#209: 5 Green Flags in Early Dating
When it comes to dating advice, there’s no shortage of talk about red flags—what to avoid, what to be cautious of, how to spot trouble early. And while discernment is absolutely important, constantly scanning for danger can leave us feeling anxious, defensive, and disconnected from the very thing we’re seeking: connection. So, instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, let’s talk about what it looks like when things are going right. Here are five green flags to look for in early dating—qualities that signal emotional maturity, compatibility, and potential for a healthy relationship.
When it comes to dating advice, there’s no shortage of talk about red flags—what to avoid, what to be cautious of, how to spot trouble early. And while discernment is absolutely important, constantly scanning for danger can leave us feeling anxious, defensive, and disconnected from the very thing we’re seeking: connection.
Especially for those with anxious attachment patterns, this “threat detection” mindset can make early dating feel more like an emotional minefield than an opportunity for genuine connection.
So, instead of focusing on everything that could go wrong, let’s talk about what it looks like when things are going right.
Here are five green flags to look for in early dating—qualities that signal emotional maturity, compatibility, and potential for a healthy relationship.
1. They Remember the Details
One of the simplest but most meaningful green flags is when someone remembers details you’ve shared.
It might sound basic, but in a world of distractions and swipe culture, presence is rare—and deeply valuable.
When someone brings up something you’ve mentioned before (“How was that trip to Spain you told me about?”), it shows they’re listening, paying attention, and genuinely interested in getting to know you.
This kind of attentiveness reflects emotional availability. It’s not about grand gestures—it’s about presence, curiosity, and care.
2. You Feel Relaxed and at Ease Around Them
If you tend toward anxiety in early dating, you might not feel completely calm—and that’s okay. But notice whether, underneath the natural nerves, your body feels safe around this person.
Do you find yourself able to laugh, be playful, or speak freely without overthinking every word?
Do you feel like you can just be yourself?
Our nervous systems are wise. When you feel more at ease with someone—when the energy feels balanced, not performative—that’s your body’s way of saying, “I can exhale here.”
That sense of calm and playfulness often signals relational safety and mutual respect.
3. They Share Openly (Without Oversharing or Withholding)
Healthy communication isn’t about dumping your entire life story on the second date—but it’s also not about hiding behind vagueness or deflection.
A green flag is when someone shares appropriately—they’re open and genuine about who they are, their life, and what matters to them. They don’t dodge questions, change the subject, or seem evasive.
When someone can talk about their past or their feelings in a grounded way, it often signals emotional intelligence and self-acceptance. They’re comfortable enough in themselves that they don’t need to hide or perform.
4. Their Actions Match Their Words
This one’s simple but powerful: consistency is a form of respect.
If someone says they’ll call, they call. If they say they’ll text you after the weekend, they follow through.
Inconsistency—saying one thing and doing another—is one of the most common triggers for those with anxious attachment. It can send you spiraling into overthinking and uncertainty.
So when someone communicates clearly, follows through, and acknowledges if plans change, that reliability is deeply regulating for your system. It’s a sign of emotional maturity and integrity—and a foundation for trust.
5. There’s Mutual Effort and Initiative
If you’ve historically been the one doing most of the emotional heavy lifting in relationships—planning, texting, checking in—this one’s for you.
A true green flag is balanced effort. They reach out. They initiate plans. They show consistent interest without leaving everything up to you.
Mutual investment means both people are tending to the connection. You’re not chasing, proving, or performing—you’re simply participating in something that feels reciprocal.
That steady, shared energy is what allows healthy relationships to grow without constant anxiety or over-functioning.
The Bigger Picture
Green flags aren’t about perfection—they’re about patterns of care, consistency, and connection.
When you look for what feels good—rather than what might go wrong—you start dating from a place of grounded curiosity instead of fear.
So pay attention to who makes you feel calm, seen, and valued.
Because that’s where healthy love begins.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode, we are talking about five green flags to look for in early dating. So I think a lot of the conversation around dating tends to focus on warning signs or red flags or things to look out for. And while of course, discernment is important and while having clear standards and boundaries is important, this is something I teach in pretty much all of my programmes. I also think that the tendency in the broader discourse to focus on all of the things that could go wrong and all of the ways in which people are out to get you is really unhelpful and particularly for people who are anxious. As a starting point, and I've done many episodes in the past about anxiety in early dating and why it makes so much sense that people with anxious attachment patterns would experience a lot of anxiety in early dating due to the inherent uncertainty and all of our tendencies towards people pleasing and approval seeking and maybe struggling with insecurities and low self esteem, all of that really primes us to feel quite vulnerable and a little wobbly when it comes to early dating.
