#220: 3 Hard Truths About Changing Your Life
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change. New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward. If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
As we approach the beginning of a new year, many of us find ourselves sitting in a strange in-between space. There’s reflection on what’s been, anticipation of what could be, and often a quiet (or not so quiet) awareness that something needs to change.
New Year’s energy can be complicated. On one hand, it can feel arbitrary or pressure-filled — as though the calendar flips and we’re suddenly meant to reinvent ourselves overnight. On the other hand, when approached with intention rather than shame, this time of year can offer a powerful pause point. A moment to reflect, clarify, and decide how we want to move forward.
If you’re on the cusp of change — or have been circling the same decision for a long time — here are three hard truths about changing your life that may help orient you toward courage, self-trust, and forward motion.
Hard Truth #1: There Is Never Going to Be a Perfect Time
If you’re waiting until you feel ready, calm, confident, or certain before making a big change, you may be waiting indefinitely.
Big changes are, by nature, destabilising. Whether it’s leaving a relationship, changing careers, moving cities, or redefining how you live, your nervous system is wired to prefer the familiar — even when the familiar is deeply unsatisfying. So of course it’s going to tell you: It’s too much. It’s too overwhelming. Not now.
That voice can be incredibly persuasive. It can freeze your body, cloud your thinking, and make even the first step feel impossible. But this doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong — it means you’re human.
The hard truth is that readiness often comes after action, not before it. Confidence is built through movement, not through waiting for anxiety to disappear. You don’t need a 100-step plan or total certainty. You just need the willingness to take the next step — and then the one after that.
Readiness is a choice before it becomes a feeling.
Hard Truth #2: Using the Fear of Regret as a Compass Will Keep You Stuck
One of the most paralysing questions people ask themselves when facing change is: What if I regret it?
What if I regret leaving?
What if I regret staying?
What if I make the wrong choice?
When fear of regret becomes the primary decision-making tool, the result is often inaction. Time passes, nothing changes, and the fear remains — because one half of that fear is always what if I regret not doing anything at all?
The truth is, we don’t get a crystal ball. Outcomes are only partially within our control, and regret is often judged in hindsight based not just on our choices, but on countless variables we couldn’t have predicted or controlled.
So instead of asking, Which path guarantees I won’t regret this? — a question that will never bring the certainty anxiety is craving — a more grounded question is:
How can I show up in a way that I’ll be proud of?
How can I lead from integrity and alignment with my values?
When your decisions are guided by who you want to be — not by an imagined future outcome — you’re far less likely to look back and feel ashamed of yourself. You may still feel sadness or grief, but you’ll know you acted from self-respect.
One important distinction here: if you already know you regret the life you’re living right now, that’s not hypothetical fear — that’s present-moment truth. And that truth deserves your attention.
Hard Truth #3: Your Life Will Change When Your Standards Change
Much of what makes up our lives is shaped by what we’re willing to tolerate.
This isn’t about blaming yourself for how others have treated you. But it is about recognising your agency. Your standards — in relationships, work, health, environment, and self-talk — quietly set the tone for your life.
If you expect flakiness, emotional unavailability, or chronic disappointment, you’re more likely to tolerate it. And when you tolerate it, it stays in your world.
Raising your standards doesn’t mean controlling others — it means becoming unavailable for what drains you, diminishes you, or leaves you feeling resentful and depleted. It’s an act of self-respect that often requires sacrifice, courage, and the willingness to walk away from things you once fought hard to keep.
This is especially difficult for people with anxious attachment patterns, where the instinct is to hold on, try harder, and hope for change. But sometimes the most loving thing you can do for yourself is to close the door on what continues to cost you your vitality.
Your life will change when you decide what is — and is no longer — acceptable.
A Final Word
If these truths feel confronting, they’re meant to. But they’re offered with deep belief in your capacity to create a meaningful, aligned life.
No matter where you are right now — no matter what you regret, what didn’t work, or what you wish you’d done differently — you can always course correct. Shame doesn’t help you change, but self-honesty does.
There will never be a perfect time, which means now is good enough.
Change begins when you decide.
And as uncomfortable as it may be, no one is coming to rescue you.
That responsibility is also your power.
You are capable of making brave, loving decisions that honour your worth. And I am cheering you on every step of the way.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, I am sharing three hard truths about changing your life. And it's something that I wanted to share it. Being on the cusp of a new year now, I know that a lot of people have kind of mixed feelings around the whole New Year, New Me energy and the tradition of setting resolutions and all of those things. And certainly I think that if your New Year's resolutions are just things that you pluck out of thin air, or the same thing that you've said for the last 10 years, and there's no real plan or structure or follow through behind it, then certainly I think that can actually do more harm than good. Because whether it's New Year's resolutions or anything else, I think when we make commitments that we don't follow through on, that is really an effective way to erode self trust and self respect. But for me, New Year always carries a really potent energy.
