If you have been in any of my programmes, my communities, you would know that so much of the advice that I give people when they come to me with all manner of questions and queries and what do I do in situation and how do I stop being so anxious and how can I stop myself from getting triggered and all of these things so much of the time my advice comes down to something that is fundamentally about changing the way we relate to ourselves in those moments that we struggle. So going to be sharing some thoughts on that today.
[00:02:20]:
If you are someone who's a self compassion sceptic, please stay with me because I too am someone who leans more towards like just do better as a baseline. And I am so big on self responsibility. That is an absolute pillar of my work and my personal orientation in life is really to take ownership of what we can control and what we can change. But as we'll talk about today, self compassion is a really big part of that. Okay, before we get into today's episode, I just wanted to let you all know that my Secure Self Challenge is going to be kicking off again in January. There are already about 25 people signed up who joined. There was a pre sale option with Black Friday sale and for the next week I'm going to be offering a really reduced pre sale rate just for the Secure Self Challenge. So if you're interested, I haven't finalised all of the details yet, but it will be the fourth time that I'm running the challenge and I'm actually going to be totally overhauling it and re recording brand new content.
[00:03:21]:
I'm really, really excited about it and I think January is a really great time to do it. Obviously we get that new year energy and I think it's a really beautiful time of year to both reflect, take stock and set intention as well as come up with a bit of a game plan for okay, if things need to shift in my life, how am I going to get myself there? And so having a bit of structure around that in the month of January I think is a really beautiful thing. So if you're someone who struggles with insecure attachment patterns, if you struggle in your relationship with yourself, as I always say, self worth is where so much of it stems from and where so much of the work begins. So the Secure Self Challenge is a really great little programme to kind of reset on your inner relationship and allow that to trickle out into all areas of life. And if you'd like to sign up at that very discounted pre sale rate, you can do so via my website. The link to that page is in the show notes. So the missing piece in so many people's healing journey. Now, as I foreshadowed in the introduction, it is so, so common in people that I work with.
[00:04:23]:
I literally hear it every day. People who say, how can I stop being so whatever. Anxious, insecure and needy. Why do I struggle with low self worth? How can I just feel unworthy? Why do I struggle with boundaries? Why can't I just be more confident? I don't know what's wrong with me. Why can't I just let go? Why do I struggle with loneliness? So many things that we judge ourselves really harshly for, and that seems to be our starting point, is to assume that there's something wrong with what we're experiencing and how we're feeling. And of course, that makes a lot of sense if the thing that we're experiencing and the feelings we're feeling are hard, uncomfortable or at odds with what we really want for ourselves. So if we've had a string of. Of relationships that haven't worked out and we've faced disappointments and maybe we've been really hopeful, and then we've actually ended up in a repeat of the same old pattern, and that's felt not only disheartening, but we maybe carry shame around that.
[00:05:23]:
And this deep belief of, like, there must just be something wrong with me, that I keep experiencing this, that people keep leaving me, or I keep pushing them away or whatever the storey is, right? We've all got these storeys. And as I said, if your template is to internalise other people's behaviour or situations or things that you're struggling with as meaning that you're just not doing a good enough job, or you just need to be better or try harder or be different, that there is something inherently wrong with your experience or the way you're experiencing it, so the feelings that you're having about your experience, then it's probably very familiar to you that you would end up in these loops of, there's just something wrong with me. Why can't I just stop being so anxious? Why can't I just stop being so insecure? Why can't I just stop being so needy? Why can't I just stop overthinking? It is, for many of us, much more comfortable to make ourselves the problem and just try and push away the thing that we deem to be wrong about ourselves and kind of put a lid on it, bury it away. But as you would know if you've tried that approach, it doesn't tend to work very well. And the way that I always explain this to my students is like, your anxiety is a scared part of you, right? And it's a very real part of you that really, deeply believes that it is helping you by warning you of all of the things that could go wrong, or all of the things that are maybe already going wrong, that are imperfect, that are potential red flags, or things that don't feel quite right. And by assuming that our anxiety is just delusion or paranoid paranoia, and trying to hit the mute button on that, that part of us that is carrying those fears, those Beliefs doesn't just go away because we're trying to turn away from it, right? That's still with us. And much like if you were in a building and you could smell smoke and you started trying to warn the people around you, I think the building's on fire, I can smell smoke. And everyone just told you that you were crazy and to stop being so paranoid.