[00:01:44]:
And so I think with that as the backdrop, layering in all of this advice that's telling you about all of the red flags and all of the narcissists and the love bombing and all of that stuff, that if you've been around here a while, you would know that I don't really buy into, and I certainly don't use that language in my work. I think that orienting towards green flags or things to look for traits and qualities that we are seeking and that might serve as a really good sign and an indicator that a connection is worth investing in, I think that's a conversation that's certainly worth having and it can allow us to orient away from a threat detection mindset which is only going to increase our anxiety into one that feels like we're grounded in agency, but is ultimately hopeful and optimistic and allows us to be paying attention to and notice all of the goodness that might be there in a connection that we're exploring. So I think that that reframing can really help us and particularly if you are someone who tends towards stress and anxiety generally. And in dating, I'm hoping that this Episode will offer you a new way to think and feel about dating and maybe even make you feel excited about the prospect of going out and meeting people and building connection. And if you are someone who's struggling with anxious attachment and deal with all of the trials and tribulations of dating and relationships, consider checking out my free training on how to heal anxious attachment and finally feel secure in life and love. As I've spoken about many times before, I think whether you are single or dating or in a relationship, there's always stuff that you can be doing. I think every stage of life offers us opportunities to grow and to learn and discover things about ourselves and, you know, different challenges. So there's never a bad time to devote to doing that work on ourselves.
[00:03:36]:
And it can be a really beautiful season of life if you are actively dating to be doing the work on yourself alongside that from a place of really wanting to gift that to a future version of you. So consider checking out my free training on my anxious attachment starter kit as a nice free introduction to going a little deeper into this work. Okay, so let's talk about these five green flags to look for in early dating. The first one is that they remember details that you've shared with them and they really pay attention. So I think this is really about presence. And, you know, now more than ever, I think presence is a very valuable currency. It's something that particularly, I think, in dating culture and obviously, you know, with dating apps being so widely used. And as a side note, I don't think there's anything wrong with dating apps.
[00:04:24]:
I just think they're a tool, they're a mechanism. And, you know, if used intentionally, they can be an amazing way to meet or all sorts of people that you would otherwise never have exposure to. But obviously the downside is that they can perpetuate this fast food kind of dating culture where you just swipe and swipe and swipe and swipe. In the same way that we can mindlessly consume Instagram reels or a TikTok feed, we can find ourselves mindlessly consuming and swiping past people as if they're not really people at all. And I think that that kind of way of approaching dating can really detract seeing these people as humans. And so I think it's a really, really positive sign if you've connected with someone and you've been chatting, whether you've maybe been on a couple of dates and you feel like they're interested in what you're saying. They care about getting to know you and they're really paying attention. And I think that remembering things that you've told them previously and, you know, bringing that up again in conversation or saying, oh yeah, I remember you told me that you'd been to Spain when you were 21, things like that, it really shows a level of interest and investment that I think is a really positive sign.
[00:05:37]:
It might sound very entry level and frankly it kind of is. But in a culture where people's attention is so fleeting and you know, particularly again, in dating where someone might be talking to a lot of different people at once, feeling like someone is really present with you and cares about what you have to say and finds you interesting enough that they're paying attention and remembering things and bringing those up again, I think that's a really positive sign. Okay, the second green flag is that you feel relaxed, at ease and playful around them. So, of course, disclaimer here. If you're someone who struggles a lot with anxiety and anxious attachment, you're probably not going to feel completely relaxed and at ease in early dating at any point. Maybe you will, but often you won't, and that's fine. That doesn't have to be about the other person. That can just be because you're a bit nervous.
[00:06:29]:
But putting that kind of general anxious feeling that you might be having when you're really excited about someone new, putting that to one side, we do really want to be tracking how does my nervous system feel around this person? And I think that generally feeling relaxed and at ease and like I don't have to be frantically overthinking everything or tiptoeing or planning what I say or feeling like I have to impress them and feeling like I can even be playful, that we can joke together that we have a similar sense of humour, that things kind of feel light and somewhat easeful. I think that's a really, really positive sign. Because the truth is, our body is picking up on so much information. And this is particularly so if you've been on a few dates or you've actually met in person rather than just messaging each other. You know, we take in so much information that is below the level of our conscious mind. And if you're able to feel somewhat relaxed and spacious and connected and calm around them, then that's a really good sign that your body is registering them as a saf safe person. And that is not to be underestimated because obviously, you know, a huge tenet of all of my work is that feeling safe in the body and the nervous system is so central to building Safe and healthy relationships. So if you do find that you can relax and be yourself and not overthink everything and not feel like you have to bend over backwards to try and get their attention or get their approval, you can speak freely.