[00:00:58]:
And it's a time that I personally love to sit down and reflect on the year that's been and set clear intentions for myself for the coming year. And I have all of these in the one little book for the past few years. And it's amazing to read back on my reflections and my intentions and to see how those things unfolded, often in unexpected ways. But it's really powerful and very deeply satisfying to me to see how those things came to fruition or maybe took unexpected turns. But nonetheless, it's always a very fruitful and meaningful exercise for me. And while I think it can feel kind of arbitrary, you know that the clock ticks over and suddenly you're meant to shed all your skin and step into a new version of yourself. And to the extent that all of that kind of messaging and content is coming from a not enough place or a shamey place where you feel like you should be further along or you suddenly have to become someone different in order to feel like you're doing it right, I think we can like put all of that in the bin, put all that to one side, drown that out as much as you can. But certainly for me, and maybe for you as well, there is something really nice and meaningful and reflective about using this time of year and the turning over of a new leaf to clarify our intentions to more decisive, to be clear about what we want and what we're working towards, what matters to us, what we value and what kind of life we're building.
[00:02:29]:
Because to me that's the difference between kind of drifting on open seas or actually clearly sailing towards a destination. If we don't know where we're going or what we're aiming for, where we don't want to be going, then there's every chance that we're going to end up somewhere that we don't want to be. So that's really the intention behind today's episode, is to offer you some food for thought and these hard truths around making big changes. If that feels like something you're on the cusp of or that you've been putting off for a long time, that you've been avoiding, just really reminding you that now is as good a time as ever and calling you forward into more courage and more self trust as we enter the New Year. Now, just before I get into these three hard truths, I wanted to remind you about my upcoming 28 day secure self challenge. It's kicking off on the 12th of January. Early bird pricing is available until the 1st of January, so if you would like to join, please do. You can still join up to the challenge start date, but it'll be a slightly lower cost if you join sooner rather than later.
[00:03:36]:
But yeah, I'd love to spend 28 days with you focusing on building really deep, solid self worth. Because if you've been around here a while, you'd know that I'm a big believer in self worth as the bedrock, the foundation that makes everything else flow a little more easefully. Whether that's relationships, friendships, work, all of it is going to benefit from you building self worth. And in the challenge we go through week by week, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust. It's my lowest cost offering, so it's a nice entry point. If you have been interested in doing one of my programmes, it's a really great place to start. So the link to that is in the show notes or you can head to my website as well. Okay, so let's talk about three hard truths about changing your life.
[00:04:23]:
The first one is there is never going to be a perfect time. So waiting until you feel ready is going to leave you waiting for a really long time. And maybe you already know that because maybe you have been waiting for a convenient time to make a big change and you keep kicking the can down the road. You keep reaching for excuses or justifications or reasons why it feels imperfect or too much right now or overwhelming. And all of that is totally valid, right? Because it probably is overwhelming to think about making a big change. Whether that's to work, whether that's to a relationship, whether that's to where you're living. It's really natural that your nervous system is going to steer you away from doing something that feels destabilising, even if you know it's needed and it's the right thing. It's going to take a lot of courage and, and decisive action, even in the face of all of that imperfect timing, if you are wanting to make a big change.
[00:05:24]:
So it's really important that we understand that in many ways the odds are against us, or at least our system is going to heavily tilt towards maintaining the status quo. And that can be very persuasive because our nervous system is also the thing telling us it's too much, it's too overwhelming, don't do it. And that voice can feel very loud and it affects everything. It's like our whole body can seize up and go into a freeze response and feel like I can't even think about taking the first step, let alone all of the steps after that. So that's just something to be really aware of and it's not something to override or dismiss. But if we want to make big changes, recognising that, it's a bit of a fallacy to be waiting for the right time or the perfect time, or a feeling of readiness. Oftentimes readiness is something that comes from action. It's a choice, and we create momentum through the doing, rather than waking up one day and going, great, today's the day I feel ready and I'm not anxious about it anymore, or I have total clarity, or I have 100% confidence that this is the right thing.
[00:06:30]:
Oftentimes we have to get the ball rolling and we have to take the first step, or maybe the first few steps before that confidence starts to build, before we have a sense of like, okay, I'm doing this and I can do this. But it is that sense of confidence coming from action rather than, like, thinking our way to the perfect plan and the perfect time, and taking anxiety or uncertainty as a sign that it's not the right time yet or that we're not ready. I often teach the same thing. You might have heard me say it around breakups that, like, moving on is a choice before it's a feeling. And I think the same thing is true here, that readiness has to be a choice before it becomes a feeling. And we actually have to step into that realm of in between, of transition, of discomfort, and expect it to feel really wobbly while still leading from the part of us that knows, like, this is the way and this is what my integrity is calling me Forward into. Even if I don't have all the answers right now, even if it feels like imperfect timing, I just have to take the first step and then I have to take the next step and the next step. And I don't need to know what the next 100 steps are.