[00:07:28]:
If you can smell smoke, that's not going to be much comfort to you, right? That's not going to suddenly calm you down and you're going to go back to what you were doing. You're probably going to escalate in your attempts to get the attention of people who you think might be able to help you or who you need to mobilise to deal with the situation. And the exact same thing is true within us, right? That these parts of us that are trying so hard to keep us safe and so hard to protect us from hurt, pain, disappointment, betrayal, loss, really deeply believe that there's something wrong. And so when those familiar feelings come up in our body, whether it's like gut clenching or heart racing or heat tingling, all of those things that then send those messages to our brain, saying, something's wrong, you need to do something. Just making ourselves wrong for that and shaming ourselves for that, whether in the moment or in the aftermath of it, is really, really unhelpful, because it totally misses the fact that what we're experiencing is absolutely real, even if it's not true in the sense of grounded reality. Like, even if the fear storey didn't come to fruition, even if it turns out we were catastrophizing, what we're experiencing in that moment was very real. And there's a part of us that really needs our care and attention. And so just telling ourselves to stop being so anxious is not the medicine that we need there.
[00:08:49]:
And this kind of brings me to the key point here, which is when we are trying to grow and we are doing it from an energy of there is something wrong with me that I need to fix, which is overwhelmingly the kind of belief in the storey that people are carrying when they come to my work, will you be able to fix me? Because I have this terrible thing wrong with me and I struggle in these ways that make me unworthy unlovable, and I need to fix myself urgently, right? And I will always say to people that that energy of trying to fix yourself and assuming that you are broken, that is actually going to be the thing that stops you from heal. And so I will always guide people to the starting point of cultivating self compassion. Now, that doesn't mean that you have to love and embrace every part of yourself and all of the ways in which you struggle, but what it does require is that you can soften some of that shame and grip and self criticism and punishment and instead turn towards yourself with curiosity and a starting assumption that what you're experiencing makes sense. Right? Because it always does. Like I said, there's so many times to students in my programmes like you could not tell me something about yourself that with enough context I would not be able to say to you. Well, of course that makes perfect sense. Anyone in your situation would feel that way and it's totally natural and understandable. And I think the more that we can learn to respond to ourselves with that same energy of like, yeah, this is really hard and it makes sense that this is scary, that really, really soothes our anxious parts, right? It allows us to say like, oh, you, you, you smell smoke, that must be really scary.
[00:10:33]:
Like let's, let's do something about that so that you can feel more comfortable with the situation rather than just telling that part of us to shut up and get over it or stop ruining everything. So learning to validate ourselves, to show up in this way for ourselves is so essential. And particularly so if you're someone who struggles with anxious attachment patterns because almost always there is a wound around feeling invalidated. And whether that comes from our family system, whether we've intern the message that we are too much, too sensitive, too needy, that our emotions are unwelcome, we sort of take that on and we become our own worst enemy in terms of giving ourselves that feedback. So every time we have a feeling, we then doubt whether we're allowed to have the feeling. And oftentimes we then end up in relationships where that gets mirrored back to us and it all kind of swirls around. So one of the most healing things that you can do as someone with that background and with that storey and that template in relationships is learn to show up for yourself, turn towards yourself with curiosity, curiosity, compassion and validation and say like, yes, I hear you. I see that this is scary.