[00:08:01]:
All of those things are really positive signs that there's a sense of balance in the relationship too. Right. Because I think we tend not to feel that way if either we've put someone on a pedestal and we're idolising them and thinking they're so much better than us, or if they're withholding in some way such that there is this power asymmetry, that experience of feeling quite at ease and light and relaxed around each other generally signifies that there's a nice balance of power there, which is what we want. Okay. The next green flag is that they disclose appropriately about their life. So anxiously attached people have this tendency to disclose everything all at once, very upfront, almost in the realm of, like, dumping their whole emotional history onto someone. And I think oftentimes that can be coming from a place of transparency equals intimacy. And we have this sense of, you know, let me bear my deepest soul to you, and then we'll be so connected and we'll be bonded by that.
[00:09:01]:
And I think that can go too far. It can lack boundaries. And so having some discernment around our own disclosure and pacing that in an appropriate way is a good thing to be mindful of. But in terms of what to look for in other people, we do want to find this sweet spot of someone is open. It feels like they're sharing parts of their life and their history with me. They're not being cagey or evasive or guarding things away or being a bit shifty and changing the subject in ways that feel a bit off or uncomfortable. I mean, again, obviously, we don't want to be like, asking someone, tell me about your most traumatic experience on the second date. That's probably more a function of our anxiety and our desire to just go deep quickly, to skip through all of the early uncertainty of getting to know someone, but again, using kind of reasonableness and discernment.
[00:09:57]:
Do you get a sense that someone's holding a lot back and maybe not telling the full story? What do you feel like they are relaxed and open in their sharing and, you know, giving you context for their life and their friends and their work and all of that in a way that doesn't feel really curated? I think that's a very, very positive sign. And it signals to me secure attachment in them. It's not a guarantee of secure attachment, of course, but it signals like they're not really deep in shame or overthinking or people pleasing or needing to put forward a certain version of themselves that isn't honest. So if you do this sense that they're disclosing appropriately, that's a good sign that they're comfortable in who they are because they don't feel the need to, you know, put a mask on or hide away parts of themselves or their history or their life because, you know, they haven't processed it. Okay, green flag number four is their actions match their words. So we really want to have this sense of consistency, reliability, consideration, all of those things kind of basic decency, but seem to get lost on lot in modern dating where people can be kind of flaky or non committal or evasive. So it's such a positive sign if someone is really communicative and reliable and consistent and their actions match their words. If they say they're going to call, they call.
[00:11:21]:
If they say they're going to message you and update you on how their weekend was, they do it. And to the extent that there's any departure from doing what they said they were going to do, they acknowledge it and they explain. So really having this sense of they're not leaving me guessing, there's not this like, oh, what's going on? And should I message or shouldn't I message? Because they said they would, but they haven't. And I wonder if they've like, you just don't have to go into the mystery and the game playing and the detective and all of that because everything's kind of out in the open and it's, it's moving along in the way that you expected and like there isn't this massive gap between what we agreed and what's actually happening or what you said and what you're doing. That kind of consistency is going to be so soothing for the anxiously attached system that is so trained to be on the lookout. The other shoe dropping. When does everything turn? When do you start pulling away? When does your communication change and become more cold and withdrawn? Your system's going to be so primed to look for that change because that's really at the heart of so much of the anxious attachment pattern and blueprint. So having someone who doesn't do that, who doesn't suddenly change and become cold and withdrawn, who doesn't say they're going to call you and then they disappear all weekend and you don't hear from them, that's going to be Very healing for.
[00:12:40]:
And that's a very positive sign that this is worth investing in because that, you know, that's a solid foundation of a potentially really healthy relationship is having that consistency and reliability and open communication from day one. Okay? And last but not least, there is mutual effort, investment and initiative. So again, you might feel, if you're someone with anxious attachment patterns, you might not really know what that feels like because you might be so accustomed to being the pursuer, to being the one who's thinking about the relationship and putting in the effort and closing the gap and reaching out and doing all of that work in the relationship. So that might just be your normal, such that you don't even really register that you do it. But a really good sign, a very green flag to look for, is this sense of someone with steady sustained effort, that they are reaching out regularly, that they are suggesting dates, that they're carrying some of the mental load of planning things, that it's not all resting with you to check in on them and see if they want to hang out and see how they're going and maybe suggest could we catch up and like I'll go to their place or I'll go to wherever is convenient for them. If you're starting a relationship with one sidedness and you're over functioning straight out of the gate, that's setting up a status quo that you probably don't want down the track. So having this sense of, you know, not scorekeeping but an overall feeling of balance and quid pro quo in terms of effort and investment and care, I think that's a really good sign and something that you should look for and value in people that you're dating because again, that allows you to pull back from those chasing instincts that you might have, those proving and over functioning behaviours that might feel very natural to you. This is an opportunity for those to, to take a backseat, to rest and for you to try something different.