[00:07:38]:
I do just have to lean into forward motion and trust myself to fit. Figure it out as I go. That was certainly, as a little side note for anyone who doesn't know, I used to be a corporate lawyer. And when I quit my job to become a coach, I did not have a fully fledged plan. I did not have certainty that it was going to work out. I didn't really have a lot of answers, but I had a really strong sense of this is what I want. This feels right. This feels so enlivening.
[00:08:06]:
And so it was a matter of just figuring out, like, what's the first step? Okay, I've got the first step, let's do it. And actually leaning into all of the unknowns and all of the uncertainty and all of the possibilities and choosing to trust myself to figure it out, rather than having all the answers before I took action. Now, the next hard truth, which is sort of related, is using the fear of regret as a compass in your decision making is generally not going to be helpful and will probably keep you stuck. So this is something that I encounter all the time, is people feel very frozen, paralysed, when they're on the cusp of a big change or a big decision because they are consumed by this question of, what if I regret it? If it's a relationship, what if I regret leaving, what if I regret staying? And I'm so terrified of the possibility of regretting my choice that I do nothing right, that I just stay where I am and then time goes on and that doesn't go away, that fear of regret. Because one half of that fear is, what if I regret not taking action? And so I think we need to just put that question aside, let that not be the focus, because the reality is we'll never know that the outcome is only partially within our control. We quite unfairly judge regret in hindsight, not just based on what we did or how we showed up, but on all the other things that unfolded that were outside of our control. So we need to realise that when we're asking this question of, like, what if I regret it? We're trying to find our way to some sort of crystal ball that can tell us what is the path that's going to guarantee me happiness, Our life free from Disappointment or hurt or heartbreak. We just don't have that because so much of that is outside of our control.
[00:10:04]:
And I know that that feels really scary. Scary. But trying to think your way to the choice that will guarantee you a life free from regret is never going to yield the certainty that your anxiety is craving because it just doesn't exist. Okay? So instead of focusing on which decision or which path or which choice is the one that I won't regret based on some future outcome, what we want to reorient to in making these big decisions is how can I show up in a way that I will be proud of? How can I lead from integrity? How can I make a choice that feels guided by my values and what is important to me and the kind of person that I want to be along the way, rather than trying to make a choice that guarantees the outcome that I'm hoping for, which is most of the time outside of our control, because there are lots of other variables and factors that go into that. So shifting away from, oh, my God, what if I regret it? And towards how can I make a choice that feels aligned and that I can stand behind, knowing that it was based on and guided by my values, my sense of integrity, and the kind of person that I want to be. Because frankly, I don't think that that is a choice that you are going to regret. Say, God, what was I thinking? Or how could I have done that? Because you'll know that that was the right decision for you because it came from the right place within you. Okay? The only exceptional footnote that I'll give to that is if you know right now that you are already living a life that you regret, then that is something that you might want to listen to if you're not ruminating on the possibility of regret in the future.
[00:11:41]:
But, like, I already regret it. And again, that was true for me when I was working as an M and a lawyer and I was in a really unhealthy relationship at the time. It wasn't like, what do I do? Because I might regret it if I leave or if I stay? There was a deep knowing within me that I already regretted being in that life, that it was not the right life for me. And so if it's that kind of voice saying, like, you got to get out of here because this is not right for you and you know it, then that has a very different quality to the fear of regret as a what if abstract future thing that our anxiety is clutching onto. That is more an awareness and knowledge of present regret. Or present misalignment that we should absolutely listen to and acknowledge and allow to guide us towards the courageous, brave, scary thing that might be making a big change. And the third hard truth about changing your life is that your life will change when your standards change. Now this is not about saying that you are responsible for how other people behave or how they treat you, or the things that other people might have done that could be really shitty, but it is an acknowledgement of the fact that we all accept and tolerate certain things in our lives.
[00:12:58]:
And again, that's not just about other people. It might be what we accept and tolerate in our living space or with respect to our health, the things that we compromise on or the things that we refuse to compromise on. We all have our standards and our non negotiables, right? And so acknowledging that a lot of what makes up your life is a product of what you are willing to tolerate and what your standards are. And so you have a lot more agency than perhaps you realise to change what your life looks and feels like by changing the standards of what you will accept and tolerate. Now this shows up in so many places. In dating, for example, if you have the expectation that people are going to be flaky and non committal and have poor communication or maybe be a bit lukewarm in their interests and that's just what you've come to expect, then you're probably going to tolerate a degree of that and you're going to continue to have that in your field, right, in your world. Because that's not something that you say an unequivocal no to, it's something that you go, well, yeah, that's just how it works. So more of that, right? Whereas if we just say I'm absolutely not available for that in any form, then yeah, that might narrow our options, but it also ensures that that's not going to be part of our storey, that's not going to be part of what we allow into our space, into our life.