[00:11:38]:
I see that you're overwhelmed, I see that you're nervous, I see that you're anxious. That makes sense. It's going to be okay. Becoming that secure attachment figure to yourself is such an essential starting point in this journey of healing. Now, the other piece before we wrap up, that I want to emphasise that I know I mentioned earlier, was around self responsibility and for a lot of people I actually asked people in my healing anxious attachment course a little while ago what they struggled with when it came to self compassion. And a lot of the responses had this common thread of it feels self indulgent, it feels like letting myself off the hook. It feels like I'm being soft on myself when really I need to be hard on myself. Because look at my life, I'm so far from where I want to be.
[00:12:24]:
If I just start wrapping myself up in warm and fuzzy kind of language, isn't that just to enable me in doing more of the same? It's almost like I take away the motivation to change if I'm being too kind to myself rather than reminding myself of all of the ways that I mess up and all of the ways that I'm not good enough. And of course we live in a society that is big on punishment and reward. So it makes sense that for a lot of us that's what we reach for. If I've done the wrong thing or I've messed up, I need to punish myself so that I can do better. But really all that does is perpetuate shame. It comes from shame and it creates more shame. And when our system is bogged down in shame, I always say that it's like poisoning the soil and then expecting things to grow. It's not going to work because shame leads us into contraction.
[00:13:16]:
It leads us into a really closed, internally stressed, fear driven state. It's a very shutdown energy and it's really hard to grow from that place. It just doesn't tend to work very well. We grow when we feel safe and shame is not safe. So really in being self compassionate, it's not just a nice idea, it's actually very much facilitative of growth and self responsibility, which is this idea of being able to look honestly and engage meaningfully with our contribution to our patterns, the ways in which we may be acting out of alignment or not showing up as our best self, not exerting agency. Maybe we're stuck in storeys of victimhood and blame. It's only when we can be self compassionate and not make ourselves wrong, not shame ourselves, that there's enough safety for us to also take self responsibility, right? And say, okay, it makes perfect sense that I'm struggling with this and what do I need to do? What hard decisions do I need to make? What support do I need to surround myself with or invest in in order to get myself out of this pattern, to really dial in like what is within my control here and what am I going to do about it. I think that there's this really beautiful feedback loop almost between self compassion and self responsibility.
[00:14:33]:
And it's really hard to be genuinely self response in a non toxic way, in a non self blaming, self shaming way if we don't have self compassion there as a starting point. If we don't have that inner safety of knowing that like I'm not going to beat myself up, I'm not going to self flagellate if I make a mistake, but I am going to remain accountable to myself, to the standards that I set for who and how I want to show up, being able to find that sweet spot which is really where growth happens, that's where growth is possible, that requires that have self compassion in place. And that is really the missing piece in the vast majority of people who come to my work have that in common that they really struggle with self compassion, that they are so accustomed to self blame and shame. And it's when we shift that and we really work the muscle of self compassion because it takes practise, it's not natural for most people. That's when things really start to shift and it's a very, very positive ripple effect once you get, get that piece in place. Okay, I'm going to leave it there. I really hope that this has been a helpful reminder for you again for the self compassion sceptics. I know that the resistance to that is so real, but I hope you're comforted by the fact that this is not about enabling ourselves.
[00:15:53]:
It's not about excusing behaviour. It's actually about recognising that our behaviour, our emotions, our responses make sense and that it's our job to engage meaningfully in. Okay, what was going on for me there and what might a healthier solution look like? It's only when we have a really safe and healthy inner relationship that there's enough space for us to do that and to ultimately choose differently next time. So it's so, so important for our growth, for our healing, for our evolution that we can have that kind of relationship with ourselves. Okay, if you do want to join the Secure Self Challenge at a very reduced rate, make sure that you cheque out the link in the show notes or head straight to my website. I'd love to see as many of you as possible in the challenge come January, but otherwise I hope you have a great week and I'll see you next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
self compassion, healing journey, mindset, self criticism, inner dialogue, perfectionism, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, insecure attachment, self responsibility, anxiety, anxious attachment patterns, relationships, low self worth, boundaries, emotional validation, shame, growth, self blame, self shaming, self acceptance, self punishment, overthinking, self growth, personal development, inner relationship, self improvement, emotional regulation, attachment styles, mindset shifts