[00:14:41]:
And that's ultimately what all of this work of healing is about. It's not just about learning, it's about putting into practise new ways of doing things in relationships that might be uncomfortable at first but ultimately end up being much more regulating and soothing and healthy for our system. So I hope that that was helpful. And you know, even if you're not dating at the moment, I think those are really good green flags for relationships more broadly. Certainly good things to look out for in those early stages stages, but great qualities for any relationship dynamic to have. So even if you're not at that stage I hope it's given you something to reflect on in terms of the traits and qualities that you want to be fostering in your own relationship. So I hope that that's been helpful. Thanks so much for joining me guys and I look forward to seeing you again next week.
[00:15:30]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
attachment, relationships, dating, green flags, red flags, anxious attachment, insecurity, boundaries, early dating, relationship coach, anxiety, people pleasing, approval seeking, self esteem, vulnerability, dating apps, presence, connection, nervous system, emotional disclosure, intimacy, safe relationships, secure attachment, reliability, consistency, open communication, mutual effort, investment, initiative, healthy relationships, over functioning
#208: Anxious Attachment & the Fear of Infidelity
If you have an anxious attachment style, the fear of your partner cheating can feel absolutely overwhelming. Of course, no one enjoys the idea of infidelity—but for someone with anxious attachment, it hits on a much deeper, more painful level. Let’s explore why this fear shows up, how it manifests, and what you can do to feel safer and more secure—both within yourself and your relationships.
If you have an anxious attachment style, the fear of your partner cheating can feel absolutely overwhelming. Of course, no one enjoys the idea of infidelity—but for someone with anxious attachment, it hits on a much deeper, more painful level.
It can trigger spirals of anxiety, hypervigilance, and even self-blame. And while these reactions might feel “irrational,” they make complete sense once we understand what’s happening underneath the surface.
Let’s explore why this fear shows up, how it manifests, and what you can do to feel safer and more secure—both within yourself and your relationships.
Why the Fear of Infidelity Feels So Intense
At the heart of anxious attachment are fears of abandonment, rejection, and not being enough. Many anxiously attached people carry deep-rooted beliefs like:
“People always leave me.”
“I have to work hard to be loved.”
“If I were enough, they wouldn’t leave.”
Because of these core wounds, the idea of a partner cheating doesn’t just represent betrayal—it confirms our worst fears about ourselves. It feels like proof that we’re unworthy or unlovable.
For many women, this also shows up through insecurity about physical appearance. Society often teaches women to link their worth to beauty and desirability, which can amplify the anxiety around infidelity. The thinking becomes: “If I were more attractive, they wouldn’t stray.”
And since anxious attachment develops in response to inconsistent love—love that’s “sometimes there, sometimes not”—it’s easy to understand why any sign of potential rejection feels catastrophic.
The Nervous System’s Role
For the anxiously attached nervous system, information equals safety. When something feels uncertain—like whether a partner is being faithful—the body goes into overdrive trying to “solve” the mystery.
That’s why secrecy can feel unbearable. The thought that something might be happening behind your back—especially something painful—can be intolerable. It’s the nervous system’s way of saying, “We need to know everything so we can stay safe.”
If you’ve been cheated on in the past, this sensitivity is even more understandable. The brain and body remember the pain of betrayal and go on high alert to prevent it from happening again.
This isn’t paranoia—it’s protection. But it’s protection that can come at the expense of peace.
When Fear Meets Relationship Dynamics
The anxious-avoidant dynamic can make this fear even more pronounced.
Privacy vs. secrecy: For avoidant partners, privacy is often about autonomy. For anxious partners, it can feel like danger. So when an avoidant partner sets a boundary (“Please don’t go through my phone”), the anxious partner’s brain might immediately translate that as, “They’re hiding something.”
Sexual withdrawal: Many avoidant partners pull away sexually as relationships deepen—a natural response to fears of enmeshment. But for the anxious partner, a sudden drop in intimacy can feel like proof that something’s wrong or that someone else has captured their attention.
These patterns often feed into each other, with anxious behaviours (like snooping or excessive questioning) creating more distance, which in turn confirms the anxious person’s worst fears.
How Fear of Infidelity Shows Up
Common patterns include:
Checking phones, social media, or messages for “proof”
Interrogating subtle changes in tone, behaviour, or communication
Feeling threatened by others your partner interacts with
Overanalyzing intimacy or affection (“They didn’t kiss me goodnight—something’s wrong”)
Seeking constant reassurance (“You’re not going to leave me, right?”)