[00:14:25]:
And the same goes for lots of things. So this is really a call to action around boundaries and an invitation to reflect on what am I tolerating? Where are my standards lower than maybe I would like them to be? And where is that leading me? Into resentment, frustration, victimhood, energy of it's so unfair and why me? And really resisting all of these things that keep showing up in our lives while maybe not recognising the role that we're playing in allowing those things to still be there or continuing to participate in co creative dynamics when we could just opt out and say, I'm not doing this anymore. I'm no longer available for this in any way, shape or form. And of course, that requires us to make certain sacrifices. But again, we have to decide if I'm going to be unavailable for this, if I'm not going to tolerate it, then I kind of need to not tolerate it anymore. And that can be such a hard one, particularly for folks with anxious attachment patterns, and particularly when it comes to relationships. Because our instinct, of course, is to keep holding on, keep trying and keep pushing, wanting things to change. But I think sometimes when the writing's on the wall, we actually just have to maybe let go, maybe walk away from the things that continue to drain us of our vitality, of our life force, of our sense of wellbeing, and recognise that actually, if that is not a net benefit to my life, then it is my responsibility to say goodbye, to close the door, and to make myself unavailable for that, to really raise my standard.
[00:15:59]:
So, recognising that your life will change when your standards change, and if you want to feel better, if you want to have healthier relationships, if you want to have more fruitful friendships, you may have to raise your standards on all fronts around how you treat yourself, how you speak to yourself, the kinds of relationships and friendships you invest in, your working environment, all of those things. If you are wanting those things to change substantively, qualitatively, if you want to feel differently and better in one or more of those arenas, then you are going to need to raise your standards for what is acceptable to you, for what you will tolerate. Because if we just keep putting up with things that are leaving us burnt out, angry, resentful, feeling sorry for ourselves, then that is going to be the tone that we set for our lives. And I don't think that's the place from which any of us really want to live. Okay, team, so those were three hard truths about changing your life. I really hope that you have received those in the spirit in which I have delivered them, which is one of so much love and deep belief in your capacity to create a beautiful life. No matter where you're at in life, no matter how hard things have felt, the sun always rises and there are always things that are within your control. There might be heaps of shitty things that have happened that were outside of your control, or you might have done a whole bunch of things that you really wish you hadn't, and that's okay.
[00:17:30]:
We talked about the fear of future regret today. Another piece of that is that we can learn from the things that we do regret to the extent that we have behaved in ways that we're not proud of. Use all of that to course correct. Don't use it as a way to collapse into shame and to beat yourself up and to tell yourself storeys that you know your life is over or you've missed your shot, you can always, always turn over a new leaf. You can always decide enough is enough. I'm going to make changes. And I think that as much as there are all of the cliches about New Year's, it is a beautiful time if you are knowing that you need to make some changes to really say, okay, what is this year going to be about for me? What commitments am I making to myself? What am I going to signal to myself about my worth and value? With the choices that I'm going to make and how I'm going to show up and the commitments that I'm making to myself, we can really set the tone for everything in our life based on how we relate to ourselves and the way that we show up for ourselves. So if you are feeling like you need to make some big changes but you're scared or shame is getting in the way, or you're not really sure if you can do it, please just know that you can.
[00:18:41]:
And there's never going to be a perfect time, which means now is good. Today is as good a day as any. And I am here cheering you on and rooting for you. And I have utmost faith in your ability to create a beautiful, meaningful life where you feel seen and known and loved and appreciated for who you are. And so if you are tolerating a life at the moment that feels far away from that, know that it doesn't always have to be like this. But change begins when you decide. And for better or for worse, no one's coming to rescue you. That is on you.
[00:19:12]:
And it's one of the bravest, most loving things you can ever do is decide to make a big change when you know that all sides are pointing to that. So I'm sending you so much love. I am wishing you a Beautiful start to 2026. Thank you for all of your support on the podcast this year. It's been a huge year. I hope to see some of you inside the 28 day secure self challenge which is kicking off in a couple of weeks time. But otherwise I'll see you next week on the podcast. Thanks guys.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
New Year reflections, setting intentions, changing your life, hard truths, New Year’s resolutions, self trust, self respect, personal growth, fear of regret, making big changes, self worth, Secure Self Challenge, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, readiness for change, building confidence, leaving your comfort zone, imperfect timing, career change, overcoming anxiety, relationship decisions, boundaries, raising your standards, tolerating less, victim mentality, shame, self responsibility, making commitments, life transformation
#219: How a Fear of Rejection Keeps Us From What We Want Most
Rejection is something most of us instinctively avoid. It can stir up fear, shame, embarrassment, and deep discomfort—and on a very human level, that makes sense. We’re wired to seek connection and belonging, so being rejected can feel threatening to our sense of safety and worth. But for many people, especially those with anxious attachment patterns, the fear of rejection goes far beyond a normal aversion. It becomes a guiding force—quietly shaping decisions, behaviors, and relationships in ways that actually block the very things we want most: love, connection, intimacy, and fulfillment. This is the cruel irony of rejection fear. In trying so hard to avoid it, we often guarantee the outcome we’re most afraid of.
Rejection is something most of us instinctively avoid. It can stir up fear, shame, embarrassment, and deep discomfort—and on a very human level, that makes sense. We’re wired to seek connection and belonging, so being rejected can feel threatening to our sense of safety and worth.
But for many people, especially those with anxious attachment patterns, the fear of rejection goes far beyond a normal aversion. It becomes a guiding force—quietly shaping decisions, behaviors, and relationships in ways that actually block the very things we want most: love, connection, intimacy, and fulfillment.
This is the cruel irony of rejection fear. In trying so hard to avoid it, we often guarantee the outcome we’re most afraid of.
Fear of Rejection Isn’t Just a Dating Thing
While rejection is often most visible in dating—where it can feel like we’re auditioning for someone’s love, attention, and approval—it doesn’t stop once a relationship is established. Nor is it limited to romantic contexts.
A fear of rejection can show up in:
dating and early relationships
long-term partnerships
friendships
work and career opportunities
social situations and self-expression
You might notice it when you hesitate to apply for an opportunity, afraid of what it would mean if you didn’t get it. Or when you avoid opening up to a friend because you’re scared they won’t reciprocate. Or when you silence your needs in a relationship, fearing that expressing them could push someone away.
In all of these moments, the underlying question is the same:
What if I put myself out there and it confirms that I’m not enough?
How Rejection Fear Shapes Your Behavior
At its core, fear of rejection creates risk aversion. We avoid vulnerability, honesty, and self-advocacy because they carry the possibility of disappointment.
Instead of asking for what we want, we might:
overgive and hope someone “gets the hint”
bite our tongue to keep the peace
stay small to avoid rocking the boat
avoid initiating connection altogether
preemptively withdraw before we can be rejected
And while these strategies may feel protective in the moment, they come at a cost. They prevent us from being truly seen, known, and responded to.
Ironically, the very behaviors we use to avoid rejection often create it—leaving our needs unmet and reinforcing the belief that we don’t matter.
The Link Between Rejection Fear and Self-Worth
For many people, rejection doesn’t just hurt—it feels devastating. That’s because it isn’t experienced as a single moment or interaction. It feels like confirmation of something much deeper.
At the heart of rejection sensitivity is often a rejection of self.
If you already carry beliefs like:
I’m not good enough
I’m too much
I’m asking for too much
I’m unlovable or unwanted
…then rejection doesn’t feel neutral or situational. It feels like proof.
This is especially common for people with anxious attachment, where unworthiness and rejection fears are tightly intertwined. When someone pulls away or can’t meet a need, it doesn’t just sting—it mirrors the painful stories you already tell yourself.
So rather than risking exposure, many people stay in control: improving, proving, performing, and striving behind the scenes—hoping to earn worth without ever testing it.
The Self-Fulfilling Prophecy of Avoidance
Here’s where fear of rejection becomes especially problematic.
You don’t express the need →
the need goes unmet →
you feel hurt and unseen →
you internalize it as rejection →
your fear of rejection deepens →
you become even less likely to speak up next time
And the cycle repeats.
Over time, you get smaller and quieter while resentment and loneliness grow. The connection you want feels further and further away—not because it’s impossible, but because fear is keeping you from reaching for it.
How to Start Shifting a Deep Fear of Rejection
There’s no single switch you can flip to “get over” rejection. But there are a few powerful starting points.
1. Build Self-Worth From the Inside
When you genuinely like and respect yourself, rejection loses some of its sting. It stops feeling like a referendum on your value.
This doesn’t require loving everything about yourself. It’s about developing a steady inner relationship where you can say:
I see my value. I trust myself. I know I bring something to the table.
As self-worth strengthens, you become less likely to interpret every disappointment as personal failure.
2. Reframe What Rejection Actually Means
Someone not choosing you isn’t the same as rejecting you as a human being. Often, it’s about capacity, timing, compatibility, or preference—not your worth.
You don’t like everyone. You can’t meet everyone’s needs. And that doesn’t make you cruel or deficient—it makes you human.
When you zoom out and normalize this reality, rejection becomes less loaded and less self-centered.
3. Let Your Nervous System Learn Through Experience
Mindset work is powerful—but it has limits. Your nervous system learns through experience, not logic.
To truly shift a fear of rejection, you eventually have to take the risk:
say the thing
ask for the need
express the desire
apply for the opportunity
initiate the connection
Only then can your system register:
I survived this. I didn’t collapse. Another outcome is possible.
Without action, old stories remain unchallenged.
Rejection Isn’t the Enemy—Avoidance Is
The goal isn’t to eliminate rejection or pretend it doesn’t hurt. The goal is to stop letting fear dictate your life.