While these behaviours come from a desire for safety, they often push the relationship further into insecurity—especially if the partner feels accused or distrusted.
The Hard Truth (and Liberating Realization)
As painful as it is to admit, if someone is determined to cheat, you can’t stop them.
Surveillance, control, and reassurance-seeking might offer temporary relief, but they don’t build true safety or trust. In fact, they often create more anxiety.
Real trust requires letting go of control—and that’s deeply uncomfortable for someone whose nervous system equates control with safety. But it’s also the only way to create genuine security in a relationship.
If trust has been broken, rebuilding it requires real repair, not just forced reassurance. But if it hasn’t, then the work lies in self-regulation and self-worth, not endless monitoring.
What Helps
Build self-worth
The less you believe you’re “not enough,” the less power the fear of infidelity has. When your sense of worth is internal, you’re not as easily shaken by external threats.Regulate your nervous system
Notice when your anxiety spikes. Try grounding exercises, deep breathing, or soothing self-talk (“I’m safe right now”).Communicate clearly, not reactively
Instead of interrogating, share what’s underneath: “Sometimes I feel scared of losing you. Can we talk about what helps me feel safe?”Create a foundation of trust, not control
Ask yourself: “Am I trying to build trust, or am I trying to control?” Choose actions that foster connection, not fear.
Coming Home to Yourself
The fear of infidelity loses its grip when you trust that you can handle whatever happens.
When you know your worth, when you have tools to self-soothe, and when you no longer see someone else’s choices as a reflection of your value—that’s when real freedom begins.
Because security doesn’t come from monitoring someone else.
It comes from finally choosing not to abandon yourself.
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Episode Transcript
[00:00:04]:
You're listening to On Attachment, a place to learn about how attachment shapes the way we experience relationships and where you'll gain the guidance, knowledge and practical tools to overcome insecurity and build healthy, thriving relationships. I'm your host, relationship coach, Stephanie Rigg.
[00:00:23]:
And I'm really glad you're here. Hey everybody. Welcome back to another episode of On Attachment. In today's episode we are talking about the fear of infidelity amongst anxiously attached people. So if you're someone with anxious attachment, as I know many of you are and you're listening to this, the fear of your partner cheating on you, or if you're not in a relationship, the idea of being cheated on is probably immensely painful and distressing. Now, of course that's going to be true for anyone. No one likes the idea of being cheated on. But frank anxiously attach people, it's on another level.
[00:01:00]:
In most cases there is intense fear and anxiety and as we'll talk about today, that makes a lot of sense. Having regard to the core fears and wounds and beliefs at the heart of anxious attachment, around not being enough, around it being our job to make people love us and keep them close and prevent disconnection, our fears around abandonment and rejection, all of these things can go into a bit of a melting pot and mean that the fear of someone cheating on us, the idea of someone cheating on us feels so immensely painful and panic inducing to our nervous system such that it can drive all sorts of behaviours like hyper vigilance and snooping and excessive reassurance seeking, all of those sorts of things which, as we'll come to, can actually create more disconnection in our relationships because, you know, it can really infuse our relationships with a lot of insecurity. So in today's episode I'm going to be talking about why this is so common, what sits underneath it and what you might want to focus on if this is something that you struggle with, how you can support yourself and how you can maybe tackle it as a couple in a relationship in order to not be so viscerally afraid of infidelity all the time. So that's what I'm going to be sharing about today and I do hope that it offers some comfort and reassurance that you are far from alone. This is something that I am answering questions on literally all the time in my healing anxious attachment course and community. It's really no exaggeration to say that this is amongst the top things up there with, you know, jealousy and obviously jealousy and fear of cheating go hand in hand. To some degree it's really up there in terms of the common struggles of anxious attachers in relationships. So you are not alone and there are certainly things that you can do to alleviate some of these fears.
[00:02:52]:
So it's not so all encompassing. And I should say that this is certainly something that I used to struggle with a lot and thankfully is not really something that I pay any attention to now. It is not a fear that I carry with me in the way that I used to at all. So rest assured there is hope. Okay, before we get into today's episode, if you are someone with anxious attachment patterns and you are looking to become more secure within yourself, to get better at knowing how to support yourself through those moments of spiral, to not act out in self destructive ways, I really really encourage you to check out some of my free resources. My ANX Anxious Attachment Starter Kit which has a video where I talk about my own journey with anxious attachment as a workbook and a guided meditation, or my free training on how to heal anxious attachment where I talk about my three part framework around nervous system regulation, core beliefs and secure relationship skills. I've really gone to a lot of effort to create meaningful and helpful free resources so that I can extend that to as many people as possible. So definitely worth checking out if it's something that you are learning about and working with and you want to understand what the path to secure attachment looks like for someone with anxious attachment patterns.