When you avoid vulnerability to stay safe, you also avoid intimacy, growth, and connection.
And for many people, what they want most isn’t perfection or certainty—it’s to be seen, known, and met.
That only happens when we risk being real.
If you struggle with rejection sensitivity, remember:
This isn’t a character flaw. It’s a protective pattern—one that made sense once, but may no longer serve you.
With self-worth, compassion, and courageous action, it can shift.
And on the other side of that fear is the very thing you’ve been protecting yourself from wanting too much.
You might also like…
[00:00:00]:
Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking all about rejection and how a fear of rejection, which I think is something many of us struggle with, can actually keep us from what we want most. And that can feel like a bit of a cruel irony, but I think it's a really important one to dig into. A lot of us will associate rejection with dating and while it can certainly show up there and is maybe most obvious and most acute there, because we feel like we're sort of auditioning for someone's love and attitude, attention and approval, I actually think that the fear of rejection goes far deeper than that and has branches into many different areas of life. And probably if you're someone who really struggles with a fear of rejection, I'm sure it reaches into every area of life whether you realise it or not. And certainly I think it follows us into romantic relationships. Even when we're in a committed relationship, the fear of rejection can persist and it can really shape how we show up, whether we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, whether we take risks.
[00:01:03]:
And all of that can really determine whether we get what we want and what we need. And so we're going to be exploring that today, how and where it shows up and possibly some unexpected ways or ways that you haven't really connected the dots that your fear of rejection is driving that, how it interfaces with other fears that are really common for folks with anxious attachment patterns. And how you might start reframing this fear and creating more safety internally so that you're not so, so hyper vigilant all the time, so that you're not anticipating rejection everywhere you look, so that you can stop internalising everyone else's behaviour as being about you. And so that you can start taking even baby steps towards more of what you want through being more vulnerable and really putting yourself out there. Because as we'll talk about today, it really can be a self fulfilling prophecy that we don't go after what we want because we're so scared that we might fail or that we might be rejected and then lo and behold, we don't get what we want. So the outcome is almost guaranteed in not going after the thing. Before we get into today's episode, a reminder for anyone who has maybe missed it in the past couple of weeks that my 28 day secure self challenge is coming back in January. We'll be kicking off on the 12th of January runs for 28 days, go figure.
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And it's all about building self worth. So we go through four pillars of Self worth, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy and self trust and we spend a week on each. There will be daily audio lessons, a pop up community, a couple of live calls with me. It's a really, really great one, kind of short and sweet, really doable and always gets beautiful feedback. I've run it four times now, I think. So if you're interested in joining the Secure Self Challenge, I would absolutely love to have you. And you can find the link to join in the show notes or by heading directly to my website. Second quick announcement.
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I actually can't believe that I haven't shared this on the podcast yet, but I created a new free resource probably a month or more ago now. I've shared it on Instagram a lot, but I created a new resource called the Anxious Attachment pep talks and they are around three minutes each and there are six of them and it's totally free. You download it and pep talks are things like what to do when your partner's in a bad mood, or when you're stuck in jealousy in comparison, or when you sense that someone's pulling away from you and you're spiralling and it's basically me in your ears saying, look, here's what's happening, here's what you need to do about it. And it's a bit of a pattern interrupt. So these have already been downloaded well over a thousand times and again, I've gotten really beautiful feedback. So if you're interested in getting access to the Anxious Attachment pep talks, and my intention for these is that I can add to it along the way in response to people's requests and feedback. So it can be a bit of a living library of pep talks from me for those moments when you're really in the thick of it and you just need something to cut through all of the noise. The link to download those pep talks is also in the show notes and can also be found on my website.
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So go cheque those out, they're a great resource. Okay, so let's talk about the fear of rejection and how being ruled by this fear actually keeps us from the things that we want most. Now I think it's really important to acknowledge at the outset that nobody really likes rejection, or if they do, they are certainly outliers. It is very normal, human natural to feel hurt by rejection, to shy away from it, that it might bring us into contact with fear, shame, embarrassment, humiliation, all sorts of uncomfortable feelings that we are evolutionarily wired to stay away from. And so I think a kind of normal, natural level of aversion towards rejection is not something that we need to pathologize or make ourselves wrong for. And at the same time, I think we can acknowledge that for many of us, it goes beyond what we might call a normal amount of rejection sensitivity or aversion. And it crosses over into really holding us back from the things that we want. It feels crippling, it feels overwhelming.
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It feels like we couldn't possibly do something if there's any risk of rejection attached to it. So whether that's in dating, and we're absolutely terrified of being rejected by someone, and if the person that we went on two dates with were to say that actually they're not feeling a spark, we'd go into a total spiral and meltdown and we'd feel terrible about ourselves. Or we're scared to put ourselves forward for an opportunity at work because if we were to not get it, that would be such a blow to our sense of self and self esteem and self worth. Or even in friendships. I think we can shy away from maybe opening ourselves up to friends or trying to build friendship. That can feel really vulnerable, expressing that we'd like to spend more time with someone or inviting people to things. We can be so afraid of them saying no, or maybe not wanting the friendship in the same way that we do. We can fear that people don't really like us.