[00:04:04]:
All of those are a really wonderful starting point for you and that is all linked in the show notes. Okay, so let's talk about this. The fear of infidelity, the fear of being cheated on. So maybe we start by talking about why this fear is so intense for anxiously attached people. Now as I mentioned in the introduction, the core fears and core wounds of anxious attachers are around abandonment, rejection and unworthiness. So people always leave me, people don't want me, I'm not good enough, I am not, not worthy enough. And I think probably for women more than men there is a strong focus on not being attractive enough. I think there's an element of societal conditioning there for sure.
[00:04:43]:
But I know anecdotally, having supported many thousands of people through this, that a really common one I hear from women who are struggling with anxious attachment is insecurity around physical appearance and not feeling beautiful, sexy, desirable enough in order to keep their partner's attention and feeling like it's incumbent upon them to make them themselves more beautiful or to guard against other attractive women to stop anything bad from happening to Prevent their partner from going elsewhere, but almost making it their fault, like if I were more beautiful, that wouldn't happen or that wouldn't be a risk factor. So all of these fears are really, really common among anxious attachers. And I think that it naturally flows from the low self worth, from the fear of being left, from the sense of, you know, I always am more invested in the relations than the other person. And it feels like their love and attention is so hard earned and hard won that I'm always striving and working for that that it could go away at a moment's notice. And if you've listened to other episodes of mine where I talk about the origins of anxious attachment, that makes sense because inconsistency is so central to anxious attachment. This idea that love is sometimes there, sometimes not, and we never know when it's going to be taken away. And so being hyper vigilant and hypersensitive, potential threats to the relationship and naturally sexual and romantic betrayal feels very much the top rung of the ladder in terms of extenuating circumstances for abandonment or rejection to take place. I think, you know, if someone breaks up with you just because their feelings have changed, that's no doubt immensely painful.
[00:06:27]:
But if they have been cheating on you, having an affair, going elsewhere, then that feels like much more of a blow to your self esteem because of that comparative element, because they found something in someone else that you lack, or at least that's the story that you're likely to tell yourself. And I think the other extenuating factor there for anxiously attached people in particular is the sense of secrecy. Something was happening behind my back that I was unaware of. And if we think about anxiety and the nervous system, anxiety is all about information and control. And this sense of if I can gather all the information, then I can protect myself. And so the idea of secrecy and things happening behind my back that I was unaware of, and particularly things that are so painful that feels so intolerable to someone with anxious attachment. Now I think it's really important, I probably should have said this at the outset to distinguish between fears around cheating that are based in past experience. And particularly if in the current relationship.
[00:07:35]:
Sometimes people will say to me, you know, I've got such an intense fear of betrayal, or I'm so paranoid about my partner cheating on me. And then they proceed to tell me about all of the other times their partner has cheated on them, or that there have been really serious breaches of trust, but they're still sort of making it a them problem. That they're struggling to trust their partner. And I think that that's a very different set of circumstances to if you just have a generalised abst sense of fear around infidelity that is not grounded in someone's behaviour. If your fear of infidelity is in response to infidelity, then that's a repair problem in my mind more than it is just a paranoia problem. That's a known breach of trust with a very natural consequence. And even if you've had infidelity in past relationships, it makes a lot of sense that in your current relationship that fear would be more present than had you not had that experience in the past. Because again, let's remember that our nervous system is all about predicting and protecting.
[00:08:35]:
So if you've had a very traumatic experience of being cheated on in a relationship, then it makes perfect sense that your system would be warning you about the possibility of that happening again. And, you know, especially if you didn't see it coming before or you were blindsided by it, then hypervigilance is a very natural response to that because your nervous system is saying, you better be on the lookout because remember what happened last time and how it happened without us knowing. So let's make sure we don't get caught off guard again. So I just wanted to mention. Mention that both to validate that if you've had those past experiences, it makes sense that you are naturally more sensitive to the possibility of that or the fear of that happening again. But also to differentiate that and to, I suppose, caution you against being overly hard on yourself if that has been present in your current or past relationships, that it's not just a sensitivity problem, that there may be actual repair that needs to take place in order for you to feel more comfortable about that. I wanted to now talk about why anxious avoidant kind of dynamics can exacerbate this fear that anxiously attached people have around cheating. So I think there are a few features of common anxious avoidant dynamics that can inadvertently fuel this fear that anxiously attached people have.
[00:09:48]:
So one of those is around privacy and secrecy. Now, for anxiously attached people, privacy often feels like secrecy. There can be this sense of if you have nothing to hide, then I should be able to read through your phone and I should be able to read through your journal and all of the things. Because if you have nothing to hide, what's the problem? Right? Anxiously attached people. People. Because anxiety loves information and doesn't like anything being withheld, there can be this sense of privacy being very threatening. And privacy can feel like Secrecy. So the anxiously attached person is likely to have a strong preference for total transparency, whereas the avoidant person is likely to very much value privacy as a matter of principle.
[00:10:29]:
So even if they're not hiding anything, they're unlikely to want you to go through their phone from a principled stance of that's my business and it's not yours. And, you know, they're quite staunchly protective of their boundaries and their space and their separateness, and that's likely to feel very intrusive to them. But naturally, if they are saying, no, you can't look through my phone. For the anxiously attached person who thinks if you have nothing to hide, it shouldn't be a problem, the meaning making that they're likely to engage in from that is, well, they're definitely hiding something from me. So I think that that different way of relating to privacy versus secrecy versus transparency in anxious avoidant relations relationships can absolutely heighten the fears that might already exist in the anxiously attached person around infidelity, cheating, betrayal, breaches of trust. And I think from that place, the anxiously attached person is much more likely to engage in snooping or opportunistically going through a partner's phone if they leave it lying around or something like that, because the phone now represents the holder of all of the secrets. It's the vault that I'm unable to access. And the allure of that is so tempting for someone who is so terrified of secrets but also desperately wants all the information.
[00:11:46]:
I think one of the other big pieces around the fear of cheating, fear of infidelity that can be fueled by anxious avoidant dynamics is the tendency of avoidant partners to pull away sexually as a relationship becomes more serious. And I've spoken about this many times before. I have a YouTube video on why avoidant partners withdraw sexually. So definitely go check that out if you want a more in depth discussion on this specific point. But for the purposes of this discussion, I'll just say that naturally, if things were really sexually intense and fiery and connected at the start of a relationship, and then without explanation, without discussion, someone starts to pull away and lose interest in sex, it's very easy for the anxious partner to make meaning from that and to assume that if they're not getting their needs met here, where are they getting them met? Why have they lost interest in me? And, you know, their loss of interest in you as a sexual partner might feel like a precursor to the relationship ending or, you know, to them seeking out sexual gratification elsewhere. So whether that's happening or not it makes sense that you would have fear around it and insecurity around it if what was once a vibrant sexual relationship suddenly shifts. And there's no explanation or acknowledgement or discussion of why that is happening. So how this fear will often show up in relationships I've sort of already touched on a bit.
[00:13:06]:
But some of the behaviours you're likely to see are excessive. Monitoring, snooping, being very hypervigilant to tiny changes in shift or tone, maybe in social settings, being very wary of so called competitors, people who you see as being a threat to the relationship, asking a lot of questions, kind of interrogating almost how do you know her, how long have you been friends and does she have a partner? And all of these questions that again, if you've got an avoidant partner, are likely to be met with almost defensiveness because they're likely to sound accusatory, because they're almost laced with this subtext of I don't trust you. And that's likely to be quite triggering whether your partner's avoidant or not. Particularly if there isn't any breach of trust. Someone who feels like they're being accused of having done something wrong can have quite a defensive response to that. Some of the other pieces again I've already mentioned, like going through someone's phone, snooping, going through their belongings, looking for clues, looking for evidence, you know, checking their social media, who they're following, who's following them. Have there been any notable changes, noticing any differences in their communication? So are they calling or texting less frequently or is there a change in tone? All of these things are used as instant proof that something really is going on. I've joked many times and it's sort of not funny, but I almost can't help but laugh because even my brain still does this from time to time is if an anxiously attached person can't reach their partner, you know, if they've called them and they've just gone up to the shops or gone to the gym or something and they can't reach them.
[00:14:38]:
Often the catastrophic nature of an anxiously attached brain is that either they're cheating on me or they've been in a terrible accident, right? Like those feel like the only two scenarios that could explain them not picking up the phone. So all of those sorts of very catastrophic interpretations, everything's worst case and everything's confirmation that they are indeed cheating on you. Again, around the intimacy thing, the tendency to over interpret changes in intimacy or affection, sexual frequency, sexual to, you know, even if they're less Engaged during sex. Those sorts of things can all feed into the paranoia and the story of they're definitely cheating on me or something bad is going to happen in that respect. And certainly protest behaviours that are, you know, designed to elicit reassurance. So, you know, poking at a partner, trying to push them and saying like you don't love me or you don't pay attention to me or you don't even find me attractive or anyone else would see that, like that kind of style of communication that is coming from a really stressed place place, but is trying to elicit that reassurance and you know, getting a partner to tell you that there's nothing going on really unequivocally and give you that. But sometimes the way that we go about getting it can actually push someone further away. And that is obviously really disconcerting because if you're saying to someone you don't even love me or you don't even care or you're attracted to her or whatever it might be, if someone doesn't immediately tell you what you want to hear in response to that very persuasively and unequivocally, then again, that can be used to confirm the fear that something's going on even if it isn't.