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And all of that can lead us to hold back from pursuing what we really desire for ourselves, because we're so afraid of what might happen if we were to not get it. The other big one when it comes to rejection is in relationships themselves. And as I said in the intro introduction, I think we can treat rejection as a dating thing and then think that it ceases to apply in relationships once they're established. But I think that rejection can be very present in relationships. For example, every time that you bite your tongue rather than expressing a need or desire. Or maybe you don't reach out for connection or intimacy, or you don't speak up for what you want. So much of that is grounded in this fear of what if this isn't received in the way that I'm hoping? What if the person doesn't respond the way I want them to? What will that mean about me? And so I just freeze up. I shy away from it, and I prefer not to take the risk rather than to risk rejection or disappointment because that feels too painful.
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So, as you can see, this has a lot of applications. It shows up in a lot of places. And I think the common thread in amongst all of that is risk aversion coupled with the tendency to internalise other people's behaviour or choices or desires as being a function of our worth or a comment on our values. So if a friend is not available or too busy, it's because they don't like us. Or if we don't get the promotion we were hoping for at work, it's because we're not smart enough, or no one values our contributions. Or you know, in dating, if that person doesn't want to go on a second or third date, it's because we're unattractive or they thought that we were weird or awkward or we said too much in the date. And in relationships, if someone can't meet our needs, it's because our needs are wrong and so we just have to bury them. Note the tendency there to make every everything about us and our deficiencies and our not enoughness rather than just seeing that as a fact of life, that sometimes we get what we want and other times we don't.
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That doesn't have to mean anything about us. And also recognising that other people's willingness and capacity is not for us to control or manage or be responsible for. The other really important piece when it comes to the fear of rejection is that, and I've spoken about this before, I think at the heart of a fear of rejection is a deep, deep rejection of self and a deep self criticism, a deep sense of unworthiness and not enoughness. And in this way I think there is a real interplay and interconnectedness between the rejection wound and the unworthiness wound. And for anxiously attached people, people with that pattern, that makes a lot of sense because they tend to go hand in hand for us, we feel like we're not enough, we feel like we have to prove, we feel like we have to tiptoe. And we tend to be so self critical and so hard on ourselves, we tend to feel so unworth worthy. That rejection is not just something that happens relationally. It feels like it's holding a mirror up.
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It's a confirmation of our worst fears. That we are in fact not good enough, not attractive enough, not likeable. That people don't want to meet our needs, maybe that we're asking too much, we're too sensitive. All of those things tend to be beliefs that we already hold about ourselves. And so the rejection piece is less about what this person thinks of me and more about. They have become the confirmation of what my greatest fears about myself are or what I already think of me. And that's the piece that we often want to avoid or want to hide from is our own inner dialogue and finding external confirmation of that. So instead of putting all of that out there, putting it out in the open and risking having all of that exposed in a way that feels so tender and vulnerable, we just keep working and trying and pushing, improving and doing all of the things behind the scenes, hoping that we'll earn our worth in that way without ever having to sort of test it, or without ever having to release control or put ourselves out there in a way that feels so vulnerable because we just don't really want to face the possibility of someone else mirroring back to us the very, very painful storeys that we're already harbouring about ourselves.
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And I think it's so important here to really recognise how much of a self fulfilling prophecy that is, how much of a loop we get stuck in there. We're so afraid of rejection so we don' voice the need and instead we maybe just burn ourselves out in over giving and prioritising everyone and hoping that they take a hint, but they don't. And so the need goes unmet and we feel hurt and rejected and that leads us to feel even worse about ourselves and even more vulnerable and more sensitive to rejection. And so we're even less likely to take the risk, to open ourselves up to voice the need because we're now even more convinced that someone's not going to meet us there or that they don't care about us. And so we get small, smaller and smaller at the same time as we get more and more hurt and more and more resentful and it just spirals into a really unhelpful, unhealthy place where that fear of rejection and that risk aversion around vulnerability is keeping us from the thing that we most desire for ourselves, which is to be seen and to be known and to be responded to, to feel that sense of attunement, to have someone show up for us and say, like, yes, you matter to me, your needs matter to me and I'm here for you. Realise that we might be blocking that in really real ways because we are so terrified that someone won't be able to meet us there. And yet our behaviour is actually creating confirmation of that storey that is keeping us stuck. So what do we do about all this and how do we start shifting this big, deep, old, for many of us, pattern around rejection? I think there are a few pieces.