[00:16:18]:
But just because we haven't really gone about the communication piece in a very mature or self responsible way and so we can almost self sabotage in the way that we go about trying to get that reassurance and then it all backfires because it actually does push someone away. Now, having spent a lot of time talking about why all of this makes so much sense, I do also want to acknowledge that this desire to prevent cheating from happening, while it makes so much sense in the context of anxiety and our nervous system and all of the ways in which we try and protect ourselves, the hard truth is, and for some people this is really liberating, for others it's totally terrifying. If someone's going to cheat on you, you generally can't stop them, right? Snooping and trying to control them and interrogating all of those things. Like if someone is going to breach trust, if someone is going to cheat, no amount of control and surveillance and monitoring is really going to stop them if they are really set on doing that. And frankly, like you wouldn't want to engage in that level of monitoring and surveillance to try and prevent someone from cheating. Because if the only reason they're not cheating on you is because you are watching them like a hawk, that's not a sustainable or secure way of being in relationships. And while it might feel like, well, that's my only option because I'm so scared sometimes we have to take a step back and go, okay, if my obsessive monitoring and surveillance of my partner, my obsessive attempts at control and grip are the only things holding this together and that's the basis upon which I am able to trust, that's not actually trust at all. Right? Trust and control are like opposite ends of a seesaw.
[00:18:00]:
And so the less we trust, the more we try and control. And so I think when we're leaning so heavily on control in our relationships, we have to stop and ask ourselves, like, is this how I want to be in relationships? Relationship? Is control the glue that I want to be using to hold things together here? Or do I need to maybe choose trust and let go of control, notwithstanding that that is going to be hugely uncomfortable and that there are going to be parts of you that are going to tell you, you know, check their phone, ask them for reassurance, do all of the things sometimes we do really need to lead with choice and action rather than being led by feelings. If our feelings are shaped by insecure patterns that we're trying to shift away from. And again, I know I mentioned it earlier, but I' talking here about where there have been known breaches of trust. I think just telling ourselves that we should trust in spite of that is not the medicine in that situation there we need proper repair so that we can rebuild trust gradually. Okay, so I'm going to leave it there. What I will say is some other episodes I've done on jealousy, on self abandonment, on the fear of abandonment. These things are also really useful context for this discussion we've had today.
[00:19:06]:
And as I spoke about in my somewhat recent episode on jealousy, really the core of it and what certainly helped me to share shift these patterns is building self worth. Because I think that fear of someone cheating on you is so much more acute when it would be confirmation of your worst fears that you are unlovable or undesirable or not valuable. So if you aren't harbouring those fears, you are much less likely to look for this very painful evidence and confirmation of that elsewhere. We become a bit more trusting of our value and the fact that our partner loves us us and so less on the lookout for signs that everything's going to implode in the most painful way possible. So the broader work of building self worth is absolutely relevant here as well. Okay, guys, I really hope that this has been helpful. I know it's a really hard one. But know that you are not alone, and I hope that you've connected some dots and built some awareness through the discussion today.
[00:20:02]:
Or if nothing else, you know that it makes sense that you struggle with this. And as I said, far from alone. It's one of the most common things that I am supporting people with with. Okay guys, thanks so much for joining me and I look forward to seeing you again next time.
[00:20:18]:
Thanks for joining me for this episode of On Attachment. If you want to go deeper on all things things, attachment, love and relationships, you can find me on Instagram @stephanie__rigg or at stephanierigg.com and if you enjoyed this episode, I'd be so grateful if you could leave a review and a five star rating. It really does help so much. Thanks again for being here and I hope to see you again soon.
Keywords from Podcast Episode
anxious attachment, infidelity, fear of cheating, relationships, insecurity, abandonment, rejection, self worth, jealousy, hypervigilance, reassurance seeking, attachment wounds, nervous system regulation, core beliefs, secure relationship skills, emotional triggers, snooping, trust issues, privacy vs secrecy, avoidant partners, relationship repair, intimacy, sexual withdrawal, self sabotage, surveillance in relationships, reassurance, relationship dynamics, self esteem, healing attachment, attachment course