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There's some mindset stuff, there's some nervous system stuff and I think there's just some getting out there and ripping the band aid off kind of stuff. Almost desensitising ourselves to rejection. I do think that focusing on building self worth, I probably sound like a broken record because it's my solution to everything. But I do think that it is a solution to a lot of these things because the more comfortable we are in ourselves and we can say like, I like who I am, maybe I'm not totally in love with myself, but I like who I am and I'm comfortable in who I am, I see my value, I think I'm a good person and I think I bring things to the table. I trust that people like me, all of those things. That allows us to soften some of those deeply self rejecting, self critical storeys which in turn makes us less likely to interpret those storeys everywhere. It's sort of like if you're really self conscious about something in your appearance and if you look at a photo, your eyes go there straight away even though no one else would notice it. The same is true, I think when we're so hyper attuned to our perceived deficiencies, we see them everywhere and we assume that everyone else sees them everywhere and that they're the reason for everything.
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So I think the more that we build a solid foundation within ourselves where we're like, you know what? I'm okay with who I am, I like myself, I am proud of how I show up up, then those really painful storeys start to fall away and the sensitivity to rejection feels much less acute because we're less likely to take everyone's behaviour personally as confirmation of our deep seated feelings of unworthiness because those just have less power over us. I think another key piece is recognising that if someone doesn't want to go on a date with you or doesn't want to be close friends with you or someone in a relationship can't or won't meet meet needs that feel really important to you. That's not a rejection of you as a person. It is a function of their differing preferences or capacity. Right? In the same way that we can't do everything and be everything to everyone and we don't like every single person ever. And that doesn't mean anything other than like we've all got limited bandwidth and we've all got our own preferences. And of course like there can be a bit of a sting there and it can feel a bit personal, but just reminding ourselves that I don't have to make this all about me, I don't have to take this very, very personally. I don't want to go on a date with everyone.
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I don't want to be best friends with everyone. I can't meet everyone's needs. Some things will work for me, others won't. I think it allows us to make that all a bit more neutral and a bit less putting ourselves at the centre of it and making it mean something about who we are. So when we can kind of zoom out from that and get a bit more comfortable with like, well, yeah, of course that's true. Right. Of course I'm not for everyone and everyone's not for that. Can feel a bit less like a personal failing if whatever the thing is doesn't work out the way that you were hoping.
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And I think last but not least, as I said, there is an element of actually just getting into the arena, of ripping the band aid off, of taking the risk, because we can like, do all of the mindset work in the world, but for our nervous system we actually need to show it that rejection can be safe, that we can experience something like that and not die. And as with so many things, when we never run the experiment, we never get to, to disprove the storey. So if you are so locked in this frozen state of I could never possibly say those words or express that thing to my partner or ask for this or tell them about this fear, then you never get to experience the healing that might come from that actually going better than you thought it would. And you only ever get to hold onto the storey as it is because you're never giving yourself the opportunity to disprove it and for another storey to emerge. So our nervous system really learns through show rather than tell, which is why the mindset work can only go so far. We actually do have to take action. We have to have the experiences that then register in our system as, oh, another way is possible and this is what that could feel like. So I hope that that's given you something to think about.
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If you're someone who struggles with rejection, as I'm sure probably 95% of people listening are recognising, that oftentimes it's a self worth problem and we are projecting out our worst fears and our most painful beliefs about our own shortcomings. And we're perceiving them everywhere through every rejection, big and small. We assume that that's the reason and so it just collects evidence in favour of all of that. And realising that as we start to shift those storeys and build self worth and become someone that we really like and are proud of being that all of that tends to solve itself much of the time because that little loop is less active and we can sort of step out of that self fulfilling prophecy. Reminding yourself that rejection is not a personal failing, it's just sometimes compatibility thing, it's a personal preference thing, it's a capacity thing. None of that has to be about you and your worth and your value. That's just life being life and people being people. And again, I think as we become more comfortable in ourselves, we can sort of take that with a grain of salt and not be overly self centred or dramatic about it.
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We can sort of let it wash over us, water off a duck's back rather than spiralling into an emotional heap or meltdown over it. And last but not least, you really do have to get out there and take risk risks and disprove these old storeys and old patterns through action rather than just thinking positive thoughts, because that's really where the change happens. So, sending you lots of love. Hope it's been helpful and that it's been a good reminder of all of the ways that our fear can actually directly block us from the thing that we want most, which for many of us is love, connection and a felt sense of safety in our relationship. So, sending you lots of love and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
fear of rejection, anxious attachment, self worth, vulnerability, romantic relationships, dating, rejection sensitivity, self-fulfilling prophecy, self compassion, self regulation, self advocacy, self trust, Secure Self Challenge, personal growth, inner dialogue, self criticism, unworthiness, emotional resilience, friendships, needs in relationships, fear of failure, risk aversion, self acceptance, mindset, nervous system regulation, pattern interrupt, intimacy, people pleasing, self improvement, rejection in friendships